I believe it was the wise and insightful George W. Bush who said “Fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me…………… you can’t get fooled again.” Like most everything George Bush said, I totally agree!
I made the mistake of seeing “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” a few weeks ago. You could say it was my own personal 9/11. It was definitely a tragedy and I immediately made ribbon magnets for my car that say “Paul Blart: Mal Cop – Never Forget.”
Imagine how difficult it was for me to see a trailer for “Observe and Report,” the new mall cop movie starring Seth Rogen. I was still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after Blart and simply was not mentally prepared for another catastrophe.
The most confusing thing about these dueling mall movies is that the female lead of each movie is NOT the same actress! Kevin James’ love interest in Blart is Jayma Mays, who looks exactly like Seth Rogen’s love interest in Observe, Anna Faris. In fact, until I did a little research, I was sure both movies starred the same girl.
Is this the beginning of same strange Twilight Zone scenario where eventually every movie is about a fat mall cop who falls in love with a blonde mall employee? It already seems like Seth Rogen is in every new movie. Is Seth Rogen taking over the planet? Is he an alien lusting after human blood? I’ve got you figured out Rogen, and like George W. Bush said “I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe… I believe what I believe is right.”
Thank God I was lucky enough to see this piece of crap for free thanks to an advance DVD. I think I may have literally gone insane had I seen it in a theater.
For the record, I wanted to see this movie and I wanted to like it. I really like most of David Fincher’s movies and I even like Brad Pitt. Side note: if you look up “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” on IMDB, Brad Pitt is not listed in the cast. Kind of a dis considering he is in every scene.
While watching this movie I had an uneasy feeling, the exact feeling I had while watching “Forrest Gump.” It’s a feeling I can only describe as being inappropriately touched by a tiny crowd of “Love Is” figurines while being force fed a bag of sugar. Benjamin Buttons might be the biggest “aw shucks” movie of all time, even more so than Gump. Oh by the way, guess why it reminded me of Forrest Gump? Both movies share the screenwriting magic of Eric Roth! Turd.
For a movie that tells the entire life story of a man, a man who ages in reverse no less, it’s incredibly BORING! Not to mention, this film clocks in at around 7 hours and 35 minutes. I took a 45 minute nap and had no problem picking up the action when I awoke because all I missed was a 45 minute scene of Brad Pitt drinking tea.
Holy shit does Will Smith and the rest of his boring family suck! The Smith/Pinkett Smith dynasty is so average and boring I’m having a hard time coming up with words that sufficiently describe their mega suckitude.
Oh my god, I literally just remembered his shit music! When I started writing this rant I totally forgot about his musical “talent”. Fuck this guy and his blandy blandness!
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are like red apples, everyone likes them but when you really think about it they suck. Sure you can sort of enjoy a red apple (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) but half way through that apple you realize you have had enough and move on to more kickass fruits like grapes or oranges and never look back.
I knew I was going to hate this movie and that is precisely why I avoided it until Sunday afternoon when I found myself in a situation that did not offer an escape. Having said that, I still was hopeful that it would be at least enjoyable enough to sit through. It wasn’t. I would re-title this movie “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Waste of My Day Off: You Motherfuckers.”
I love Michael Cera but this piece of shit relied so heavily on his “I’m a gentle, lovable kitten” persona that by the end of it I was even sick of him. Michael Cera, consider this your official warning. Strike one was Juno and Nick and Norah is strike two. He’s too good for this mindless, formulaic, teen movie crap. Yes, Juno was crap too so shut up.
Here’s the best part, after watching Nick and Norah struggle to discover their love for each other for 90 minutes while we, the audience, knew they “should really be together” they don’t even end up together at the end. They each go back to their jerky exes! Fuck off, of course Nick and Norah ended up together just as we all knew they would and that’s what made the movie as painful as a zit right on the edge of your lip. There is nothing to distract you, like a memorable storyline or performances, from the inevitable ending. Instead you have to sit through the torture of waiting for the thing you know is going to happen to happen in exactly the way you knew it was going to happen.
I was extra bummed because the director, Peter Sollett, wrote and directed a wonderful, simple film in 2002 called “Raising Victor Vargas” that is miles in the other direction of Nick and Norah. It also deals with young love but in an incredibly realistic and engaging way. Watch both and try to convince me that the “Hollywood” formula is better.
I’m always a little afraid to see a movie the general public describes as “SOOOOOOO good” especially when the film is one of those ‘indie films’ for the masses. Inevitably I hate it and everyone thinks I’m a dick for my correct and superior opinion. With that said, I went into Juno with a good attitude. I love Michael Cera and Jason Bateman, how bad could it be? Within 10 minutes I was working on plans for a time machine that would take me back 11 minutes.
I don’t care if Diablo Cody was a stripper or a Hooters girl or whatever the story is, she should stick to the pole because her movie is an insult to all the strippers out there who actually HAVE written great, undiscovered screenplays. In fact, she’s the weak link in this mess. The basic storyline isn’t bad and she had a great cast to work with but Diablo (I can’t believe I actually have to type that) writes dialogue like a 1st year film student.
So listen up “home skillet,” you did not like this movie. The kids were not “so real” and they didn’t “sound just like real kids.” Diablo Cody’s life story is not interesting and she did not deserve an Oscar. You will immediately place your Juno DVD on ebay or craigslist for the price of $1. I am not a dick.
Diablo Cody and fans of Juno, you just made my list!
I don’t care if Diablo Cody was a stripper or a Hooters girl or whatever the story is, she should stick to the pole because her movie is an insult to all the strippers out there who actually HAVE written great, undiscovered screenplays. In fact, she’s the weak link in this mess. The basic storyline isn’t bad and she had a great cast to work with but Diablo (I can’t believe I actually have to type that) writes dialogue like a 1st year film student.
