You just made my list!

I simply refuse to believe there are more than 14 people watching all of these “dancing with some asshole” shows. There are at least 5 dancing shows on TV right now, probably more but I REFUSE to research it. How is it possible a single person wants to watch dancing? HOW (followed by violent punching of my keyboard)?

I could understand dancing shows being popular in the mid seventies when all those awesomely shitty variety shows ruled the airwaves but in the year 2009? I just don’t get it. How is it possible, when all of society is walking around like they are straight out of Compton, a show about d-list celebrities flitting around in glittery jumpsuits is a #1 show?

Our country acts so fucking macho all the time but these shows have such high ratings that there has to be more than a handful of good old boys secretly watching with a beer in hand and a jar of nacho cheese resting on their fat bellies. Does this cheese fly across the trailer when they stand up in a rage because Rocco DiSpirito gets voted off when Susan Lucci clearly deserves to be sent packing? Does a single tear fall to his Dale Earnhardt sleeveless t-shirt when Ian Ziering nails a flawless Viennese Waltz?

I relate to nothing.

Seriously, look how dark this stupid green highlighter is! What kind of a cocky son of a bitch do you have to be to think you are more important than the words you are meant to highlight? What the fuck highlighter, who do you think you are?

Yeah that’s right, I have a terrible hangover so this post is going to suck balls. When I get a hangover it renders me useless for the entire next day. I literally spent the day sick on the couch (not including when I was sleeping on the bathroom floor).

Rather than try to be creative I will simply tell you about the last time I got absolutely blind drunk. I attended a wedding for a couple I did not know well so I sought companionship from several gin and tonics at the open bar. The wedding reception was followed with a stop or two at some local bars. Sometime around 4am I woke up and punched myself in the face. I guess I’m an angry drunk. During this self-induced face punch my thumb went up my nose causing blood to pour all over the place. Still drunk I stumbled to the bathroom to attend to my nose and to possibly barf. I should mention by this point I was literally soaked from cold sweats. So there I was with my face resting on the toilet seat which was now covered in sweat and blood. The room was spinning and I desperately wanted to throw up but just could not make it happen. For some reason I decided I needed to poop so I stood up on my shaky legs. The next thing I remember was a loud crash that sounded exactly like my head hitting the floor. Turns out it was my head hitting the floor. The crash woke me up so I stood again, pulled down my sweaty, bloody underwear and sat on the toilet. In the meantime my wife woke to a blood soaked bed and a missing husband. She walked to the bathroom and was trying to open the door but I held it closed. What happened next still confuses me. I sat there on the toilet whimpering and speaking pure gibberish. I mean I was sitting there really balling bawling like a crazy person.  I never pooped or barfed.

I did not drink for a long time after that.

Today while waiting in line at a local eatery I felt a creepy presence behind me and I knew, without even turning around, my personal space had been entered. He entered my little personal universe and ruined it! By the way, I love the word eatery, I like that it turns a verb into a noun. I’m going to start referring to all places like that from now on – i.e. the bathroom will now be known as “the poopery.”

Sorry. The worst part about this space invader is that at the time I was checking my email on my phone and this turd was literally only a foot behind me and possibly looking over my shoulder. I stepped forward but he followed as if we were attached by an invisible creepy rope. I closed my email, opened up the little iPhone notepad and wrote “people who violate my personal space.” I hope he read it.

I can’t think of a way to make this funny so deal with it. Maybe by the end I can pull some brilliance from my beautiful butt.

I have a Sirius radio in my car but it’s the kind that docks into my existing radio. It’s starting to die and act like an asshole. It likes to change the channel at random times as if to say, “hey loser this song sucks, check out this Limp Bizkit song over on channel 24.” I don’t want Limp Bizkit thrust upon me so I was thinking it was time for a new radio. No big deal right? I mean it’s 4 years old, I got my money’s worth.

WRONG! I hate that I currently have a drawer full of “out-of-date” cell phones and a once state-of-the-art iMac that I literally can’t give away because it’s 6 years old. I understand why nobody wants my old computer but it’s crazy how disposable this stuff is. Do TV repairmen even exist anymore?

I hate that we find it acceptable if a CD player works for only 3 years before breaking. We don’t think twice about chucking it in the garbage and heading over to Best Buy to get a replacement. My stereo (do people even have stereos anymore?) is made up of components from the 70’s except for my CD player which I purchased in 1989. Not only do they all work perfectly, they sound amazing.

Our disposable culture kind of freaks me out. Maybe it’s because I’m old and still own a stereo. Told you this wouldn’t be funny.