Have you ever witnessed something so insanely stupid that you were convinced the government was doing an experiment on you? All you can do is cringe and look for the hidden cameras. This happens to me about once a day.
While at the muffler shop I overheard a discussion between two mechanics that made me want to grab an acetylene torch and weld my ears closed. “Hotel California” by the Eagles was playing over the shitty shop radio and mechanic #1 was about to pee his pants with excitement. You see, mechanic #1 had some sort of inside secret about this song that he could not wait to share with mechanic #2. Luckily for me, I was able to eavesdrop while pretending to read a copy of People magazine from 2005 – did you know Paris and Nicole’s friendship is on the rocks?
Mechanic #1 “Dude, do you know what this song is really about?”
Mechanic #2 “Hotels?”
Mechanic #1 “No. Dude, it’s about heart surgery.”
Mechanic #2 “Huh? I’m pretty sure it’s about a hotel in California, the cover of the album has a hotel…”
Mechanic #1 “SILENCE! It is about surgeons operating on a dude with heart cancer. Just listen.”
Mechanic #1 proceeded to present his flawless theory like this…
“Mirrors on the ceiling” = operating room
“The pink champagne on ice” = blood
“And she said ’we are all just prisoners here, of our own device” = ?
“And in the master’s chambers” = still the operating room
“They gathered for the feast” = gathering for surgery
“They stab it with their steely knives” = heart cancer surgery
“But they just can’t kill the beast” = dude, you can’t kill cancer
Surprisingly, or maybe not, mechanic #2 seemed to agree with this this guy and was kind of having an “ah ha” moment like how could he have been so stupid to miss the real meaning of the song all the years. I guess, like mechanic #1, he had forgotten about the other 95% of the lyrics.
Seriously, why? I relate to this kind of person so little that I don’t even know what to say. Come on, what is the point? These turds look like they are wearing masks – masks labeled “Douchebag Mask.”
The thing that fascinates me the most is the time and attention it must take to keep this ridiculous look maintained. You know the saying “you can’t polish a turd,” well this is sort of like “you can’t shave a piece of shit without it looking even shittier.” Why are people shaving SHIT?
After searching for photos of these creepy jerks for the last 20 minutes I just want to go cry in the shower until I fall alseep. I feel dirty and ashamed. If you could see my emotional state it would look like this…
“It’s time to face the hole!” Holy shit, it’s the end of the fucking God damn mother fucking world!
Have you seen the Mike Judge movie “Idiocracy” in which Luke Wilson accidentally travels 500 years into the future? Turns out society has been so dumbed-down that Wilson is now the smartest person on the planet. In this film the number one show on television is called “Ow My Balls” which consists solely of a man repeatedly getting hit in the balls. Turns out we don’t need to travel 500 years into the future thanks to Fox TV’s newest reality show “Hole in the Wall.” Thanks Fox, keep up the good work!
I’m sure you have seen the Japanese game show clip on YouTube where this concept originated. In the clip, a sad human who was once a tiny baby filled with promise is reduced to trying to fit through a hole in a wall. That’s the entire concept! THIS IS A PRIME TIME TV SHOW! No wonder most Americans can tell you exactly how many times Britney Spears has flashed her nasty beav but could not find Iraq on a map.
I saw the Japanese clips online just like everyone else and was mildly amused for about 2 nimutes but I just made the mistake of watching the full 30 minute version on Fox and now I want to set my face on fire. I had to use wires to force my eyes open like in “A Clockwork Orange.”
I think about my grandfather who fought in WWII and I wonder what he would say if he was around to see the important things he fought for, like “Hole in the Wall.” I know what his reaction would be, a swift kick to my balls. Ow my balls, ow my balls indeed.
Some people really get their red, white and blue panties in a bunch when you dare question their new hero, whom they just heard of for the first time a week ago, so let’s go into the weekend with a rare subject we can all agree on – PUPPIES ARE FUCKING CUTE! Everyone hold hands and stop being such a bunch of pussies!
I REALLY don’t want to turn this into a political blog but I just have to write about this. I PROMISE to get back to complaining about important things like reality TV and various douchebags but this woman is making it impossible not to talk about her.
I am all for debate. In fact, intelligently debating the issues is one of the most important tools for progress. It forces the kinks to be worked out and should bring you to the best solution. But I will never understand the willingness to lie. It always seems the people who wave the American flag the hardest are the ones most willing to shit on it. What could possibly be American about lying to your fellow Americans in an attempt to gain power? People are calling Sarah Palin “relatedable” but I can’t relate to her desire to drag this election into the toilet at all. I’m proud to not relate to this woman.
A writer for the Associated Press decided to fact check Palin and her Republican buddies “facts” and what do you know, they are full of shit. Everyone’s favorite fishing mom or hockey mom or whatever the fuck she calls herself is not the “oh so pure” maverick she pretends to be.
I’m so sick of this brand of politics. It is a direct FUCK YOU to the American people who are currently in great need for honest and intelligent leadership. It’s not easy to say too many bad things about Obama so they resort to twisting the truth and outright lying.
Well it’s official, I hate everyone in modern society. PBS is going to stop syndicating one of the all-time best children’s programs, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, because of “declining ratings.” A spokesperson for PBS had this to say, “I’m a big fat asshole, and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
Let’s get one thing straight (3 things actually), Fred Rogers rules as a person, as an educator and as a TV host. He was more than a host really. He created the show, wrote the scripts, wrote all the songs and even did the voices of the puppets, for 33 years! Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood was a labor of love and all kidding aside I think Fred Rogers was an incredibly great man. The world needs more people like him.
I guess I’m so pissed because here’s another example of how our society has changed for the worse. Kids need to practically have a seizure from bright colors and flashing bullshit or they won’t watch a TV show. You know what, that’s not true. Kids have not changed but what they are exposed to has. I loved – LOVED – Mr. Rogers when I was a kid and I know for a fact he helped shape me into the person I am today. OK, maybe I shouldn’t use myself as an example of a Mr. Rogers success story but he must have helped some other people grow into normal, happy people.
You know what PBS, Fred Rogers was there for you when the government was going to cut your funding in half. In fact he saved your nerd asses with a simple 7 minute speech to a Senate subcommittee in 1969. How about you repay the favor and keep this amazing, timeless show on the air.
Here we fucking go again. I keep hearing quotes about how “people want to have a beer” with John McCain’s odd choice for vice president, Sarah Palin. Here’s an idea dipshit, go have a beer with your cousin, whom you are probably also sleeping with, and let the adults decide who should be president.
I would hope that our next president is so busy fixing the mess your beer buddy George W. Bush left behind that he would not have time to go with you to TGI Fridays for a beer and a bloomin’ onion. After 8 disastrous years with everyone’s favorite frat boy in office how is it possible there are still people simple-minded enough to think like this?
Right wingers love to call Democrats “elitists.” Guess what fuckhead, the leader of the free fucking world SHOULD BE ELITE! He or she should be the best we have to offer. They should be a fucking genius who can barely throw a football from all the hours spent doing homework and going to math camp. The funniest thing about it is that George W. Bush comes from one of the richest and most powerful families in the country and that stupid motherfucker would NEVER lower himself to have a beer with you and your sweaty friends. Stop packing your bags because you ain’t getting invited to his pretend ranch for a kegger.
Fuck you and fuck your fantasies of playing beer pong with your new presidential drinking buddy. Do everyone a favor and stay home drinking beer with your friends on election day.
