Has it really come to this? Motion detector air fresheners? Can I just put ALL air fresheners on my list so I can die in peace?
Imagine being so bored with life that you are willing to load two batteries and a scent cartridge into some ugly, plastic piece of shit just so your crappy house smells less like actual crap and more like artificial crap. The only problem is that all an air freshener really does is add the smell of a whore to the smell of the rotting food in your kitchen. Here’s an idea, spend more time cleaning your fucking house and maybe you wouldn’t need NASA-designed air fresheners to mask the smell of failure that hangs in your home.
Think of all the energy, chemicals and waste that go into making these dumb contraptions. You want your house to smell like “fresh linens?” WASH YOUR SHEETS you turd.
As much as I hate Glade Sense and Spray, nothing will ever be more idiotic than Scent Stories.
Can you please explain to me how this fat face had the highest rated show on late night television?
When I say I don’t understand Jay Leno’s popularity I mean I literally can’t comprehend it in exactly the same way I will never be able to wrap my head around the creation of the universe or the musical stylings of Nickelback. I mean, I can even understand the popularity of Carrot Top! The Top glues a bicycle horn to a toilet seat, gives it a funny name and all of us in the audience shake our heads and think “how does that sum’bitch come up with this stuff?” Then we literally laugh so hard our NASCAR hats fly off our heads on to the Skoal spit covered floor. But Jay Leno? What the fucking fuck?
And while you’re at it Jay, can you stop buying every car and motorcycle on the planet? We get it, you are rich on an inconceivable level and your garage is worth more than the lives of my entire family. You win.
Speaking of Jay Leno and Kanye West… I’m sure most of you have heard the audio of Obama calling Kanye a jackass but it is so worth listening to again. Obama is the God damn man and this is hilarious.
I don’t really care much either way about football, but in honor of the Chicago Bears opening game last night, I feel it is my duty to take a virtual dump all over one of the least thoughtful renovations of a historic landmark ever.
Solider Field was officially opened in 1924 and has been home to many historic events. In 2002 the city of Chicago and some other douchebags decided it was time to renovate the stadium but because the stadium was listed on the National Register of Historic Places, they could not monkey around with the existing structure too much. The solution? Drop a fucking ugly piece of shit INSIDE and ON TOP OF the existing Soldier Field. This has got to be the laziest, most thoughtless work of architecture that has ever made it from blueprints to construction. How the fuck did the city let this happen?
Guess what the first thing to happen was after these “improvements” were completed? It was swiftly and wisely removed from the National Register of Historic Places.
The dick heads responsible for this brilliant design, Benjamin T. Wood and Carlos E. Zapata, should be in architecture jail right next to Frank Gehry.
Sorry, this one was not very fun or funny, I’m too lazy to be creative. Blogging sucks.
“Hey everyone, look at me, my bike is different and I love NPR.”
Oh brother. I just rolled my eyes so hard that I lost my balance and fell off my chair. Speaking of chairs and balance, I sure do hate recumbent bikes. What’s it going to be? Are you going for a bike ride or are you relaxing in your favorite chair? Take your pick, because you look like a douche-sack when you do both simultaneously.
We get it, you love world music, you aren’t afraid to eat Ethiopian food, you mow your yard with one of those old timey push mowers and nothing gives you a bigger boner than listening to Garrison Keillor on your iPod while riding around on your wacky bike.
I use the Johnny Cash formula to decide if something is cool or not. Anyone can use this proven method, it’s easy. For example, would Johnny Cash have ridden a motorcycle? Yes, ergo motorcycles are cool. Would Johnny Cash wash a handful of pills down with a beer? Yes, therefore abusing prescription medicine and alcohol is cool. Now, would Johnny Cash cruise around Connecticut on some asswipe recumbent bike? Fuck no!
I am in such a rage spiral right now I can’t even think of a way to make this funny. After watching these two clips of the Tyra Banks audience literally shitting their XXL panties and giving themselves spontaneous miscarriages over the fact that Tyra is showing them her “real” hair, I am now going to pray to God to take me while I sleep tonight. Please God, kill me. No, don’t just kill me, make me explode or burst into flames! In your name I pray.
There is no way I am the same species as these cackling twats. These fuckers make the Oprah audience look like Buddhist monks! How did this happen? How did we become so stupid? Were people always this vapid and I’m just noticing now because of the internet?
If I ever catch my child participating in anything that remotely resembles parkour or “free running” I am going straight to the nearest antique tool dealer, buying the largest, rustiest pre-civil war saw they own, driving back home and cutting his feet off. I’m serious, if I so much as see that kid walking on a curb or staring at a wall longingly, he can kiss those tootsies goodbye. Sure, he will complain about how “mean” I am blah blah blah, but what kid doesn’t bitch and moan about their parents? He will thank me later when he’s watching all those douchebags jumping around and falling on their faces, safely from the comfort of his wheelchair. He will look down at his gnarled stumps and think “Thank the good Lord above that I’m not wasting my time on this shit.” He will roll off into the setting sun to the sound of zitty teen faces slamming against the pavement and whisper “Thank you dad.”
Thanks to Jonathan for tipping me off to this Parkour scene from The Office!
If you are anything like me, these parkour accidents will give you a boner.
