Where do I start with these turds? There is just nothing appealing about this family or the shitty bikes they “build.” Luckily for them being boring and talentless equals a TV career in this country!
Don’t embarrass yourself by saying “Fuck you, they make rolling works of art, you’re just jealous.” If this is the “thought” in your head right now please go back to listening to your cassette copy of your favorite Nickelback album.
Here’s a synopsis of every tedious episode…
Some company gets the highly original idea to hire these idiots to make a “theme bike.” Paul Teutul Jr. and Sr. tour the factory of said company. Their tiny minds begin to spin as they become inspired by whatever the fuck it is this company does. The wide-eyed CEO tells the Teutuls how excited he is blah blah blah. Paul Jr. goes back to the shop with a box full of crap from their new client and sits around with one of many mulletheaded OCC workers coming up with a design with all the seriousness of doctors discussing a cure for cancer. Of course what they are actually doing is figuring our how to simply weld a bunch of the company’s crap to a stock frame. If the company makes tools, Paul Jr. welds tools to the bike. If the company makes golf clubs Paul Jr. welds putters to the bike. A true artist indeed.
Throw in a few door-smashing tantrums from Paul Sr., some footage of younger brother Mikey getting his head stuck in a mailbox, a scene of Paul Jr. trying to figure out a way to hide some huge mistake, a couple fights between the Jr. and Sr. over the “visual flow” of the bike and top it all off with the last minute delivery of the finished piece of shit motorcycle that will spend its life in some stupid lobby and you have yourself a complete episode of American Chopper. Now hit yourself on the head with a hammer for liking this shit.
What’s that, you want more! How about the American Chopper video game! If you own this video game I am literally begging you to never breed.
You know what pisses me off more than their ugly bikes? It’s the fact that once again the world proves itself to be filled with uninspired lemmings who flock to whatever the flavor of the month is. We just can’t help but celebrate mediocrity can we? And it doesn’t get any more mediocre than American Chopper.
I was all set to write about a different crime against nature, American Chopper, but that will have to wait until tomorrow thanks to this guy’s beautiful tits! I was browsing YouTube for some shitty American Chopper footage (turns out only shitty clips exist of those idiots) when I happened upon a thumbnail of what looks like a woman ruining her nipples with a stupid piercing. I had to watch for two reasons 1) it’s a tit and 2) I was curious if they could actually show tits on YouTube. Was this some sort of loophole because it was instructional?
The clip starts with some jerk-ass pacing around and looking greasy. Who is this guy? Maybe he’s the boyfriend or pimp of the girl whose nipple is soon to be pierced. Wait, what? MY EYES! Why is HIS tit out? Why is he twisting and tweaking HIS OWN nipple? What the fuck is happening and where is the god damn girl?
I have to say though, from the right angle this dirt bag has a great rack!
While I’m on the subject, can everyone please stop piercing their nipples? Ladies, why would you want to ruin the best part of the breast? Guys, it’s just creepy and gross and creepy and disgusting and creepy and gross and wrong and creepy and douchey.
I needed to get that off my chest. Tomorrow I will discuss the Teutuls and their man tits.
I know, I’m an an asshole. Why should I care if people find happiness from stupid shit like scrapbooking? I don’t have an answer for you but I thank you for asking. I’m just that way, OK? I’m a dick and I fucking hate all things scrapbooking so deal with it!
Listen up scrapbookers, let’s leave creative endeavors to creative people. Put your hot glue gun and glitter away and go back to watching Wheel of Fortune or the Home Shopping Network. BUT, if you do watch the Home Shopping Network, don’t even think about ordering more scrapbooking crap.
I KNOW, I shouldn’t care that women gather for scrapbooking parties and share squiggly cut paper ribbons and little wooden pumpkins with each other while getting totally tipsy on white wine and mimosas. Should I care that at the average scrapbooking party the word “cute” is used approximately a billion times? Who gives a shit if they sit around and glue photos of their fat families dressed in matching golf shirts to paper covered in teddy bears?
Oh, but I do care. I care so much. OH MY GOD I CARE SO MUCH I CAN BARELY SLEEP AT NIGHT!
When I sit my ass on the couch after a hard day of “work” there is nothing I want to see more than other people working. I like to sit back with a beer and watch people hand out parking tickets or drive trucks on ice all fucking night long!
OK, I sort of like Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch” and I understand why it’s a popular show. Who doesn’t love a boat full of chain-smoking, manly men doing the same thing every episode for 5 years? BUT, do we really need every profession on the planet documented?
Here’s a list of the shows I am aware of that follow Joe worker guy around as he gets his hands dirty; Deadliest Catch, Lobstermen, Ice Road Truckers, The Verminators, Ax Men, Wrecked and my favorite waste of video tape – Parking Wars.
I guess it’s kind of cool that there is a highway made out of ice but in the time it took me to type this sentence I have already lost interest. I mean, people walking around issuing PARKING TICKETS is (was) an actual show on real TV! People went to work on this show every day and some poor guy had to edit footage of meter maids walking around Philadelphia talking about PARKING!
OH MY GOD, I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE!
Let’s not forget that a majority of these shows are broadcast on channels with grandiose names like “Arts and Entertainment” and “The Discovery Channel.”
We are dumb.
Comments Off on Reality TV shows about people’s jobs!
I am not a fan of “political correctness” but come on, you would have to be a fucking IDIOT to pose for this photo without understanding why it’s offensive and racist. Don’t most people outgrow making “slanty eyes” around the 4th grade?
The part of this story that really confuses me is that this photo, and another identical photo of the women’s team, was used in an advertisement for one of the team’s sponsors. How dumb are the Spanish and how bad are their ads? I’m starting to think I could be the president of an advertising agency in Spain. I guess I always assumed they were cultured people who spent their days in white linen suits sipping sangria on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea.
Think of how many people must have been involved with this ad and not a single person said “Esto es estúpido. Esto es una idea muy mala.”
Too bad Spain is currently making a bid for the 2016 Olympics. How’s that working out for you Spain?
You know how I know there is no God? Every time I see a dirty hippy on their tall bike I pray to God and baby Jesus they will fall. I don’t want them to get hurt (maybe a little) but I do desperately want them to tip over. This is the only thing I ever pray for and when I’m praying for it I’m praying hard. Here’s God’s chance to prove his existence but nothing ever happens. I’ll tell you this, if God is on the side of the tall bikers I don’t want any part of his lame ass.
Does your city have these assholes? Here’s an idea, spend a little more time in the shower and a little less time forcing two bikes to fuck each other for all of eternity. You already have a hilarious, ironic mustache, guy, how much more attention do you need? Are you really that desperate to be noticed? Is it because nobody ever goes to your drum circle even though you put like a million flyers up all over the place? These urban clowns are like the smelly, poor version of these jerks. “Look at me all the way up here. Love me. Think I’m different. Me and all these other tall bike guys are different, right?” These guys are really stickin’ it to the man with their outrageously tall bikes, if the man is a normal human being who showers more than once a month.
In summation, fuck off and quit hoggin’ all the bikes!
Please explain to me how it is possible for Criss Angel to have fans. PLEASE, I need to know. I can not sleep soundly knowing there are people who like this magical turd. I find it difficult to even have the will to live in a world that includes one Criss Angel fan. What is WRONG with you people?!? Even Carrot top is like “look at this fucking tool.”
I just had to take a shower because I accidentally looked at that photo for too long.
Let’s not even bother discussing this jerks Trent-Reznor-meets-Creed-meets-a-homeless-guy’s-butthole fashion sense. Can we all agree he looks like an asshole and move on to the important stuff? Good, thanks.
My main problem with Criss Angel is really more of a criticism of his fans and their willingness to be stupid. Magic only works if you are unable to figure out how a trick is done. However, to believe in the “magic” of Criss Angel you need to convince yourself the ability to edit video has not yet been invented.
I made the mistake of eating too much leftover pizza the other day and was rendered motionless on the couch unable to change the channel. The end result was me watching Criss Angel’s Spyglass Hotel building implosion “escape.” Are you fucking kidding me? Here’s the gist of the escape. Criss Angel is handcuffed by a fake cop to the balcony of a hotel that is about to be blown up. Angel has to escape the handcuffs and get to the roof where a helicopter awaits. To complicate matters all of the doors between the balcony and the roof have been padlocked by the pretend cop. Cameras have been placed throughout the hotel to show us his progress. He gets to the last door to the roof and blah blah blah he can’t get the lock open. As the building implodes the cameras just so happen to cut to static. Oh my god, no way, did I just witness Criss Angel’s death? Will the implosion company ever find work again after killing Criss Angel? Wait a minute, what’s this… thank God, Criss emerges on cue out of the rubble with all the acting skills of a 6th grader.
How did he do it? Like everything else he does, it was a combination of pre-taped video and extreme doucheness. I’m not going to go into a long explanation but for some reason Fox news did (see below).
FINALLY, we have a texting world champion and his name is Nathan Schwartz. Did you go to a kick ass texting world championship party like me? I went to my friend Joey’s house and it was fucking packed ass to elbow. IT-WAS-OFF-THE-HOOK! Oh, and what was your favorite texting world championship commercial this year?
FUCK OFF! What is happening to the world I live in? I relate to my fellow humans less and less every day.
This is you to me: “Hey jerk, this was just a corporate publicity event for blah blah blah.”
Me to you: “Inhale my FART!” I know that this was just a way for some company to create a viral video (and here I am like an asshole helping them) but it does not make me hate everyone involved any less. Maybe I’m just jealous that it takes me about 45 minutes to type “sounds good, see you there” on my cell phone. I should try “sdz gd c u thr” next time.
