You just made my list!

First of all, I am a big fan of mixed martial arts (MMA) and the UFC so this is not some veiled complaint about fighting. This is merely my plea to all clothing designers to PLEASE stop putting skulls, wings and crap all over every square inch of every shirt!

As a fan of MMA I have been to a few UFC fights and many bars for pay-per-view events and let me tell you, every guy in the joint is covered in wings and skulls. Skulls and scrolls. Scrolls and Wings. If you were the date of one of these metrosexual tough guys and went to the bathroom I would imagine you might have a hard time picking out your orange boyfriend in the crowd upon returning. It’s like a douchebag version of Where’s Waldo. “Where’s Dildo!” I just thought of that. I am awesome!

I might not care if this style of clothing was confined to the cage, but skulls and wings are taking over the world! The other day I was trying to find a few simple, casual button down shirts and EVERY single shirt I picked up looked like it had accidentally been sucked through a printing press. I ended up buying a rug for the kitchen instead. A RUG! How the fuck am I going to wear a rug?

I am right about EVERYTHING!

I was trying to find a way to make this funny but when I think back to the last 8 years I find very little to laugh about in the world of American politics. Well, maybe Sarah Palin, man was she hilarious! So I will simply say to George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and all their toadies…

FUCK OFF! I hope we never see your faces again.

Here’s my challenge, my Pepsi challenge if you will… give me way less money, say $500,000, and I will design a new logo for Pepsi that kicks the sissy ass of this piece of shit. In fact, Pepsi could simply pay me $250,000 and I will save them about 40 million in rebranding by telling them to stick with their old/better logo. After I cash the check for $250K I would tell them their cola tastes like ass! Ass and sugar. It will be such an awesome burn because what are they gonna do, I already cashed the check (and waited for it to clear).

I will never understand why a company feels the urge to constantly spend millions and millions to simply tweak their logo in a misguided attempt to make it “hip” and “edgy.” It is extremely rare that this rebranding will end up superior to the existing identity. The only successful rebranding that comes to mind is FedEx.

These Pepsi jerks should learn a lesson from Coca-cola and 1) stay consistent and burn that logo into our minds for 100 years so we see it in our sleep and 2) make their drink taste more awesome and less like liquid balls. I realize this implies I know what balls taste like, well I do, they taste like Pepsi.

I would like to preempt any desire you might have to tell me to “burn my TV.” It’s not going to happen so I don’t want to hear it. I don’t need to be told to turn off the TV and pick up a book so fight that urge you fucking hippies.

Now that we have that unpleasant talk out of the way I can explain why I even know who this guy is. You see, I used to be like you and would ignore programs like TMZ. That was until they placed it between my 5:00 Simpsons and my 6:00 Simpsons. I have a little TV on my desk but I don’t turn it on until 4:00 for People’s Court. Have I ever told you how much I love People’s Court? The mere mention of People’s Court makes me kiss my fingers while making the “muah” sound like a cartoon Italian chef on a pizza box.

Anyway, thanks to the programming change I started listening to TMZ while working. I would occasionally glance over but only to make myself feel superior to the idiots who actually watch this crap. A few disapproving glances turned into watching an entire “story” about Pauly Shore waiting for his car at the valet stand. Next thing you know I’m watching a hard hitting piece on Tori Spelling and that husband of hers waiting for their car at the valet stand. Before I knew it I was watching a full 22 minutes of C and D list celebrities waiting for their cars at valet stands. AND LOVING IT!

The more boring or mundane the activities these “celebs” were engaged in the more I wanted to watch. Look, there’s Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo drinking coffee. OH LOOK, it’s Seal walking through a parking lot not saying a word. What’s that you say, you have a 2 second clip of that guy from Scrubs going through airport security?!? Be still my beating heart!

If you have not seen the show (loser), the format is a bunch of TMZ gossip hounds sitting at their morning meeting pitching ideas to head TMZ guy and sippy cup lover Harvey Levin (FROM PEOPLE’S COURT). They hold up a piece of paper with a photo on it and say “I’ve got Hulk Hogan eating a sandwich at the mall and he looks really fat” followed by a clip of Hulk Hogan eating a sandwich at the mall while looking fat. THAT’S THE ENTIRE SHOW and I fucking love it!

To get to my point, one of the main TMZ gossip guys who appears on the show every day is this surfer dude with long blond hair. He’s kind of the star of the “morning meeting” and usually gets the most screen time. Apparently he even has a name, Max Hodges. The weird thing is Max, who reports on celebrities, is starting to think he IS a celebrity. I guess he kind of is in a weird way. The point is, he’s starting to act like a douchebag and he’s wrecking my little TMZ utopia.

I just realized how long this post is and how few of you care. Burn your books and watch more TV!

These guys follow every move Max Hodges makes.

Can’t I just buy these Funyuns in peace? I’m already freaked out by being left alone in line, do I really need to have Rachel Ray scream a panini recipe in my face while I wait to check out? Can’t I just fill up my tank without having clips of “Two and a Half Men” forced upon me? Can’t I ride in uncomfortable silence in this elevator rather than listen to the latest gossip about Sarah Jessica Parker’s troubled marriage?

Now, if they were to play People’s Court on these ever-present TVs I would be overjoyed! Yes, put a TV playing People’s Court on every surface I see. I want to see Judge Marilyn Milian’s face smiling back at me when I’m peeing in a public restroom. I want to see the tough but lovable bailiff Douglas McIntosh on my ceiling when I hop into bed at the end of a long day. When my eyes are closed I want to hear the deep, sexy voice of Curt Chaplin delivering difficult but fair questions in the halls of People’s Court. Oh, and how could I leave out that beautiful son of a bitch Harvey Levin? I want that motherfucker permanently implanted onto the back of my eyelids. I want People’s Court on one eyelid and TMZ on the other!

Wait, what was I talking about?

Have you ever seen someone and in less than a second you just know they are a tool? It’s a subtle observation because they basically look normal but maybe it’s something about their hair or their choice of tie that clues you into the fact that they suck. You just don’t like the cut of their jib!

Well this happened to me while waiting in line today at Jimmy John’s. From the beginning it was destined to be an annoying event. I walked in and stood behind a guy who was obviously in line. I mean, when you stand in front of the register at the “order here” sign it means you are in line, right? Turns out not always. After I realized this guy wasn’t doing shit I asked if he was, in fact, in line. He turned and looked at me as if I had just asked if I could fuck his wife and said “noooo” like I was an idiot for asking. Strike one. Then his douchey friend emerged from the back (probably pooping and not washing his hands) and I just knew instantly that this guy was trouble. Both of these guys looked “normal” in their Dockers and sensible hair cuts but I knew some shit was about to go down. Literally.

Like most Jimmy John’s this space was small and echoey so nobody had to strain to hear these guys discussing raw sewage and poop. It wasn’t so much that this discussion of human waste grossed me out (it obviously did a little), it was really more that I don’t understand jerks like this who have zero awareness of the world that exists 3 inches past their fat faces. How do you not know to move out of the way after you order? How do you not notice the humans standing behind you who obviously think you are in line? How do you not know that the lunch crowd does not want to hear about how your family’s smelly shit is backing up into the yard?

How did I get to be the smartest person on earth?

I am fighting back the barf in my throat after searching for these photos. This is going to be a short post because 1) what can really be said about these douchebag turds that you can’t figure out just by looking at their lame asses and 2) the barf.

(old man rant warning)
These kids today think they invented all this shit but we were the first ones to walk around looking like complete assholes in the 80’s. Let it die! It was a playful mistake in 1984 but now it can only be described as lame.

I’m going to go listen to the Cure and punch myself in the face.

I have a real love/hate relationship with NPR. Yesterday while listening to the program “Re:sound” on my shower radio (soak it in ladies) it was all hate! It started off innocently enough with various music related subjects but the last segment sent me into a rage spiral. A sexy, sexy, naked rage spiral!

The host of the program, Gwen Macsai, said something like “blah blah bah, and finally here’s a chorus of teapots.” I was optimistic and thought someone had found a way to play a tune with multiple whistling tea kettles. Nope. It was literally four tuneless, screaming, hissing teapots drilling their way through my ears. Now, if that wasn’t bad enough, Gwen gets back on the mic and says something like “that was ‘Four Teapots’ produced by blah blah blah AND blah blah blah.” Do you understand what I am saying here? It took two people to record and “produce” the whistling teapots! TWO PEOPLE! It took two people in ironic nerd glasses and sensible thrift store shoes to record some noisy teapots. Fuck off!

If you don’t believe me (I wouldn’t) take a look at the bottom of this page.

NPR has some great shows and thankfully they exist as an alternative to the sea of mindless drivel that fills most of the airwaves but they just can’t help themselves from doing stupid shit. No wonder so many people hate liberals. Being told a bunch of howling teapots is art is enough to make me vote Palin/Limbaugh in 2012.