You just made my list!

Yeah yeah, I know… “You’re really phoning it in Listy.” Fuck off, I have a job and sometimes it requires me to blow off being awesome on this website that you worship so much. On the other hand, you are in for a real treat. My friend (also editor of this site) sent me one of these clips today and I am embarrassed by how much I enjoyed it.

So sit it back, snap into a Slim Jim and enjoy the only good thing about those fucking annoying novelty singing fish pieces of shit.

Yeah that’s right, I fucking blew off my precious blog today. Nobody cares anyway.

Shut up and watch the last two episodes of “Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis.”

Yeah that’s right, Listy has dropped the ball again. Sorry I decided to WORK and MAKE MONEY rather than blog for free. Maybe if some of you ingrates would click on my ads and buy a bunch of crap you don’t want or need old Listy (your hero) could stop working on other things. So really I blame you for the lack of a real post today. Way to go jerk.

In other news… I am ashamed of how much I enjoy these bloopers. In fact I’m ashamed of how much I like bloopers in general!

Ever wonder how George Bush got elected?

Have you ever been an hour away from hosting a dinner party when you realize “Holy shit, I fucking forgot to make mashed fucking potatoes. MY PARTY IS RUINED!” Well idiot, next time that happens, just fire up the internet and hop over to Craigslist. POW, problem solved! And you thought Craigslist was only good for finding BBW prostitutes.

Over the weekend my girlfriend (yeah, I actually have a girlfriend, fuck you) found this post on Craigslist and it made me happier than the resurrection of magic Jesus. I could waste my breath pointing out all the things that make it insane, but why state the obvious. Instead I will show you the very real email exchange between me, as “Kenneth,” and the guy selling mashed potatoes. Again, these are real!

His original Craigslist post…

mashed potato/just heat and serve
IM IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING THIS FOR SOME FRIENDS HOUSE. THEY CALLED AND CANCLED AND WE ARE NOW GOING OUT TO DINNER WITH THEM. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT IT IN YOUR OVEN FOR 40 MIN AT 375 AND WA,LA. ITS REALLY GOOD. WE HAD IT FOR OUR FRIENDS THANKSGIVING AND THEY REQUESTED IT AGAIN. THATS HOW GOOD. IT WILL BE DECORATED WITH A COLORED EGG IN CENTER OF MASHED POTATO(E). PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL xxx-xxx-xxxx. ONLY THOSE WHO BELIVE NEED REPLY.” GOD BLESS “…………ALL.

My first email to him…

Hello. Are the Mashed Potatoes still available??? If so, how late can I pick them up? It’s going to be about a 25 minute drive for me, so I need to plan accordingly.

Also, is the colored egg optional? I’m worried that it will stain the surrounding mashed potatoes by the time I get them home.

– Kenneth O.

He replied…

no it will be fine its in a pie crust aluminum pan no worries. you can pick up any time just call before xxx-xxx-xxxx

I wrote back…

You caught me just in time, I was about to make some instant mashed Ps!

I guess if you say the egg situation is under control that’s good enough for me. About this aluminum pan though….. would I have to return it? If so, would mailing it be an option?

I want to also say I think it’s admirable that you are only giving these mashed potatoes to those of us who believe in the Lord! 🙂 I mean, do non-believers even deserve to eat (ha ha ha ha).

Thanks,
Kenneth

He said…

yes they can eat too, but with living in sin wont help them. ha ha ha. no you do not need to return the pan. enjoy, it will be a delite. someone on cl asked for the reciepe they got it.

A few hours later I wrote…

Darn it! I accidentally fell asleep on the floor (of all the crazy places) so I guess I blew my chance at eating delicious mashed potatoes tonight. I have that post-nap feeling, and to be honest, I don’t even know if I’m going to eat at all tonight. Will probably just watch some Raymond and hit the hay.

You can say that again about living in sin! HA!!!!!! LOL. I don’t mind if sinners eat, as long as it’s not MY mashed potatoes!

But seriously, since tomorrow is Easter I don’t think I can pick them up until Monday and I’m worried they will be A) already picked up by some other person or B) no longer edible. OH, and what about the EGG?!? Will it go bad before the MPs?

Okee dokee, I’m going to turn in early so I can be up early for mass tomorrow. PLEASE let me know about Monday, my mouth is already fantasizing about these darn potatoes!! HAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 🙂

God bless on this joyous Easter,
Kenneth

To which he replied…

well if you really want them than i can bring it to you at around 12:30 tomorrow if you live around downers grove. call me and let me know or else im just going to bring it with me to my friends and make them eat it anyway. ha ha ha. xxx-xxx-xxxx before 10:00 please.

The next morning (Easter Sunday) I emailed…

Would you believe I actually had a dream about your mashed potatoes last night??? In this dream I met you in a parking lot to pick up the MPs but the problem was that, for some silly reason, I rode my bike. To further complicate things, you brought so many mashies that they filled a giant, dirty cardboard box. I was like “how am I supposed to carry all these mashed potatoes home on my bike?” Plus I was wondering what kind of a crazy person would put delicious mashed potatoes in a darn cardboard box!!!! I woke up about this time so sadly I will never know if I managed to get the box of MPs home. DREAMS!

I don’t think I can make 12:30 work today so I fear this is the end of the road for me and your mashed potatoes 🙁 I guess you will have to force-feed them to your crazy friends HAHAAAAHAHAHAHA! I hope they appreciate them, it doesn’t sound like they fully do. Thank you for offering to bring them to me, you are truly a kind Christian and the Lord will take special notice of you on you this day (even though Easter is his busy season – HAHAHAAAAAAAAA).

Maybe you could email me the recipe of the mashed potatoes and I can give ’em a shot?

Enjoy this blessed Easter Sunday – Praise him!
Kenneth

I have not heard back but I am hopeful “Kenneth” will soon have that delicious mashed potato recipe in his hands! You will be the first to know if/when the mashed potato believer writes again.

God bless you sinners.

All I do on this website is bitch and bitch and bitch (for good reason) but sometimes you witness something so beautiful it stops you dead in your tracks and for one brief moment all is right in the world. Perhaps you see a baby bunny hopping across a field. Maybe it’s the innocent smile of a child. Sometimes it’s the tiniest things that make you feel the warmth of the universe around you, like one fly banging the crap out of another fly.

Not only was I lucky enough to witness this act of love, I was lucky enough to snap a photo on my phone before the little guy finished up and started making excuses about a big meeting he had in the morning. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about? MEN!

The point is, there is nothing more magnificent than watching a fly do it doggie style. I’ve seen the Grand Canyon and it is nothing more than a crack in the sidewalk compared to the love-making I witnessed today. This fly took his time and knew what the hell he was doing too. You men out there could learn a thing or two from this little shit-eater. He was stroking her hair, kissing her wings and smacking her ass with that teenie tiny little hand of his. It was… I’m speechless.

God bless us all.

Obviously I went out for my birthday. Obviously I am too tired now to write, but you will be happy to know that a good 30 minutes of my dinner was spent discussing the various reasons why Guy Fieri should be dead and Corey Haim should be alive. Sorry I’m being lame and skipping a day but I think this will help you get over it, you cry baby.

I accidentally got drunk last night. I didn’t mean to and now I feel like Guy Fieri’s butthole.

I wanted to write about the fucking annoying old lady in the Resolve Bright and White commercial but I can’t find a clip. Shouldn’t everything be on the internet by now?

So please accept my deepest apologies and then shut up and watch this. I know it’s not new but it’s awesome (like me).

“Oh my god, you’re my totally fuckin’ like favorite.”

I accidentally ate half of a Pizza Hut pizza last night and it led to a series of events that prevented me from writing anything. BUT, I have been meaning to point you in the direction of some older posts, so I will do that now. Not because the posts are all that great, but certain topics have become magnets for excessively dumb comments. I’m sure most of you regulars don’t both digging back into past comments, but you might enjoy some of the conversations you have been missing.

The crazy comments usually start half way down…

Andy Samberg and his shitty Digital Shorts!

Irish Dancing!

Parkour!

See you Monday.