You just made my list!

Yes, tonight was the rescheduled Rush concert and yes, they made up for the canceled show with free Rush hats for all! Why am I telling you this? Because it’s late and I can’t get my brain to work well enough to write.

Rush was pretty bad ass tonight and watching thousands of people simultaneously air drum is one of the most awesome things you could ever hope to see.

In case Rush is not your thing (pussy), here’s a bunch of penguins chasing a butterfly.

In case you sort of like Rush and sort of like cute things, here’s a 5 year old playing Tom Sawyer on the drums.

Full disclosure …..I am drunk.

Wow, what a day it has been! so much talk of pee and poop and balls. I am overwhelmed by the care and detail given to the subject of peeing while sitting. I now know what it is like to win an Oscar.

So (thanks to beer) I would like to say that I am so impressed, and sometimes intimidated, by the readers and commentors on this website. Your comments are often better than my lame attempts at humor or social commentary or whatever it is I do here. To be honest, it kind of pisses me off when I read comments that are better than what I wrote. Only sort of though.

Really I am proud that, for the most part, the people who waste their time reading my bullshit are so smart and funny. When I write a post I feel genuine fear and pressure to deliver something good because I know most of you guys are funny and smart. Writing does not come naturally to me so writing each night can be a daunting task. (I wish you could see how hard spellcheck is working to keep me on track right now). I would like to point out that the recent comments on my scrubbing bubbles post are not included in the “smart” category.

The point is, I just want to say (thanks to being a happy drunk) I genuinely really appreciate you guys for wasting your time reading my bullshit. I’m only saying this because I’m drunk, starting Monday I will be calling you all idiots again.

(for the record, it took me approximately one million hours to write this)

I’m awesome! FUCK YOU!

Yeah, that’s right, I’m a man and I pee sitting down. Deal with it!

It all started in high school when I realized I could sneak an extra 15 seconds of sleep if I took a little pee-nap on the toilet during my morning piss. It was these brief, relaxing moments that led to my impressive pee-sitting career.

Soon I began to notice all of the advantages to lounging while peeing. Without the distraction of standing and aiming my stream into the bowl, my mind was free to contemplate important issues. Let’s do the math… If I pee-sit 2 times a day for an average of 15 seconds per session (not including pee/poop combos) and multiply that by the approximate number of days I have been a pee-sitter (about 9,490) we are talking about 79 hours and 8 minutes of free mind time. That’s 3.29 days! And where did I figure this all out, on the toilet while peeing of course.

The next advantage of sitting while peeing is the reduction of piss noise. This usually only comes into play when you have guests or while you are a guest at a friend’s house that has one of those annoying bathrooms placed right near the action, like just off the kitchen where everyone is hanging out. Guess what, I don’t want you to hear my powerful racehorse pee stream as much as I don’t want to hear your piss splashing all over the place. Nobody needs to hear that while trying to enjoy a delicious nacho a mere few feet away.

But even without the relaxing, brainstorming and reduced noise, pee-sitting is worth its weight in gold for this reason alone… it’s neater! I don’t mean neater as in “OMG, that’s so neat,” I’m talking about reducing the amount of human piss that splashes all over your bathroom. When a man takes a leak standing up I would estimate about 1% of the pee ends up out of the bowl. Only 1%? What’s the big deal? If you ask me, even one drop of piss out of the bowl is too much!

Now, let me very clear about this, I do not pee siting down in a public bathroom. Public bathrooms are standing room only, hence the huge amount of piss covering every surface.

OK go ahead, start calling me names, I know you are dying to, but I can tell you this, tonight I sleep soundly in a home free of wayward piss.

I am proud to be a pee-sitter!

A good friend stayed with me last night on his way through town and I’m not going to lie, I chose beer and male bonding over blogging.

Cheers!

That’s right people, you will have to survive two entire days without my hilarious and important opinions because I’m going on a road trip! If you happen to be attending the World’s Longest Yardsale look for me. I will be the one scoring awesome deals with my Jedi-like haggling abilities. “You WILL give me this Singing Bass for .25¢.”

I suggest going back through my archives and reading the last two years of my correct opinions. Wait, I’ve wasted TWO YEARS doing this? I hate myself.

Suck it.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve had a few beers. I’ve had a few beers with the person who edits this piece of shit website so please excuse any typos. It’s a lose-lose situation.

I spend a lot of time talking about things I DON’T like so maybe it’s time to salute something I love. I have also spent many an hour ranting about my hatred for the hipster bike craze but I think it’s time to talk about the ONE good thing about bicycles… BIKE CLEAVAGE!

Cleavage is one of God’s greatest creations. It says “Hey look, I’m the side of boobs!” Cleavage promises a better tomorrow. I’m not sure if most of the bike-riding girls out there realize just how much cleavage they are exposing during their bike rides and I’m hoping they never find out. Guys, bros, dudes, let’s keep this little secret on the down low. Don’t blow a good thing!

I love you boobs and I love the glorious, soft canyon of cleavage you create while riding around on a bike.

Good night.

No, not me. My wiener is as wonderful and sperm-filled as it always has been. Sorry, I’ve had a busy week and have neglected my writing duties, or writing “dooties” depending on your opinion of me. Watch this and get over it.

P.S. YouTube can suck my un-vasectomied dick for not allowing embedding on this clip!

I won’t even try to be a smart ass today because I am genuinely sad about the death of Harvey Pekar and don’t really want to make a joke out of it.

I also don’t feel like going into a long explanation of who Harvey Pekar is because I’m assuming most of you already know and quite honestly I don’t think I can do him justice with my half-assed attempt at an obituary. If you haven’t read American Splendor I command you to do so! I don’t even like comic books or illustrated novels but I love American Splendor! Likewise, if you have not seen the brilliant movie about Harvey, also titled American Splendor, you should watch it immediately.

Like most people, I was first introduced to Harvey Pekar via his confrontational Letterman appearances. If you are unfamiliar or a little younger than me, you need to keep those appearances in context. First of all, television had never seen anything like Late Night with David Letterman. It seems commonplace now but at the time Letterman’s antics were groundbreaking and shocking. He pushed the limits of what could be done on TV, specifically the limits of how entertaining the mundane could be. You simply did not see people on a major network dedicating entire segments to throwing things off a five-story building or stupid tricks performed by animals.

Now, add a cranky comic book writer from Cleveland who didn’t give a shit that he was biting the hand that feeds with every appearance and it was impossible to turn away. Again, this was decades before the TV was filled with self-destructive reality “stars” and it was fascinating to witness.

Like Letterman, Pekar pulled high drama out of the seemingly mundane. He simply told the story of his day to day life in comic book form, warts and all. Mostly warts. He was an outsider artist who managed to poke his head into the mainstream from time to time but only long enough to make himself uncomfortable, then it was back to obscurity at his hospital job in Cleveland. His books are incredibly engaging but as I sit here trying analyze why I feel that way I can’t come up with a reason. I mean he writes about riding the bus and working as a filing clerk but somehow you can’t wait for the next page.

I’m trying to think of some big smart-sounding way to end this but I guess it makes more sense to just say I’m glad people like Harvey Pekar exist.

Harvey’s first Letterman appearance. He came out swinging from the beginning. (Bad audio in some parts)
Part 1

Part 2

Things were still going OK at this point.

This gets a little bumpy.

Possibly Harvey’s last Letterman Appearance in 1993