You just made my list!

My sever is fucked up so the site might be down for a day. Fuck you computers!

I barely know who AKON is and I would like to keep it that way. I think he might be one of those guys who sings with the robot voice but I could not name one song by him. Are they really even songs?

So why would I put this young man on my list? You might think it’s because his music sucks but there is so much bad music out there I would never have time to complain about all of it. You might think it’s because he got kicked off Gwen Stefani’s tour and dropped by Verizon after dry humping a 15 year old on stage but no. AKON is on my list because of a quick interview with him that I saw today on the morning “news.” He was explaining how he writes/records/mixes songs with ringtones in mind. Seriously, this turd was explaining how when he is mixing tracks in the studio he will listen back on a cell phone to hear how they will sound as a ringtone. As I type this I am so full of rage I might have to punch myself in the face! A CELL PHONE! FUCK OFF!

Could you imagine telling The Clash, The Who, The Beatles, Johnny Cash, The Pixies, The Ramones, The Replacements (insert awesome band here) that they had to tailor their songs to sound good on a cell phone speaker the size of a grain of rice? I’m guessing even Weird Al would tell you to go fuck yourself.

It is not going to be easy getting through this without vomiting.

I hate hippies. Everyone hates hippies. The only thing worse than a hippie is a hippie with dreadlocks. Ew, a little barf just came up. By definition dreads are disgusting. They are born from neglect and filth (on white people). HOWEVER, somehow it works on real Rasta dudes. BLACK Rasta dudes! It’s an entirely different story when Brad from Cinnabon lets his disgusting hair brush against your cinnamon roll. Sure, Brad loves Sublime and owns Bob Marley’s Greatest Hits on CD and MP3 but he’s hardly “jammin.” Now get me another cinnamon roll you smelly hippie and this time keep that shitty hair of yours out of my delicious icing! You know what Brad, forget it, I don’t even want a cinnamon roll anymore, in fact I may never eat again.

Ironically, these white dirt bags attempt to give off this “hey man whatever” vibe when in reality they are thinking, “hey man look at me, I’m cool, I’m different, do you think I’m cool, I’m in your face, me me me love me.”

If my kid ever tried to pull this shit I would ship him off to Jamaica to live in a tenement yard in Trenchtown.

Unfortunately my friend sent me a link to these “Talking Head Tables” yesterday and now I’m pretty sure our friendship is over. I don’t want to live in a world where this exists. I’m not kidding, one of us has to go. It’s me or the guy who makes his living dressed as a pile of shit.

I quit.

Originally I was just going to write about one thing I hate about ABC’s hit show “Lost” but I fell into a minor rage spiral and now I have to mention a few things that make me crazy about this show. Here are the top 5 things that piss me off about Lost…

1) Ben Linus and his inability to blink.
You may recognize actor Michael Emerson who plays Benjamin Linus from nothing. You might also recognize that he suffers from “Hannibal Lecter Syndrome” which prevents an actor from blinking while in the process of over-acting. HLS usually strikes actors playing bad guys but it can affect anyone. Andrew McCarthy suffered from HLS during most of the 80’s, ultimately ending his career.

2) All the men on the island and their inability to grow beards.
No matter how long these hunky hunks are stuck on this stupid magical island they lack the ability to grow more than 3 days’ worth of stubble. I don’t care if it’s only a TV show, I want BEARDS!

3) Jack’s inability to not breathe heavily.
For those of you smart enough to avoid this show, Jack Shephard is our hero and he’s played by non-beard-growing Matthew Fox. Whether he’s climbing a steep hill or picking up a coconut Jack is out of breath. You see, by sucking wind like a marathon runner an actor is able to communicate just how good he is at acting. The more intense the breathing, the better the acting. It’s simple science.

4) Everyone’s inability to not be able to not make a torch.
How are these jerks making torches? What is their source of fuel? Fuck you and your perfect torches!

5) Me and my inability to stop watching.
Why do I watch every week? Why do I allow these writers to force me to watch season after no-beard season when I am certain they have no idea how to answer all the questions raised by their own story? I hate myself.

For those of you who are smart enough to live in a place without winter, look at the fun you are missing! I took this photo out of my front windshield yesterday. Looks a little bit like trying to drive on the surface of the sun doesn’t it?

You see, when it’s really cold the sky often becomes very clear making the sun brighter than you might be used to. Add in white snow everywhere, white salt stains and wet icy roads and guess what pal, you’re fucking blind! The icing on the shitty cake is that your windshield is perpetually dusted with salt and dried slush so when the sun hits it it’s like trying to see through a white bed sheet.

GOD I LOVE WINTER! I hope it never ends!

I have already ranted about how much I hated The Curious Case of Benjamin Button but I had to share this chunk of awesomeness with you!

Standing still on a street corner is not a job so please stop giving these people a paycheck (AKA change in their buckets). It doesn’t matter if they are posing as a Roman statue or a silver robot, fight the urge to gawk with your tongue out at these lifeless turds. Are we really so easily amused that watching a person stand is entertainment? Entertainment that deserves payment?!?

These people are the worst human beings on the planet. I would rather have 8 more years of George Bush than see another asshole painted white just standing there seeking praise as if they actually hand-chiseled a statue. Hey out of work actor, you didn’t do shit so stop pointing to your bucket with your robot finger.

I take it back, there is one group of humans worse than these buttholes and they are the tourists who stand there staring and grinning like a dog about to go for a ride in the car. They practically orgasm when the frozen robot man decides to finally move his arm in a roboty way. They take photos and investigate closely because “dang it Brenda, don’t he look real?”

I wish I was a pigeon so I could add one more layer of realism to their little statue game.