You just made my list!

I ran out of time today and will not be able to be hilarious and insightful. Please accept the hilarious Zach Galifianakis in my place.

Oh holy Lord, do I love me some pluots!

If you were like me a couple weeks ago, you are now scratching your head and saying in a very dumb voice “what’s a pluot?” You stupid fucking idiot, it’s only the best God damned fruit on this hell hole we call planet Earth. A pluot is a genetically engineered hybrid of a plum and an apricot. I already loved the fuck out of plums but I honestly have no idea what a stupid apricot tastes like, and I don’t give a shit because listen up dummy, when a plum and an apricot love each other very much the result is a beautiful pluot! A pluot could be made from Guy Fieri’s ball sweat and I would still make sweet love to them every night.

Oh… oh… OH… let me tell you about a man who should be worshiped and feared. A man who looks at God’s fruit and says “Are you fucking kidding me? Is that the best you got?” This beautiful son-of-a-bitch is Floyd Zaiger, the genius who first forced a plum and an apricot to have dirty sex (that’s how it’s done, right?). Compared to Floyd, you and I are insignificant, worthless failures. Yeah, that’s right, when was the last time YOU invented the best tasting fruit in the FUCKING UNIVERSE? You and I sit around all day eating Pringles and watching people fall off their skateboards on YouTube, while this magnificent creature designs a piece of fruit so delicious it would make Jesus cry. There should be a never-ending line of people on their knees waiting to blow this man.

Floyd Zaiger is GOD!

Sorry, no “real” post today. I met the love of my life and we have spent so much time in the bedroom I simply can’t find the time to write for the site. Her name is Icy Spicy Leoncie and she is probably the most talented singer/songwriter/performer/lover on the planet! THE WHOLE PLANET! Jealous? Yes, you are.

Leoncie and I just love to have fun.

My favorite song about getting killed while jogging in the park.

I LOVE YOU LEONCIE!

First off, sorry for the non-post. I’m fucking busy so get off my back!

Secondly, shut up. Rather than complain about something in my irreverent and hilarious way, I wanted to change things up and report some You Just Made My List news. For the first time, someone on my list has contacted the site. No, it’s wasn’t Guy Fieri and no, it wasn’t a grapefruit. I’m pretty sure Guy is too busy calling various food items “bad boy” and masturbating to the movie “Swingers” to visit this website. I wonder if Guy screams “You’re so MONEY” as he has an orgasm?

Sorry, I was just throwing up for the last 2 hours but now I’m back. Nope, I have to go barf again, be right back.

OK, there’s nothing left in my stomach to puke up so I will continue. The mystery “celebrity” is Nathan Schwartz, the texting world champion. You may remember Nathan for doing something with a cell phone. I don’t. Either way, Nathan left a comment admitting that he failed as a human being a few weeks ago and I have decided to forgive him. I can see how he won the competition with his lack of punctuation and abbreviated words.

So Nathan Schwartz, I salute you for being the first “lister” to have enough time on your hands to google yourself and find this website. I’m glad you had the balls to stop by and say hello. Although you will remain on my list, I am still giving you a cyber high-five for leaving a comment. Now go get a God damn job and stop googling yourself! LMAO!

(I was able to verify that it was really Nathan who left the comment)

See Nathan’s comment here

Admittedly, this is sort of a cop-out post because I’m in the middle of a huge project and don’t have a ton of time for “blogging.” God damn I hate the term “blogging!” Even though this is a short post it is still brilliantly awesome and you should bow before me for finding the time to squeeze it out of my brain hole.

Here are two commercials that have been making me insane lately. One makes me insane with rage while the other practically gives me a boner from how awesomely awesome it is.

Let me start with the one I hate. I’m sure you have seen this commercial for “Rhythm Heaven” on the Nintendo DSi Featuring Beyonce. First of all, what the hell is the point of this game? As far as I can tell, the goal is to slowly become retarded. I hate when people call things retarded but in this case I literally think this game might make you retarded. Wait, is Beyonce actually retarded and I’m being incredibly insensitive?

If I’m ever having a bad day all I have to do is watch this commercial for finallyfast.com and the world seems beautiful again. Specifically the part with the video game kid! Oh sweet lord I love him! I fear him, but I love him. Seriously mom, get this kid a faster connection because he has a certain “shooting-up-the-high-school” vibe to him.

God damn I’m a good driver!

You think I’m good at blogging? You should see me work my magic behind the wheel. Sitting in the passenger seat of my car is akin to sharing the piano bench with Beethoven while he composes his music and shit. Yeah, I’m THAT good.

While the rest of you are sitting confused and helpless behind a UPS truck, I simply check my mirrors and casually turn my steering wheel allowing me to drive around said truck. While you monsters allow your fellow man to die a slow death at a parking lot exit, I give the gift of life with the benevolent wave of my kind hand. You drive like you no longer have arms and eyes while trying to talk on a cell phone but I can literally send a text and eat an ice cream sundae while flawlessly driving with my knees. I work my way through traffic effortlessly like a surgeon carefully performing brain surgery… on a fucking brain! A human brain you idiot! I drive with a kind yet firm hand. I will happily pay it forward but do not think you shall tread on me.

Parallel parking? Yeah, I’m pretty much the best at that too. Actually, I’m awesome at driving in reverse in all situations. I once drove from Chicago to Detroit IN REVERSE! I’ve changed from my beach wear into a tuxedo while driving 70 MPH down the highway. The drivers I pass give me thumbs up and rush home to twitter or tweet or whatever the fuck it’s called.

I am the world’s best driver.

Well, it’s my last day of vacation and I thought it would be nice to head into the weekend with a true classic. Christian Bale isn’t worthy to hold Jack Rebney’s dirty underwear! Now THIS is how to go nuts on the set! I’m so old I first saw the Winnebago Man before all this “internet” business. Yeah, I saw it on good old fashioned VHS video tape! See you losers Monday!

“It ain’t worth it. Not this shit, it ain’t fucking worth it.”

I am on the beach working on my killer tan right now so please enjoy Dr. Steve Brule.

More John C. Reilly on Tim and Eric Awesome Show