You just made my list!

I really have a stick up my ass for super tool and host of The Food Network show ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives’ Guy Fieri. If I ever see him walking towards me on the street I’m gonna… well I don’t know if I could even tell if he was walking towards me because the retard wears his sunglasses on the back of his head. Well played Fieri, you are like a cobra!

What do I hate most about this turd, it’s so hard to choose. Is it his wussy, 1996, “Swingers,” rockabilly wardrobe? Maybe it’s his permanent, fake smile and aggressively annoying laugh? The TGI Friday’s commercials? It could be that he ruins what could be one of the only watchable shows on The Food Network. I love to eat at diners and drive-ins but I can’t make it through an episode thanks to this ass.

While I’m at it, let’s throw most of The Food Network on my god damn list. They have a bad habit of hiring the most annoying people on the planet and then giving them about 20 shows each. You can’t turn that channel on without Bobby Flay trying to fight you or Paula Deen trying to eat you.

Guy Fieri and The Food Network, I want a written apology!

I’ve been redoing a lot of landscaping in my yard lately and usually mix cow manure into the soil. I don’t even use gloves sometimes, I love it that much. I bought some shrubs the other day from a nursery that did not sell manure because of “mad cow disease” (huh?) but they recommended I try cotton burr by Back to Nature. OK, fine. When I pulled my car around to the pick up area I was floored by the unbelievable bad breath seeping from the guy’s mouth who loaded the compost into my car. I was 5 feet from the guy and it was windy but I could still smell his ass mouth.

Moving on, I got into my car and soon realized the intense smell was actually coming from that piece of shit (ironic because I actually wanted to buy shit) cotton burr and not from the decent young man I failed to tip. Believe me when I tell you, without exaggeration, that this was easily one of the foulest smells I have ever experienced.

Let me see if I can describe it for you… imagine going to a Phish concert and capturing the bad breath of every filthy hippie in some sort of bad breath vacuum. Now get in your car and drive to the nearest Korn concert and suck up a little more bad breath. Now imagine that ungodly mixture of air is your only source of oxygen for a 15 minute car ride. Keep in mind the bag was closed, all of my windows were open and I was driving with my head out the window and I still had to literally fight back barf. I was longing for the smell of cow shit the entire way home.

I hate you cotton burr compost, I HATE YOU!

Hey kids, gather around, I want to tell you something. Santa Claus is going to die this summer. That’s right, Santa, Mrs. Claus, the elves, the reindeer, the people who take care of the reindeer, Santa’s accountant, his IT guy, their personal chef and the entire staff are all going to fucking drown. Santa’s workshop and home will rip apart and fall into the frigid waters. Tiny, bloated elf corpses will litter the water along with Timmy’s xbox, little Sarah’s Dora the Explorer Springtime Princess doll, Tommy’s Jeff Gordon NASCAR action figure and Susie’s “Baby Looks Sick.”

That’s right, for the first time in, I don’t know, EVER the North Pole might be ice-free this summer. Congratulations everyone, we did it!

Listen up jerks, scientists do not have a political agenda, at least the ones not hired by George Bush. They are obsessed with facts and verifiable data, it’s what these nerds live for and even though you kicked their sissy asses in high school these dorks are still trying to save your fat life you fatty.

The evidence is overwhelming that global warming is very real and very manmade so wipe the Cheeto dust off your face and wise up you big dummy. Ignoring science is like pouring boiling water on your arm and then proclaiming “the jury is out” on exactly why your Tasmanian Devil tattoo is starting to blister and melt.

Those of you who don’t think global warming is real have a permanent home on my list!

I’m always a little afraid to see a movie the general public describes as “SOOOOOOO good” especially when the film is one of those ‘indie films’ for the masses. Inevitably I hate it and everyone thinks I’m a dick for my correct and superior opinion. With that said, I went into Juno with a good attitude. I love Michael Cera and Jason Bateman, how bad could it be? Within 10 minutes I was working on plans for a time machine that would take me back 11 minutes.

I don’t care if Diablo Cody was a stripper or a Hooters girl or whatever the story is, she should stick to the pole because her movie is an insult to all the strippers out there who actually HAVE written great, undiscovered screenplays. In fact, she’s the weak link in this mess. The basic storyline isn’t bad and she had a great cast to work with but Diablo (I can’t believe I actually have to type that) writes dialogue like a 1st year film student.

So listen up “home skillet,” you did not like this movie. The kids were not “so real” and they didn’t “sound just like real kids.” Diablo Cody’s life story is not interesting and she did not deserve an Oscar. You will immediately place your Juno DVD on ebay or craigslist for the price of $1. I am not a dick.

Diablo Cody and fans of Juno, you just made my list!

Am I jealous that I didn’t invent Crocs? Yes. Is that why I hate them so much? No.

If I see you wearing your Crocs it is best to guard your ass from my shoe wearing foot that is about to kick it. Why why why would anyone, including children, willingly choose to wear these in public? Are we really so bored that in order to feel alive again we need to experience the stinging humiliation of dressing like clowns in public? I hate us. Actually I hate you.

Yes, Crocs are insanely ugly and ridiculous and should be shunned for those reasons alone but the thing I really hate about them, or any fad, is that it once again proves that people are predictable followers. Just think about those idiots who will literally get in fist fights over Tickle Me Elmo or Furbies or fill in the blank. It’s this desire to blend in with the crowd and disappear that makes me want to force feed you your Crocs.

Guess what, you look like an ass in your Crocs. You don’t look cute and you don’t look “funky” and don’t even try to tell me how comfortable they are. Walking around with bags of dog shit on your feet might be the most comfortable thing ever but I still wouldn’t do it. I’m sorry if it sounds like I think I am superior to “Crocs people” but it’s only because I am.

Hey Crocs. You just made my list!

UPDATE: Here’s video of the “shoe” being thrown on stage that turned Josh Homme into a ass-raping maniac. It’s not even a fucking SHOE! At best it’s a sock! AND IT DIDN’T EVEN TOUCH HIM! So all you defenders of this asshole who keep saying “How would you like it if someone hit you with a shoe” can fuck off. What a douchebag baby.

Watch at the 1:30 mark…

Now, on the the original rant…

This one kind of hurts because I used to like Queens of the Stone Age but after watching frontman and Craig Kilborn look-a-like Josh Homme go off on a 14 year old kid in the clip below, I saw what a dick face the guy is. Apparently this overzealous kid threw something on stage, I’m guessing it was something harmless, and within seconds is taken for a ride through Josh Homme’s darkest fantasies of fighting and butt sex. Tough guy Josh goes on and on from his 20-foot perch about how he’s going to kick this 14 year old’s ass after invading it with his wiener. Takes a pretty tough guy to start a fight with a kid who barely has pubes, especially when you are separated by 20 feet of security and 10,000 fans who have your back.

Oh, but the fun doesn’t end there. There are endless clips of this turd berating various audience members and in every clip he can’t stop himself from discussing their soon to be fucked butts or their dicks or how they are “faggots.” How does a guy fixated on being inside his enemies’ buttholes get the balls to call everyone around him gay? And why even go there? Why use homosexuality as an insult? What an asshole.

Guard your butt!

More fun with Josh…

Josh Homme is trying to quit cock smoking.

It’s hard to quit when everyone is smoking cock around you!

Those guys are going to blow each other (jealous Josh).

Let’s take a trip back to 3rd grade.

Here’s how it’s done Josh…

What a monumental task it has become trying to figure out who or what to put on my list for my very first post on this soon to be famous blog. I have such a long list of people and things that annoy me how could I possibly choose. This is a real Sophie’s Choice I’ve got on my hands.

I decided to choose the one thing in life that makes me the craziest. The one thing that instantly sends an unexplainable rush of adrenaline through my body and that one thing is dropping my keys! Oh sweet lord how I hate to drop my keys. I realize this simple event is ridiculous to 1) care about and 2) write about, but I just want to go on a killing spree when I drop my keys.

And while I’m on the subject of my jerk keys, why do I have so many? My house alone requires 4 keys. I feel like a janitor walking around with this mess.

Dropping my keys… you just made my list!