You just made my list!

Are you in a wacky improv group but just don’t know how to convey how hilarious you are in your promo photo? I am here to help with a few tips.

1) Forget everything you know about what adults find funny. Remember in 2nd or 3rd grade when sticking your tongue out in a photo was considered edgy? Well guess what motherfucker… IT STILL IS! Make a funny face, crank your jaw to the side, cross your eyes and bend your fingers all silly like. This technique is know as the “Stephen Hawking” and its power to illustrate wackiness should not be underestimated.

2) If you want to get a little more advanced have a couple members give a “sexy” look. This works best when delivered by the most overweight male or female in your group.

3) Suits! Yeah, suits are funny. Why? Because it’s unexpected! People expect you to be in jeans and t-shirts so you go ahead and turn their world upside down by doing the opposite. Think about it, Carrot Top in a tie-dye tank top… funny, Carrot Top in a suit… I think you get my point.

4) James Bond finger guns. It’s simple really, just imitate your favorite James Bond poster but use your fingers as guns. I know, right? People will be like “What?” and then they will start peeing their pants.

5) This one is NOT optional. Any successful impov group knows to ALWAYS climb all over each other in their promotional photo. Really get in there and fight for it like your job at Best Buy depends on it. Stretch those arms and legs like crazy until the whole group looks like some sort of rollicking comical octopus. Holy shit, I’m laughing just picturing it.

It’s that easy, just ask these guys.

You know what would be like so cool and like totally show like how poetic and deep my photography is? Totally imagine this, it’s like a black and white image but like there are roses that are like totally still red? Yeah yeah yeah, I know, right? It’s like the world is ugly and like dying but like the beauty of the rose lives on? It’s like the innocence of children but like also dangerous because of the thorns? Also like vampires and Wicca and like blood but like beautiful and timeless and delicate but also totally strong? You know? It’s like I’m the single red rose and my parents are the desolate world trying to like totally make me wilt but I’m too bold and bright to be like… ignored?

Gallery of shit

Fuck you, showoff!

Oooooh look at me, I’m too good to be normal mustard, I’m filled with honey from a bee’s vagina.*

I know you are anxious to say “No way bro, honey mustard is the shit.” Well, you are almost correct, just remove the word “the.”

Good old fashioned yellow mustard is the Police and honey mustard is Sting. In other words, classic yellow mustard is America’s Funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget and honey mustard is AFV with Tom Bergeron. What I’m trying to say is that yellow mustard is Swayze in Road House and honey mustard is Swayze in Dirty Dancing. Got it?

*I’m not 100% sure that honey comes from a bee’s vagina but I’m pretty sure it does.

Honey mustard belongs on fucking Mars!

It’s over Brad, let it go.

Look at me I’m skiing! Oh wait, I guess I’m just walking… like a douchebag.

Sure, walking is pretty extreme on its own, but add some fucking ski poles and suddenly you’re the (insert name of famous skier here because I don’t know any) of the neighborhood walking club. With enough practice, you might even make the Olympic walking-around-the-suburbs team!

One time, I was Nordic pole walking and I saw this deep crevasse up ahead. I mean this thing was at least 4 inches deep and a foot across! I was thinking maybe I should pole my way across the street, you know for my own safety, but something in me said, “Go for it, fucking go for it dude.” So I approached the gaping crevasse without fear because I had my poles! I approached the edge of the great hole, sweat pouring into my eyes, and planted my poles. Suddenly it was as if I was weightless and I found myself sailing over the abyss. I’ve never felt so free!

Unfortunately, I misjudged my jump and fell on my face. I was so mad because I ripped my best walking pants. Stupid poles.

Remember when we were kids and we would stroll down to the local penny candy shop to buy as many World Sauna Championship cards as our messy handful of nickels and dimes would allow? We would run home, with old Mrs. Walker’s crazy dog nipping at our heels the entire way, to see which of our favorite sauna athletes we got.

After gathering together in one of our various secret backyard clubhouses, the ritual would begin. First, the wrappers were carefully opened and that horrible pink gum stick was devoured as if it was $1,000 caviar. Next, we began to sort though the cards and the faces of our heroes would reveal themselves. It was glorious! Soon our secret fort would fill with the sound of excited young voices saying, “I got a Bjarne Hermansson!” or “No way, a rookie Annikki Peltonen card!” and “Timo, I got a Timo Kaukonen!” Of course some very serious wheeling and dealing took place for the next hour or so. Timmy would trade a sack of marbles for Skippy’s Ilkka Pöyhiä and Bobby would be forced to give up his pet toad AND a slingshot for his chance to own an extremely rare Katri Kämäräinen.

That night, next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.

Anyway… Oh yeah, and it kills you.

If you have a ponytail and a strong opinion about graphic novels, I’m guessing you are currently home alone fondling your Fushigi Balls. There is also a 37% chance a cassette tape of the Dr. Demento show is currently playing in the background and your penis has not known the pleasure of a vagina.

If you are like me, you are incredibly good-looking and wondering, “What is ‘contact juggling’ and this so-called ‘Fushigi Ball?'” The answer is simple… who cares, let’s go listen to Shout at the Devil and drink beer!

Fine. Contact juggling is juggling but without all the juggling. You happy?

But what is a Fushigi Ball? Is it magic, does it defy gravity? The answer is yes, if you are easily confused by mirrors! For the rest of us, Fushigi Ball is simply a fucking clear ball with a fucking chrome ball inside. When combined with contact juggling, Fushigi Ball can create the illusion of a ball that… um… a ball that appears to… well… fuck, I don’t know, it looks like a ball!

“Hey mom. Fushigi, I like don’t know what it is but it’s the coolest thing ever and I can do it. Also I’m pregnant again.”

People, we have lived in the dark long enough. It is time for us to rise up, cast off our blinders and ask the difficult questions. What the fuck is the difference between the Cajun restaurant and the Asian restaurant at your local mall food court?

Are we really so gullible that a simple name change can influence our taste buds so easily? Stop by “Wok and Roll” and order the glazed chicken with rice and tell me it’s any different the bourbon chicken with rice at “Ben Yay’s Cajun Shack.” The wool is firmly over our eyes and that wool is soaked in glazed meat! They are serving the exact same menu, WAKE UP YOU IDIOTS!

And while you’re at it Casian restaurant workers, can you please stop forcing glazed meat on a toothpick in my face while I walk by on my way to “The Great Potato Catastrophe?” I don’t want your ethnically ambiguous mystery meat jabbed into my eyes if it’s OK with you.