Holy shit does Will Smith and the rest of his boring family suck! The Smith/Pinkett Smith dynasty is so average and boring I’m having a hard time coming up with words that sufficiently describe their mega suckitude.
Oh my god, I literally just remembered his shit music! When I started writing this rant I totally forgot about his musical “talent”. Fuck this guy and his blandy blandness!
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are like red apples, everyone likes them but when you really think about it they suck. Sure you can sort of enjoy a red apple (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) but half way through that apple you realize you have had enough and move on to more kickass fruits like grapes or oranges and never look back.
Nothing fills me with panic quicker than not being able to find my wallet. Fear immediately overtakes me after I check all the usual wallet resting places in my home and find nothing but dust outlines of where my wallet once was. I begin to catalog everything in my wallet and fantasize about the fat turd who probably found it on the sidewalk and is currently charging porn to my credit cards. Worse than losing my credit cards is losing my collection of dumb fortune cookie fortunes that has grown over the years. Where will I turn when when I need to be reminded that I “love the nightlife” without those fortunes?
For the record, I always find my wallet eventually and have never really lost one but those 10 or 15 minutes when you think it’s gone forever is the worst feeling in the world.
I was sitting at my desk tonight, working on the computer when all of a sudden – total darkness. I’m not going to lie, it was creepy for a minute. Luckily I have the “flashlight” application on my iPhone which simply turns the screen white, providing just enough light to get around. I got some candles and sat in the cold darkness (no heat without power) for 2 hours like an Amish dude.
You really take things like electricity for granted until it’s gone. I could not do anything. I could not even get my car out of the garage. Well, if I wasn’t too lazy to manually pull up the door I could have gotten my car out but what am I, Amish?
I realized that I have not sat in a quiet room doing nothing for… I don’t know, ever? It kind of made me feel dumb that something so simple was completely throwing my night into a tailspin.
This was a boring post but keep in mind I have just been through a traumatic disaster!
And the award for the least loving, most soulless, awkward kiss goes to… Lee and Ann Marie from the eHarmony commercial!
Poor Lee was going in a hundred different directions before he met Ann Marie. Lee has been saved! I practically see this couple in my sleep thanks to this never-ending ad campaign.
Call me crazy but I swear if you pay attention to the body language in this commercial Lee is not really that into Ann Marie. I’m guessing Ann Marie is the driving force in this relationship and SHE probably proposed to HIM! Lee looks like a kidnapped journalist forced to read a statement by his terrorist captors while they stand beside him with machine guns. Seriously, watch the part where they talk about knowing when you have found the right person. Ann Marie makes sure to remind Lee that “he knows” she is the one. She sticks that gun right against his face and screams “You know! You know! American rock and roll pig, YOU KNOW! Mr. McDonalds Pac Man, YOU KNOW!”
I also like that she can’t pronounce the name Lee. It’s one syllable and it rhymes with “tea” not “bay.” Ann Marie better be careful though because it sounds like Lee has a bit of an anger management problem and if you mispronounce his name he could fucking snap!
Let me try and describe what I’m talking about. You know that part of most shampoo or lotion commercials when you are shown an animation of the product “working” as if it had a mind of its own? Well, it makes me crazy. For example, they will show shampoo floating through your hair looking for damage like a coast guard helicopter searching for survivors of a capsized boat. When these magic balls find dry hair they attach themselves and lovingly fix the problem like shampoo angels.
Does anyone actually believe this is what that cold blob of shampoo is doing on your head? Sadly, I think the answer is yes. I think there are people who really think hand lotion has the ability to seek out cracks in their skin like a police dog searching for drugs. These people are dumb.
However, nothing can rival a kangaroo shooting a bottle of shampoo out of its purple vagina.
I hate this song, I hate the video, I hate Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder bugs the shit out of me.
Pearl Jam is one of those bands that I know everyone loves but I simply do not get. If I try to listen to Pearl Jam I might as well be listening to static or white noise. I hear nothing. I understand why people like certain bands that I despise but Pearl Jam confuses me. For example, I can’t stand Fall Out Boy but I can at least understand why 10 year olds and the mildly retarded find it appealing. Pearl Jam, on the other hand, is so bland that I hear nothing.
I hear nothing unless it’s “Jeremy” then I hear my own brain begin to boil. I hear my ears trying to rip themselves from my head. I HATE this song.
And can someone tell the bass player we know he’s bald so he can stop wearing those dumb hats?
Are you KIDDING ME? Have you heard about this bullshit? Yeah, that’s right, schools are now starting to pay kids for good grades. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now, fuck off.
What happened to people doing things simply because it’s the right thing to do? What happened to kids doing what they are told to do because they are kids and don’t really have a say in the matter? When did Americans become so afraid of children and why must we cater to their every whim? Why am I so much smarter than everyone?!? Probably because I was forced to do my homework without the option of getting rewarded for it.
My reward for getting decent grades was being allowed to live in our house and eat food. Doesn’t seem like I deserved much more than that if you ask me.
School sucked, I hated every second of it. It was BORING and bringing home a mountain of homework every night was torture for me. I was a smart kid but a terrible student, however I am endlessly thankful that I had to suffer through 17 (18?) years of school because it set me up for life. It taught me that sometimes, probably usually, life is not fun. I think that is more valuable than most of the knowledge I absorbed. School teaches you that sometimes shit stinks and all you can do is breathe it in.
Bribing kids for doing what they should be doing anyway is ridiculous. I don’t care if it’s grades or picking up their toys. If my kid went to a school that paid for good grades I would immediately take that money from them and spend it on something for myself. Life can be annoying, get used to it.
