You just made my list!

Have you seen the documentary The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters yet? If not, hurry the hell up because it rules. You know what doesn’t rule, Billy Mitchell and his little disciple Brian Kuh. They suck very hard.

It has nothing to do with the possibility that Billy cheated or the fact that he won’t break world records at the little Twin Galaxies festival of virgins, I just can’t stand the guy. He’s the worst kind of nerd, arrogant and with zero self-awareness. I like my nerds to be fearful and lonely. I want them to flinch when I fake punch them.

It’s no wonder Billy Mitchell walks around like the Arthur Fonzarelli of the arcade. He is literally worshiped by a small but devoted group of video game dorks. Adult video game dorks. He is king of the dorks. And what a heroic figure he is with his beautiful, long, 1984 porno hair and his novelty, America-themed neckties. He’s like a cross between Jesus and Chewbacca.

Every night before bed Billy has to remove Brian Kuh from his ass. If Billy Mitchell is king of the dorks then Brian is… well… Brian is just a fucking dork! I just came to a startling realization, Billy Mitchell IS cool. I mean in his world he does deserve to be king. He hangs out with 40 year old guys who still play Marble Madness WITH THEIR FEET. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that Billy Mitchell is the only member of Twin Galaxies who has ever kissed a girl.

Maybe I’m jealous of Billy Mitchell. Maybe I want to be Billy Mitchell. I’m just kidding, I was trying to sound like a real writer coming to some stupid realization. No, the truth is I can’t stand Billy and Brian Kuh and people who play Marble Madness with their feet.

I am not including Roy “Mr. Awesome” Shildt in the dork category. He is, in fact, AWESOME!

Why is it that every couple years some science program on TV has to remind me that my body is covered in harmless microscopic mites? Do I really need to know my god damn eyebrows are teeming with tiny jerks eating my dead skin cells? Stop it already, enough! Oh, and don’t forget your bed sheets and pillows are covered too!

I have to go barf. I’m sure there are mites in that too.

Oh how I love Bravo’s Project Runway. Seriously, I LOVE it and have been a fan starting with season one. The first episode of each season always feels a bit strange because the setting is unchanged from the previous season but the cast of characters is unrecognizable. It’s as if you are watching your favorite stupid show like “Everybody Loves Raymond” but every season 90% of the cast is replaced with new actors. The one consistent thing about episode one of Project Runway is that the most annoying designers quickly make themselves known and this season is no different.

As the popularity of past designers with stupid gimmicks and catchphrases grows (I’m looking down at you Christian Siriano with your fucking annoying “fierce” bullshit) so grows the number of dumb asses who make it on the show to promote their personalities rather than their design skills. This season is filled with shit heads and douchebags, in fact there are too many to write about.

Let’s start with Stella. Give it up guy, you’re like 60 years old and you look like Alice Cooper. It’s over.

Next up, Jerry. Get your pinhead off my TV.

That brings us to Suede. I kind of hate you so much right now that I can barely discuss you. Don’t get too used to hanging with Tim Gunn, you will be back in Ohio soon. Suede? Are you fucking kidding me with that name? Anyone who refers to themselves in the third person needs to be put in Guantanamo Bay.

And the mother of all Project Runway tools has to be “Blayne.” Really take a moment to soak in his name… BLAYNE. Fuck off and fuck off hard! If he makes it past another episode and “holla atcha boy” becomes the new “fierce” I might have to stop wearing “urban street wear” as a protest. This orange, piece of shit is obviously only there to promote his catch phrase “holla atcha boy” and I pray they will send him straight back to Compton soon.

Kudos to Emily, Kelli and Kenly for being hot and to Terri for having the guts to try and pass himself off as a woman. Way to go dude!

Does the fact that I can barely stomach to be within 100 feet of teenagers mean I’m getting old or does it mean that most teenagers are annoying and I’m awesome? I have to admit that I know some cool teens but they have got to be in the top 1% of their peers. I’m sure I was super annoying to be around too so I’m not cutting myself any slack on this one. The difference between “teenage me” and this tool is that I have never been one of those people who are completely unaware of their surroundings. This kid on the other hand thinks the world stops about half an inch from his scrawny body. Hey kid, got your fucking nerd-fro out of my face and move out of my way so I can get my double cheeseburger and large root beer! And while you’re at it, learn the inner workings of the classic line system whereby one individual waits behind another in an orderly fashion, each with the same goal.

Have you ever just hated someone from the second you saw them? Well, that was this kid for me. He’s probably awesome if you get to know him. I’m just kidding, I’m sure he still sucks.

Let me start by saying this, Johnny Cash is the coolest person who ever walked the earth. It is impossible to be cooler than Johnny Cash. Hey, you know who is less cool than Johnny Cash? Justin fucking Timberlake. You know who’s less cool than my uncle’s balls? Justin-fucking-god-damn-Timberlake. This is why I almost threw my TV out the window and set myself on fire when I saw Justine’s douchebag face in a Johnny Cash tribute video. Fuck off! Justin Timberlake isn’t worthy to smell Johnny Cash’s farts. I’m not so sure Cash isn’t climbing out of his grave at this very moment on the way to kick his ass.

Can we all stop pretending we need to take this prancing, boy band, Michael Jackson rip off, ass wad seriously? I realize it’s cool to prove how ironic you are by playing his crap music at your lame party but enough is enough. You’ve had your fun, now go back to playing music you actually like and your friends want to hear. Your mustache is enough to let us know how ironically awesome you are. Just look at that picture of him, do you think “The Man in Black” wants this turd and his pube hair in one of his videos? Do you think Johnny Cash would be whistling “I’m Bringing Sexy Back” to himself if he were alive?

Johnny Cash could not be more opposite of Justin Timberlake. Cash was the real deal, he was as honest as they come. When he sings about pain you feel pain. When he sings about love you feel love. When he sings about drugs you feel high. No focus group was telling Johnny Cash what to do or how to dress and if you asked him to make an appearance on TRL to promote his new single he would have kicked you in the balls and snorted cocaine off your tears.

There will never be another Johnny Cash but there will always be another Justin Timberlake. You’re stinking up my list Timberlake!

I hope there is a special place in hell for people who can’t keep their fat mouths shut at a movie theater.

I went to see “WALL-E” last night and as always the people sitting directly behind me would not shut up. Now, since the theater was packed with kids you may think I’m just an asshole who should expect kids to talk during a movie. Yes, I do expect KIDS to talk during a kid’s movie, in fact I think it’s hilarious and cute when a kid breaks the silence by saying something like “it’s raining on the robot” but these yapping idiots were at least 16 or 17 years old. By that age you should have a basic understanding of how society operates.

It’s not like they were discussing an Iraq exit strategy or the latest Terry Gross interview on “Fresh Air,” instead these dolts merely verbalized anything their tiny tiny brains were shitting out. Without exaggeration, here’s what the first 10 minutes of the movie sounded like. Please keep in mind there were no breaks between these comments, it was a nonstop barrage of crap.

“Oh, it’s starting – Pixar – look at that lamp – that lamp is sooooo cute – Pixar – that’s earth – look at all the garbage – that’s garbage – there’s WALL-E – he’s sooooo cute – he’s rolling on wheels – he’s sooooo cute – ew gross – oh my god – he’s really cute – look at his eyes – I know, they are sooooo cute – look at all the garbage – earth is soooo dirty – WALL-E has to clean up earth – yeah he’s gettin’ all the garbage – he just rolls around getting’ garbage – yep, on his wheels, he’s rolling on his wheels”

A) SHUT THE FUCK UP and B) WALL-E DOESN’T HAVE WHEELS, they are tracks. TRACKS!

We turned around and shot them the “excuse me, I hate to bother you but could you please have a heart attack and die so we can hear the movie” look which did not work. Several more direct glances were ignored so finally we had to say “can you please be quiet?” If you have ever asked someone to be quiet in a theater you know what’s coming next. One dick wad turns to the other and says “what did they say” to which dick wad #1 replies sarcastically “I guess I’m not allowed to talk.” These dumb girls wanted to take it to the next level however and argued “we can talk if we want” to which we replied “no, no you can’t so shut up and stop talking.” Their next reply was possibly the most intelligent comeback I had ever heard and it really put us in our place. Dick wad #1 looked right into our eyes and said “why don’t YOU shut up and stop talking.” BRAVO! The hunter has become the hunted!

Listen butthole, you are not sitting at home in your trailer with a bag of Doritos on your belly watching “Mannequin” on your Betamax. Shut the fuck up or stay home.

(by the way, WALL-E ruled)

Hey celebrity jerks, your baby isn’t a toy for you to play with so knock it off with all the stupid names, ironic mullets and mohawks already. Guess what, we already know that you and your dumb baby are cooler than us, the mohawk is just rubbing it in. Gwen and Gavin, we are well aware of your Jamaican heritage and love of classic reggae like Shaggy and Snow, you don’t have to ram it down our throats by naming your kid “Kingston.”

I can not believe the amount of attention everyone who isn’t me gives to these celebrity babies, what they are wearing, what expensive Escalade stroller they get pushed around in and what $200 cashmere diaper they shit into. Don’t you have your own crappy kids to worry about? I swear to god, if Brad Pitt walked up to most people and said “here, hold Maddox’s poop in your bare hands for me” they would be happy to do it and would have photos of their brown hands on Myspace that night. The fact that approximately 900,000,000,000,000 celebrity baby blogs exist is enough to make me think it’s time for global warming to finish us off and let the cockroaches take a crack at it.

Ask the average American who their Senators are or where Iraq is on a map and they will respond with “support the troops, pussy” but ask them who baby Maddox wore to the Oscars and they ask “well, which year are we talking about here?”

I hate everyone.

Can we all just agree to knock off this new wave of preppy, collar popping, flip flopping bullshit? I already lived through it once in the 80’s so asking me to experience it again is like asking a 95 year old war veteran to head over to Europe and fight a little more WWII. The old guy and I just don’t need the hassle right now.

The most amazing thing about these turds is that I think they actually get laid! BY WOMEN! “Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable. Oh, look at that, too late I’m already wearing flip flops.” Listen Brad, nobody wants to stare at your beer-soaked toes while they are trying to eat. If you are in a situation that requires pants then you are in a situation that requires shoes. You look retarded Brad.

I will give a pass to Kanye West and Kanye West ONLY. Kanye just looks fucking cool dressing like the mayor of Cape Cod. You, on the other hand, look like a major tool.