You just made my list!

Don’t even get me started on Facebook. Too late.

I’ve got plenty of things to say about everyone’s personal reality show, Facebook, but after seeing these two status updates today, and the odd thumbs up-ing that followed, I decided it was time to share my important opinion on the misuse of the “Like” button.

Perhaps we should blame Facebook for not having a button for the three main human emotions… “like,” “dislike” and “this is giving me a boner.” However, I would suggest we should blame ourselves (not me) for not understanding the proper usage of the thumb positioned in an upward direction.

My advice would be to pretend that person is standing right in front of you telling you their “status” face to face. Let’s try it out…

“I just found out I have cancer.”
“I LIKE IT!”

“My dog was just hit by a car.”
“I LIKE IT!”

“I fear I will never fulfill my dream to be a professional juggler.”
“I LIKE IT!”

Only one of those responses was appropriate, can you pick which one?

By the way, it’s very tacky to make your murder party BYOB. If I’m paying $10 at the door I expect a keg at the very least. Other than that I’m sure it’s going to be a blast!

How is this OK?

Based on the shape of the “meat” found sadly cowering inside the McRib bun, McDonald’s would have us believe that it’s entirely normal to eat the bones when eating ribs. Forget about pulling the meat off the bone, just stick the whole fucking carcass in your mouth and chew it up like you’re a… you’re a… I can’t even think of an animal that eats bones.

I’ve also found that most award-winning ribs are the color of Guy Fieri’s hair.

Stay classy McDonald’s, I quit.

Yeah, that’s right, Hungry Hungry Hippos sucks and it’s about time someone was brave enough to say it.

This is where you get all angry and proclaim “It’s a classic!” to which I reply, “It’s a classic piece of shit, just like the Titanic was a classic ship or the Hindenburg was a totally classic way to travel.” I am so tired of being right all the time.

What good is a game with zero strategy that takes zero skill to play? You literally only need a finger and the ability to slightly move said finger. What’s that? Don’t have a finger? Fine, use your toe. I’m sorry, you don’t have arms OR legs? No biggie, use your tongue, your goal to eat balls will not be affected.

According to Wikipedia, which is never wrong, Hungry Hungry Hippos was invented by Hasbro senior game designer, Dickass McShitstain, while high on ether.

Fuck off Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Congratulations! Now eat your own ugly face.

Yum, your black golf shirt looks delicious Dennis! Or would I rather have a slice of your Dockers? It’s a tough choice, black and khaki are both such appetizing colors. I guess I could go for a piece of your beard, or maybe I should skip you altogether and just eat your golf cart. It’s so hard to choose, your Chamber of Commerce networking event is so mouthwatering!

Fuck it, I’m skipping the whole thing and eating this.

Nothing says “I have failed” like an adult obsessed with Tweety Bird.

You know what? I just fucking hate everything about Tweety Bird and his bullshit. Is he even a him? So much attitude for a little bird, and SO sarcastic! Tweety and Sylvester are only slightly less horrible than fellow Looney Tunes character and hero to white trash the world over, the Tazmanian Devil, and that’s not saying much. I would love to see that cat nab Tweety with his long claws and slowly bat him around the room the way cats do. I want to see Sylvester get on his side and hold Tweety in his front paws while he bashes the life out of that yellow asshole.

Whore.

I have seen exactly none Betty Boop cartoons. What is she? Is she a toddler prostitute? A sex doll that was brought to life by the kindly old man who built her? And what’s wrong with her ham-shaped head? She looks like a cross between Eric Stoltz in “Mask” and an Asian sex slave. Wait a minute, I’m starting to see the appeal.

All those old black and white cartoons with the squiggly noodle arms and legs freak me out. They seem evil and racist, even when they aren’t being evil and racist. I feel like Hitler probably dreamt in that style.

I seriously hate that I have to vote today. I can’t find a single politician worth my vote.

They all act like a bunch of asshole kids fighting over a broken toy. They don’t actually want to PLAY with the toy, they just want CONTROL of the toy.

The attack ads were so bad this year, I could barely watch People’s Court! Yeah, don’t FUCK with People’s Court if you want MY vote.

When did our country become so dumb? Were we always this dumb but I didn’t notice it because I was too busy listening to Van Halen and skateboarding?

So happy Voting-For-The-least-horrible-Choice day!

I don’t care how “gay” this makes me, but I hate it when girls do the “hot” Halloween costume thing.

“Oh, what are you dressed as?”

“I’m a hot Guantanamo Bay enemy combatant.”

“But you are just wearing lingerie.”

“I know, right? What’s a com-bat-ant?”

It’s not the “hot” aspect I dislike, it’s more about the lack of effort put into these whore outfits. I’ve spent the last two weeks driving around like an asshole looking for a wig and trying to find the exact right compressed air tank to accomplish my stupid costume and all these sluts have to do is show off their incredibly hot, young, tight bodies. Wait, I’m getting confused.

Here’s the deal, I think Halloween costumes are best when they are horribly uncomfortable to wear all night, either physically or emotionally. For example, my friend sent me these photos from a party she attended last night. This fucking genius deserves some sort of “Halloween Commitment To Excellence Award” for cutting and dying his hair and walking around as king douchebag Guy Fieri all night! This guy even purchased official Guy Fieri wristbands! That is serious commitment. This guy is my hero!

It just isn’t fair that this courageous man has to suffer so greatly while others just get to be slightly more slutty versions of themselves.

Who cares? Ignore me. OK assholes, have fun this weekend.

When I walk in to a house and see one of those awful display cabinets filled with little porcelain clowns and angel statuettes I immediately know two things… 1) I accidentally walked into the wrong house and 2) I am within 15 feet of a TV playing America’s Funniest Home Videos… ON A VCR!

In general, I hate clutter and believe less is more when it comes to home decoration and nothing is more horrifically cluttery than a small army of Precious Moments figurines staring you down with their giant heads and soulless eyes. Get a room! I really don’t need to have your filthy toddler love and under-aged romance shoved in my face. How do you think it makes me feel when I’m home alone, drunk, with no girlfriend* and no chance for sex in the near future but somehow these two children have managed to meet, date, fall in love, get engaged, plan a wedding, PAY for a wedding and go to Disney World on their honeymoon, all at the ripe old age of seven? What’s so fucking Precious about that?

We’ll see how long it lasts.

*Sorry ladies, I actually have a girlfriend.