You just made my list!

Can someone please tell me who the fuck the “Beauty Gurus” are and why I want to kick them all in the teeth?

I donated $50,000 to your shitty event and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!

Think of the business that’s going to pour in from that 1/4 inch logo on the back of the T-shirt for the event you sponsored. Unless your company manufactures exercise equipment or sleeping equipment, don’t waste your time because these t-shirts will be exclusively worn at the gym or as a “sleeping shirt.”

At least with the incredible amount of white space separating each piece of art your logo will REALLY stand out! I think they should combine all the logos into one super logo that fills the entire back of the shirt. Everyone wins!

That’s all I got. There’s BBQ chicken in the next room begging to be eaten.

I share my toys and I also share signs my parents make me hold.

I’m writing this on my brand new computer! When a friend brought “Kidical Mass” to my attention this morning I was so filled with rage I literally ate my old computer. Yeah, I ATE a 27″ iMac!

I realize I just wrote about bike hipsters a couple days ago and have already taken a shit on “Critical Mass” but this is child abuse and it must be stopped. These poor kids are being turned into bearded hipsters and Bon Iver fans without their knowledge. It reminds me of the children of KKK members. Yeah, that’s right, Kidical Mass is exactly the same as the Ku Klux Klan!

Apparently this nonsense is designed to raise awareness about bike safety or something. Here’s an idea, keep your kids OUT OF THE ROAD! The road is for cars, not toddlers with poopies in their pants, struggling to stay upright on a SpongeBob bike. The last thing I need is some mini-hipster scratching my SUV when I’m trying to watch YouTube on my iPhone while driving.

Here’s the deal… If this is just supposed to be some fun family activity don’t name it after such a jackass event. Call it “Family Fun Bike Time Festival of Fun and Bikes!” Everyone (yes EVERYONE) hates Critical Mass except the hipster douchebags who participate in it, so associating your kid with such a bunch of misguided bullshit is lame. Just stay home and listen to Neutral Milk Hotel* as a family.

I will sit back and await my Nobel Peace Prize.

*For the record, I love Neutral Milk Hotel

Have you ever been an hour away from hosting a dinner party when you realize “Holy shit, I fucking forgot to make mashed fucking potatoes. MY PARTY IS RUINED!” Well idiot, next time that happens, just fire up the internet and hop over to Craigslist. POW, problem solved! And you thought Craigslist was only good for finding BBW prostitutes.

Over the weekend my girlfriend (yeah, I actually have a girlfriend, fuck you) found this post on Craigslist and it made me happier than the resurrection of magic Jesus. I could waste my breath pointing out all the things that make it insane, but why state the obvious. Instead I will show you the very real email exchange between me, as “Kenneth,” and the guy selling mashed potatoes. Again, these are real!

His original Craigslist post…

mashed potato/just heat and serve
IM IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING THIS FOR SOME FRIENDS HOUSE. THEY CALLED AND CANCLED AND WE ARE NOW GOING OUT TO DINNER WITH THEM. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT IT IN YOUR OVEN FOR 40 MIN AT 375 AND WA,LA. ITS REALLY GOOD. WE HAD IT FOR OUR FRIENDS THANKSGIVING AND THEY REQUESTED IT AGAIN. THATS HOW GOOD. IT WILL BE DECORATED WITH A COLORED EGG IN CENTER OF MASHED POTATO(E). PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL xxx-xxx-xxxx. ONLY THOSE WHO BELIVE NEED REPLY.” GOD BLESS “…………ALL.

My first email to him…

Hello. Are the Mashed Potatoes still available??? If so, how late can I pick them up? It’s going to be about a 25 minute drive for me, so I need to plan accordingly.

Also, is the colored egg optional? I’m worried that it will stain the surrounding mashed potatoes by the time I get them home.

– Kenneth O.

He replied…

no it will be fine its in a pie crust aluminum pan no worries. you can pick up any time just call before xxx-xxx-xxxx

I wrote back…

You caught me just in time, I was about to make some instant mashed Ps!

I guess if you say the egg situation is under control that’s good enough for me. About this aluminum pan though….. would I have to return it? If so, would mailing it be an option?

I want to also say I think it’s admirable that you are only giving these mashed potatoes to those of us who believe in the Lord! 🙂 I mean, do non-believers even deserve to eat (ha ha ha ha).

Thanks,
Kenneth

He said…

yes they can eat too, but with living in sin wont help them. ha ha ha. no you do not need to return the pan. enjoy, it will be a delite. someone on cl asked for the reciepe they got it.

A few hours later I wrote…

Darn it! I accidentally fell asleep on the floor (of all the crazy places) so I guess I blew my chance at eating delicious mashed potatoes tonight. I have that post-nap feeling, and to be honest, I don’t even know if I’m going to eat at all tonight. Will probably just watch some Raymond and hit the hay.

You can say that again about living in sin! HA!!!!!! LOL. I don’t mind if sinners eat, as long as it’s not MY mashed potatoes!

But seriously, since tomorrow is Easter I don’t think I can pick them up until Monday and I’m worried they will be A) already picked up by some other person or B) no longer edible. OH, and what about the EGG?!? Will it go bad before the MPs?

Okee dokee, I’m going to turn in early so I can be up early for mass tomorrow. PLEASE let me know about Monday, my mouth is already fantasizing about these darn potatoes!! HAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 🙂

God bless on this joyous Easter,
Kenneth

To which he replied…

well if you really want them than i can bring it to you at around 12:30 tomorrow if you live around downers grove. call me and let me know or else im just going to bring it with me to my friends and make them eat it anyway. ha ha ha. xxx-xxx-xxxx before 10:00 please.

The next morning (Easter Sunday) I emailed…

Would you believe I actually had a dream about your mashed potatoes last night??? In this dream I met you in a parking lot to pick up the MPs but the problem was that, for some silly reason, I rode my bike. To further complicate things, you brought so many mashies that they filled a giant, dirty cardboard box. I was like “how am I supposed to carry all these mashed potatoes home on my bike?” Plus I was wondering what kind of a crazy person would put delicious mashed potatoes in a darn cardboard box!!!! I woke up about this time so sadly I will never know if I managed to get the box of MPs home. DREAMS!

I don’t think I can make 12:30 work today so I fear this is the end of the road for me and your mashed potatoes 🙁 I guess you will have to force-feed them to your crazy friends HAHAAAAHAHAHAHA! I hope they appreciate them, it doesn’t sound like they fully do. Thank you for offering to bring them to me, you are truly a kind Christian and the Lord will take special notice of you on you this day (even though Easter is his busy season – HAHAHAAAAAAAAA).

Maybe you could email me the recipe of the mashed potatoes and I can give ’em a shot?

Enjoy this blessed Easter Sunday – Praise him!
Kenneth

I have not heard back but I am hopeful “Kenneth” will soon have that delicious mashed potato recipe in his hands! You will be the first to know if/when the mashed potato believer writes again.

God bless you sinners.

If you were like me, you’d be more awesome. You would also have no idea who the fuck this creepy little twerp is. That is until now, the moment when I proudly ruin your life.

I can’t stomach children who act like adults and I especially can’t stand kids who act like the kind of adults you would like to hit in the balls with a shovel. More often than not, “performer” kids end up fulfilling this role. While most kids are setting crap on fire and punching each other in a kickass Kung-Fu fashion, these horrifying turds are jazz-handsing their way to a life of Bedazzled vests and cats named “Lady Precious.” I’m not talking about the normal brand of show choir nerd, I’m talking about weirdos like this Anthony Gargiula who try to eye-fuck you while singing “Sexual Healing” at Six Flags. I just want to eat this fried dough in peace, so please stop making love to my ears and go check your Underoos for poopies.

Good luck making it through these clips without digging your eyes out and jamming them into your ears.

Yeah, that creepy poster of a baby dressed as corn is really going to brighten up your beer-soaked, double-wide trailer. IT’S SOOOOO CUTE!

I think I hate Anne Geddes because I’m jealous of her. I mean could there be anything easier than plopping some stupid babies into a giant salad and snapping a few photos? Put a baby in a bunny suit and get ready to start counting your money. BITCH!

The only people worse than Anne Geddes are the tasteless dolts who eat this shit up. I honestly can’t comprehend looking at one of these posters and thinking “Oh yeah, I love that. I love it when babies dress in cactus outfits. I NEED that!” I like children, but this shit makes me want to do a Geddes-style poster of a baby dressed as a golf ball that’s about to get whacked by a giant golf club.

And can we all just PLEASE agree to stop taking black and white photos of tiny babies being held by hairy shirtless men? OK, we get it, life is precious and fragile and babies look small in big hands and look how strong those hands look and we have to protect babies and the circle of life and kumbaya and peace on Earth and that scene in Ghost where Patrick Swayze fucks Demi Moore on a pottery wheel and Sarah Palin, and Jesus and Blue Collar Comedy and Walmart… Lord, take me now!

No problem, paint your horrible face while you drive. As long as you got an additional two minutes of sleep this morning, it’s worth running over a few kids on your way to your sad, grey cubicle.

And don’t worry about me, I’ll just go ahead and drive through this Dunkin’ Donuts so that you may drive in every lane. I was in the mood for a “Today’s Special” anyway. Hey that reminds me…

Why the fuck has the Dunkin’ Donuts “Today’s Special” been the same God damn doughnut for all of my adult life? Don’t get me wrong, a glazed doughnut covered in chocolate frosting and half covered in sprinkles from Dunkin’ Donuts is awesome, but I think they are confused about the word special. Unless they are trying to say this doughnut is retarded, they need to mix it up a bit. And what’s up with the half sprinkles? If I wanted an abstract work of art I would… well, I wouldn’t want a piece of abstract art so I don’t need your creative sprinkle configuration either. Knock off this under-achiever attitude towards sprinkles and throw some other doughnuts into the mix. That would truly be special.

Kirstie, can you stay off my TV for two seconds, my entertainment center* can’t support your fat ass anymore.

Everyone’s favorite jiggly tub of sausage is back with a new show about… drum roll… being fat! She first rolled (literally) her way into our living rooms with “Fat Actress.” I never saw the show but I’m assuming most episodes centered around Kirstie being fat and talking about being fat. Oh the good times I must have missed! The beast that ate Kirstie Alley (that would have been a way more kick ass title) is back with a new program called “Kirstie Alley’s Big Life,” but this time around the show is about Kirstie being fat and talking about being fat.

I checked IMDB and Kirstie Alley has been in at least 10 shows about being fat…

– Jesus Christ, Kirstie Alley is Fucking Fat!
– Kirstie Alley Eats Her Way Out of Bags Made of Meat
– Kirstie Alley: Only Slightly Less Attractive Than When She Was Thin.
– STAND BACK, ME HUNGRY!
– Cheers
– Hey, Kirstie Alley Just Ate Everything in My House and Drank My Pool!
– Kirstie Alley Tries to Reach Things
– Look Who’s Choking Now
– I’m a Celebrity, Please Help Me Put My Pants On
– Cloggin’ Da Toilet Wit Da ‘K Dog’ Yo!

We get it Kirstie, YOU’RE FAT!

Writing this made me hungry.

*I don’t actually own an entertainment center.