You just made my list!

Goodbye, turds.

No, you are not turds. Well, some of you are. Wait, when I really think about it, I have dealt with an incredible amount of turds and turd-related activities on this website. To be honest though, it was those turds who got me out of bed each morning. I LOVE all the hate mail that continues to pour in every day, it truly does make my day. I salute you, turds!

But where does that leave you, the non-turd? Well, I love you even more. Yes, even I have the ability to love.

If I may be human for one brief moment, I really have loved hearing from all of you over the last few years but the reality is that I simply do not have the time or energy to continue writing. You may not be able to tell from my past writing, but I actually really put effort into this site and I don’t want to continue unless I feel I can give it my best effort.

“Fuck you Listy, how hard can it be to rant about Guy Fieri?!?”

What did you just say to me? Do you have any idea how much vomit I choked down over the past 3 years while writing about powerful enemies like Guy Fieri, Miracle Whip and corn? Holy shit, I just realized something, if Guy Fieri has a recipe that involves slathering corn on the cob with Miracle Whip I might have to kill myself.

Back to the point… Dedicating 5 nights a week to my genius opinions was taxing but I did it for you, the little people. And WOW, was I good at it! Not to mention, all the hilarious writing I did (and continue to do) in the comments. I really am great, just like you guys always tell me. I’m high-fiving myself. Now I’m taking off my shirt and karate kicking the air while singing a Kid Rock song. I don’t know if it’s a real Kid Rock song but when I sing about America, tits and eagles I just assume it’s probably one of his songs.

So, as much as I hate to say it, I think it’s time for me to close up shop. It feels weird to make it official but all moderately good things must eventually fizzle and die a slow, forgetful death. Like Aerosmith.

I’m trying to find just the right words to sign off with. Something sincere, poignant and heartfelt. Perhaps I will simply say this…

Everything is the worst.

Goodbye.

Well, it’s official, the universe will implode on February 5th, 2011 at 11:30 Eastern Standard Time.

The earth will rip apart and just as the molten goo from the center of our planet begins to melt your skin off, you will have just enough time to reflect on all the time you wasted carefully placing 20 pillows on your bed every morning. You will beg God for another chance to live life to the fullest but your screaming prayers will go unanswered, because the instant Dana Carvey and Linkin Park share the Saturday Night Live stage, heaven will be the first thing to explode. Poof… no more God. Satan is calling the shots now, pal. It’s over.

FUCK!

Why? Why is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV so awesome when all I want to do is hate him?

It’s easy to despise Tom Cruise when he’s jumping on your couch and babbling on and on about space monsters, but then, out of nowhere, the guy has the nerve to be so insanely kickass that we have no choice but to engage in a worldwide slow clap.

It’s hard to decide on the appropriate emotion when his name is spoken. Instantly I think about what a bag of turds the guy was when he was telling Brooke Shields to just get over her depression already and climb aboard the Millennium Falcon with him, and then WHAM, I catch a rerun of “TAPS” or “Risky Business” on cable and suddenly I just want to squeeze those fat cheeks and initiate the most monumental tickle-fight the known universe has ever seen. He’s like an abusive boyfriend, he hits me because he loves me so much. MAVERICK!

While the rest of our lazy asses were sitting at Outback Steakhouse jamming Bloomin’ Onions into our greasy mouths, this fucking guy was dangling from the world’s tallest building in Dubai. Guess what? I’d be afraid to even GO to Dubai because I hear you go to jail for holding hands in public. I like holding hands, sue me.

Oh, by the way, he remained as cool as his character in “Cocktail” while hanging from that tiny rope 2000 feet in the air. What have YOU done lately?

God damn you Cruise.

UPDATE!

Here are some stunt men at the top of the same building, scouting locations for the film. Oh and by the way, ONE GUY ISN’T EVEN WEARING A SAFETY HARNESSES! Cut your dick off because these guys win.

Have you seen the new video for “The Kill” by “30 Seconds to Mars,” Jared Leto’s shit emo band? Of course you haven’t because you aren’t a 13-year-old girl. The premise is basically this… Jared Leto and his band check into a hotel with 10 suitcases of eyeliner and a desire to shit all over Kubrick’s “The Shining.” Then some screaming and intense glaring at the camera happens. Oh yeah, then Jared Leto fucks Jared Leto in a hallway.

Great, now look at the camera – click click – perfect, now look down – click click – great, great – click – I love it – click click click – Beautiful! Let’s try something totally outrageous, something that has never been tried before. Let’s try one where you are taking a drag off a cigarette. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy but you’ve got to trust me on this one, I think it will make you look like the biggest bad ass that has ever lived. What’s that, you don’t smoke? Well it’s time to learn if you ever expect to be awesome. You want to look cool and mysterious, right? OK, here we go – click – YEAH, I LOVE IT – click click – Ooooh, the choking is great, keep doing that – click click

We get it, you’re a bad boy. You wear distressed Motley Crüe T-shirts that you paid $300 for in Beverly Hills and, as much as your mother begs, you simply refuse to quit smoking. Congratulations celebrity tough guys, you are exactly as cool as a teenage boy.

To be honest, I blame the photographers for perpetrating this cliché over and over like a bunch of high school photo students shooting pictures of a single flower poking through the snow. Deep, very deep.

Where do you turn when you need a boring white guy to act opposite a dog? Tom Hanks. But what if he’s too busy and not quite bland enough… call The Belush!

What’s that you say, you need to film a scene where a dog and a salt-of-the-earth tow truck driver put on sunglasses and play the harmonica to get out of a dicey situation? BELUSHI! You need your leading man to share a slice of deep dish pizza with a slobbering dog? BELUSHI! Your dream scene is a man and a dog getting drunk together at a bowling alley? BELUSHI!

Don’t believe me? Well then I would ask you to direct your attention to Jimbo’s resume, which includes…
K-9
Dog’s Best Friend
K-911
Snow Dogs
K-9: P.I.
What’s New Scooby Doo
Underdog
Snow Buddies

Oh shit, that’s right, I forgot to mention that Belushi can also PLAY a dog! You can send me the bill for cleaning your carpet and painting the walls because I know I just blew your mind all over the fucking room.

Bruce Willis is really a ghost. Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson are really superheroes. Water kills aliens and Mel Gibson’s wife tells him to swing some dumb baseball bat on her deathbed. The village is really an experiment and the movie actually takes place in modern times. The lady in the water is, I don’t know, magic or something. Plants are making people commit suicide.

SPOILER ALERT! Whoops, I did that wrong.

Feel free to send me thank you cards and gifts for saving you from wasting several hours of your life sitting through this bullshit. I prefer vintage acoustic guitars. (No Spanish or classical guitars please and obviously pre-1970)

First of all, how did a guy named M. Night Shyamymallanam7an even find work in Hollywood? What ever happened to directors with names like JOHN FORD and COEN BROTHERS? To be honest, I don’t have the five minutes it takes to say M. Night Shyamama$llayaymama, I’ve got shit to do, pal. I have a recall on my car to repair something that might cause my car to burst into flames and it has gone ignored for over 4 years, what makes you think I’m going to have time to pronounce your fucked-up name?

Remember when we all saw The Sixth Sense for the first time? After the movie we walked to our cars excitedly talking over each other, saying things like, “I never saw it coming” and “that kid who saw dead people was sooooo good” and “I totally can’t wait to rent this at Blockbuster on VHS video tape format so I can look for clues.” Well, we were a bunch of assholes. The sooner we can admit it the sooner we can begin the healing process.

UPDATE. Watch this.

Take me now lord, I’m ready.

You know what sucked? The first Karate Kid movie! Yeah that’s right, the original Karate Kid with Ralph Macchio, Mr. Miyagi and everyone’s favorite blond bad boy Johnny Lawrence was a steaming pile of shit. You only liked it because you were 10 years old and fell asleep nightly to the fantasy of kicking the ass of that older kid who ripped your parachute pants and took your Merlin.*

If the 1984 Karate Kid was a piece of shit then consider the 2010 version with Jackie Chan and that insufferable brat Jaden Smith a piece of shit that was eaten by a dog, barfed up and re-eaten by another dog and re-shat upon a hot summer sidewalk. I can’t change the channel fast enough when I see one of the self-righteous Smith clan on my TV. In fact, the other night I could not find the remote when the Karate Kid commercial came on and I literally had to move to a new house. I fucking walked right out the door, left everything behind and started a new life.

Oh, the nightmare does not end with the movie. Watch the following Justin Bieber music video for “Never Say Never” at your own risk. It’s good to see Jaden Smith continue the long Smith legacy of horribly bland rap. Justin Bieber looks like Chuck D. compared to Smith in this clip.

*HOLY FUCK, MERLIN RULED!