You just made my list!

Sheesh. Do I even need to explain why these people should be punished? I can understand if you have to keep your cell phone in a belt holster because the nature of your job makes it a necessity but… wait, no I can’t understand it ever. You should quit your job, nothing is worth this.

While you are at it, please shave that neatly-trimmed “Blue Collar Comedy” goatee too. How do I know you have this goatee? Because you wear your cell phone on your belt.

I thought it could not get any worse than a belt holster but I happened upon this and it shook me to my very core. Get a purse already!

I always thought Indiana had the worst state slogan with their lame “Crossroads of America,” which basically means “Nothing to See Here, Keep Driving.” Well Indiana, you should thank Wisconsin for announcing today that their new official slogan is “Live Like You Mean It!”

I just about fell off my chair* when I heard this hilarious news. Have you ever been to Wisconsin? Has the Wisconsin Board of Tourism ever been to Wisconsin?!? Wisconsin is not a bad place, in fact I like a lot of things about Wisconsin, but it’s hardly a seize-the-day kind of place. Maybe seize-the-nachos and beer. Carpe diem? Nope.

Now if you are from Wisconsin and think I am unfairly categorizing Wisconsinites as “fat” please do not waste your breath. I have lived in the Midwest my entire life so I know firsthand what a bunch of fat fucks we (not me) are. We like our meat, we like our cheese and we like our beer. Then we like some more meat, some more cheese and 6 more beers. If you give us a salad it fucking better be covered in cheese and bacon or someone is getting hurt.

Back to the topic… how exactly are people from Wisconsin meant to live? What if they don’t “mean it,” should they give up hope and sit around getting fat and drunk? Hey, that sounds a lot like Wisconsin! Perhaps a better slogan would be something like “Mean to Live but Have Another Beer Instead.”

*gold-plated throne

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day please reminisce about how much I hate Irish Dancing!

I could just as easily put “men who wear gold chains” on my list but when they are worn over a sweater or turtleneck it really pushes the douchebag envelope.

When you wear a gold chain on the outside of your sweater it says to the world “I’m creepy, I sweat too much, I wear Axe, I prefer Van Halen with Sammy Hagar, I think Jim Belushi is hilarious, I still listen to cassette tapes and I lack the ability to understand why all this is wrong.”

It is also a scientific fact that if one wears a gold chain over one’s sweater, the sweater in question will be ugly enough to induce vomiting and will be worn without a collared shirt underneath.

I feel sick.

If you are a mom or dad with a baby please don’t waste your time telling me that you put sunglasses on your child to protect their little eyes. I realize this and don’t disagree but I don’t have to be logical, I just have to hate something to put it on my fucking awesome list!

I HATE the way babies look in sunglasses. It creeps me the hell out! I’m not trying to be funny, I can’t look at a child when they are wearing sunglasses. A pair of sunglasses on a baby instantly transforms them from cute and innocent to a fat party guy from some late 80’s R-rated teen movie. You know the character, he’s usually named “Moose” or “Pudding” and is always wearing a Hawaiian shirt and not getting laid. The movie ends with “Moose” falling into a pool fully-clothed. He pops his head out of the water while still eating a slice of pizza and the rest of the teens all say in unison “oh Mooooooose.” Roll credits.

In summation, don’t put sunglasses on babies.

There is nothing more tragic than white people who think they are somehow tapping into some great mystic force because they purchased a plastic dreamcatcher when they stopped at the Kum & Go for some lottery tickets and a Slim Jim. I hate to tell you this Linda, but the fact that you think you are 1/32 Cherokee and you collect wolf figurines makes you about as spiritual as a stripper. How’s that dreamcatcher working out for you by the way? If your dream was to dress exclusively in sweatpants and oversized Looney Tunes T-shirts then I guess it’s working. Did you pray to the wolf spirit for an alcoholic husband who loves Nickelback and works at Pizza Hut? Is the wind God helping you lose that last 165 lbs. you just can’t seem to lose on your own? Stop embarrassing yourself Linda!

I tried to resist talking about these two but they are making it impossible! Chris Brown is obviously a huge, steaming pile of donkey turd. Who the fuck is he anyway? Is he a rapper? I can’t tell anymore, everyone looks like a rapper. Do I even need to go into detail about Chris Brown’s epic level of douchebaggery? Let’s move on.

What’s even more insane is that Rihanna is prancing around with this asshole acting like nothing happened. They’re living it up in Miami on jet skiis, partying with Puff Diddy and even working on a song together. Does she remember when he was beating the shit out of her and trying to THROW HER OUT OF A MOVING CAR? If I forget to take the recycling out I hear about it for a week.*

I honestly don’t know who I’m more disgusted with in this scenario. They are both such great role models. I’m burning my Chris Brown and Rihanna CDs! Do they still make CDs?

*this is an exaggeration in an attempt to make this post more awesome and hilarious. I actually only hear about it for a couple hours.

I know you have all heard that annoying clicking noise your cell phone makes when it’s near speakers and about to do something. Maybe a call is about to come in or you’re getting a text but either way it makes your speakers go crazy. It’s an annoying sound but the thing that really bugs me is that now I’m trained to reach for the phone when the clicking starts. It’s like a pre-ringtone. Nothing is more pathetic than reaching for your clicking phone thinking you are getting a call only to be disappointed with no ring. Sometimes the jerk just clicks for no reason!

This is the dumbest post ever. Any of you who were planning on telling me I suck don’t need to, I have taken care of it for you. How the fuck am I supposed to make this subject interesting? Maybe I should have included some nudity. You know why I suck lately? It’s because I have not had any beer in the house for weeks. I’m always better after a beer or 5.

Whatever, start your own blog!

Here’s how to fix a noisy cell phone by the way…