You just made my list!

Want to go for a walk? Who wants to go for a walk? Who’s a good boy? Go get your leash. Go get your leash! Get your leash boy, it’s time for school.

The kind of parents who walk their kids around like dogs will tell you they do it to keep their children safe but the truth is that they are lazy. They are not prepared for the responsibility of keeping a watchful eye on their child so they opt for walking them around like Marmaduke. Why bother with diapers, just open up the patio door and send Timmy out to make in the back yard.

I miss the old kind of lazy parenting, the kind where mommy would tell you to go ride your bike for 10 hours so she could sunbathe in the back yard with a cigarette and a gin & tonic. The kind that encouraged a steady diet of bologna and soda and never had the time for a car seat. I miss my childhood.

The new wave of lazy parents are no fun.

And the Mother of the Year award goes to…

Did you realize you have been wasting your time with toilet paper for over 100 years you big fucking moron? Finally some genius came to his senses and realized there is a much better way to clean our shitty buttholes!

It’s so simple… just keep your poo stick near the toilet. After you explode a load of crap into the bowl, simply take a wad of toilet paper and insert it into your poo stick, reach behind your back, locate your shit-covered bunghole, jam the stick up there and pull it back up behind you with extra care so as not to smear shit all over your back and hair. Almost done… next just carefully stand up and turn around without letting your poopie ass touch anything and eject the soiled paper into the bowl. Just a few more steps… sit back down, grab another handful of toilet paper and DELICATELY insert it into your poo stick because it will now be covered in feces. Reach back behind you without letting your shit-covered poo stick touch ANYTHING on the way down and jam it back up into that brown mess. Stand, eject and repeat as needed. Once your barking spider is finally clean you are going to want to flush the toilet and clean off any feces that you may have accidentally smeared on your back, legs, hands, hair, clothes, towels and/or walls. All you have to do next is wash your crap-encrusted poo stick in the bath tub and put it back near the toilet. Simply clean your bath tub with bleach and that’s it. SIMPLE! As promised, your dignity is intact.

It really is the modern solution. I mean using toilet paper these days is about as smart as still using AOL for your email!

The Comfort Wipe poo stick is for anyone who poops… uptight blonde MILFs, uncles with bad shoulders, old ladies with mysterious accents and even big guys. That’s right, I said big guys! There are many disadvantages to being a big guy but one of the countless advantages is that you have the opportunity to be so fat that you need to wipe your big wet butthole with a stick. Lucky!

You know Comfort Wipe is going to work, I mean look at that perfectly clean white butthole right in their logo!

I’m going to keep this short for exactly 2 reasons.

1) I got home late after dinner and drinks at the latest trendy hipster whiskey tavern (more on that later).

2) My neighbors are going apeshit because we won the Stanley Cup and there’s a good chance our apartment will burn to the ground by morning.

3) There’s only so much to say about these assholes.

4) It’s late, I’m tired and I hate blogs.

Sooooooooo anyway. Tonight was my second trip to the latest hipster hangout in Chicago. It’s more saloon than “bar” and the amount of waxed handlebar mustaches and suspenders holding up tiny pants is staggering. Apparently now it’s cool to look 90s… 1890s. Just ask loyal reader of this amazing website, Erica, about the transportation of her coworkers.

My point is this… FUCK YOU, YOU RIDICULOUS BORING HIPSTERS.

My point is also this… I have coined a phrase for this new breed of precious turn-of-the-century hipster and all I ask is that you spread it and make it catch on. The “Urban Howdy Doody.”

Good night.

Finally, a way to end that nightmare known as walking.

Remember when this shit was first introduced to the world? It was supposed to “revolutionize” EVERYTHING and soon we would all be trading in our Adidas for robot feet. All they revolutionized was the ability of mall cops to become even more round… round and fast, like boulders. Thank God Segways cost approximately 50 million dollars because I don’t want to imagine what this country would look like if we found a way to be even less active.

A Segway makes a recumbent bike look like a Harley strapped to an angry mastodon that shoots Motörhead songs and kegs of beer out of its hairy butthole.

The first step to riding a Segway is to fight the urge to over-correct and over-react. The second step is to keep your hands on the handlebars even though you will feel your penis and balls shriveling up and falling off. You will want to reach down and try to save them but forget about it Dennis, they’re gone and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just enjoy the rest of your “walking” tour of St. Louis, you will have plenty of time to get used to your new vagina when the ride is over.

Hey, want to see George Bush fall off a Segway? There’s no punchline… here you go.

Douchebags.

You know what the world needs? The world needs another shitty splattery painty-paint painting of Jimi Hendrix. If only it could be painted in five minutes by a prancing nerd with a wacky “rock and roll” attitude… an attitude that says “I wore SHORTS to the U2 concert!” Oh, and can all of this please take place at the Motorola “May The Sales Force Be With You” conference in ballroom C at the Phoenix Radisson? Thank you.

Speed painting is to art what Sammy Hagar is to Van Halen. Speed painting is the Guy Fieri of  the art world! In fact, you know who I bet LOVES speed painting? I promise you Guy Fieri has a splashy speed painting of himself in that crazy rock and roll house of his.

Bob Seger + theater nerds + Jay Leno = the nightmares I will have on my deathbed.

Damn, that Credit Union Lending Direct party was OFF THE CHAIN! I guarantee he had the image outlined in pencil before he started “painting.”

Finally my love of shitty performance painting collides head-on with my love of church! Jesus Christ.

I have already written about what a hunk of ass shit the new Pepsi logo is but I feel it’s time to talk about the turd water contained within those ugly new cans. By the way, in the previous sentence I did not intend to write “ass shit” but I think it has a snappy ring to it, so it stays!

The official list of delicious colas is as follows:

#1 Coca-Cola – Some people call it Coke.
#2 Royal Crown Cola – RC is almost good enough to tie for 1st.
#3 Shitty generic colas – The kind you get after T-ball.
#4 Cola used in an enema procedure and then placed back in a can.
#5 Pepsi.

To be honest, a good root beer will kick the ass of a cola any day of the week, except pizza night… pizza needs cola like Ron Jeremy needs his mustache. Don’t give me this pizza and beer bullshit either. Yes, beer is awesome and yes pizza is awesome BUT pizza needs to be washed down with a freezing Coke or an RC. It’s science but you wouldn’t understand.

If I’m presented with the classic “Is Pepsi OK” question after ordering a Coke, I simply look the server in the eye and cordially say “Nope, I’ll stick with the original plan where I drink the world’s most famous soft drink that you clearly must have in your fine eatery. Now be gone with you and go get me that delicious Coke as per my original request.”

Fuck Pepsi.

I was all set to write about something else when fate directed me to this bullshit. All of these inventions aim to do the same thing… make you look like a dick while the rest of the world is being awesome.

OrbitWheel
What do you get when you cross a skateboard with inline skates? A fucking shitty skateboard. If you ever dreamed of ripping your crotch in two the OrbitWheel is your best bet!

AquaSkipper
Maybe you would rather look like an asshole on water. Great, just climb aboard your AquaSkipper and start humping!

“Walk On Water Shoes”
Perhaps you love the water but the AquaSkipper is just a little too extreme for you. Well I would suggest stripping down to your underwear, strapping on your water shoes and going for a nice walk on the ocean.

Swerver Ultimate Carving Streetboard
A skateboard cracked in half? Sure, why not.

Magic Wheel
Let’s see… if there was just a way to combine the nerdiness of a unicycle with the outrageous fun of a wheel chair… hmmmmm… and if you could put it dangerously close to my balls that would be perfect.

What the hell is on this sandwich you just gave me? Is that mayo? You just fucked up bro… big time! Now stand back while I kill this sandwich with my gun that shoots Miracle Whip bottles!

Guess what hipsters, the Hells Angels are here to take your precious Miracle Whip out of your tiny hands and fucking stick ’em on the back of our motorcycles while we crisscross the country committing crimes and fucking shit up! That’s right, dude on the moped, just a few months ago you would have been considered hip and eccentric enough to eat Miracle Whip but not anymore you fucking dork, the bikers have reclaimed Miracle Whip.

Oh, and another thing bitch, we don’t have time to say “Miracle Whip” so hence forth this shit is gonna be fucking called “MW” and if you have a problem with it take it up with the complaint department (pointing to my crotch).

Holy shit, there’s nothing I love more than getting jacked on Jack Daniels and MW and punching some old lady in the fucking face. One time this fucking pig pulled me over on my way to Sturgis and was like “Hey you, your plates are expired.” I was like “My plates are expired? MY PLATES ARE EXPIRED?!?” and I threw a handful of MW in his pig face and was like “Now whose plates are expired motherfucker?”

One night me and my old lady stole an El Camino, robbed a liquor store, did a shitload of coke, got MW tattoos and banged in the porta-toilet at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. Is that REAL enough for you, mayonnaise? That’s what I thought.

LET’S RIDE!