You just made my list!

How to “churn the butter”

Step one – Be white.

Step two – Drink two beers (preferably light beer).

Step three – Place upper teeth over bottom lip.

Step four – Think it’s 1989.

Step five – Extend arms from body and move them in circles (preferably not in rhythm to the shitty music playing at your lame office party).

Step six – Look around office party proudly, for you are now the funniest guy in Mergers and Acquisitions.

Step seven – Poop out what little dignity you have left and give up on life*

*If you are male, now is a good time to get adjusted to the new vagina in your Dockers.

These kids think churning butter is funny. These kids are wrong.

If you were like me, you’d be more awesome. You would also have no idea who the fuck this creepy little twerp is. That is until now, the moment when I proudly ruin your life.

I can’t stomach children who act like adults and I especially can’t stand kids who act like the kind of adults you would like to hit in the balls with a shovel. More often than not, “performer” kids end up fulfilling this role. While most kids are setting crap on fire and punching each other in a kickass Kung-Fu fashion, these horrifying turds are jazz-handsing their way to a life of Bedazzled vests and cats named “Lady Precious.” I’m not talking about the normal brand of show choir nerd, I’m talking about weirdos like this Anthony Gargiula who try to eye-fuck you while singing “Sexual Healing” at Six Flags. I just want to eat this fried dough in peace, so please stop making love to my ears and go check your Underoos for poopies.

Good luck making it through these clips without digging your eyes out and jamming them into your ears.

Thank God you protected your 1997 Dodge Neon from possible dings by parking in five spots. I wish your parents aborted you.

These assholes should be sterilized. The sterilization process should consist of their shitty car being shoved up their penis until it explodes. I honestly want these people to die. Seriously, I want all people who park in two spaces in some pathetic attempt to protect their shitty car to die. Actual death. DIE!

I just realized there  is not much more to say about this subject and now I’m panicking because everyone is going to be like, “Listy, you suck. You’re off your game.” So let me say this, fuck off. Sometimes I just need to complain and not be funny. Also, I’m in a very good mood thanks to many beers and it’s hard to complain when you are feeling jolly. So don’t bother telling me I suck, I already know.

So, to sum it up, people who park in two parking spots should be murdered.

Also, this is the greatest thing I have ever seen. If you disagree, please stop visiting my website.

I know, I suck!

Two days in a row without any real content. I chose drinking with friends over writing tonight. Sometimes it has to be done. So you can all talk about how I suck now.

Fuck everything,
Listy

I ran out of time to write today. So let’s just say that Kat Von D is an amazing tattoo artist, but she’s fucking ANNOYING! Enough with the perpetual duck lips, you look like a 15-year-old Myspace whore trying to look like an 18-year-old Myspace whore. And who is even using Myspace anymore?

That’s all I got, I suck. Feel free to show me up in the comments.

Fart.

Yeah, that creepy poster of a baby dressed as corn is really going to brighten up your beer-soaked, double-wide trailer. IT’S SOOOOO CUTE!

I think I hate Anne Geddes because I’m jealous of her. I mean could there be anything easier than plopping some stupid babies into a giant salad and snapping a few photos? Put a baby in a bunny suit and get ready to start counting your money. BITCH!

The only people worse than Anne Geddes are the tasteless dolts who eat this shit up. I honestly can’t comprehend looking at one of these posters and thinking “Oh yeah, I love that. I love it when babies dress in cactus outfits. I NEED that!” I like children, but this shit makes me want to do a Geddes-style poster of a baby dressed as a golf ball that’s about to get whacked by a giant golf club.

And can we all just PLEASE agree to stop taking black and white photos of tiny babies being held by hairy shirtless men? OK, we get it, life is precious and fragile and babies look small in big hands and look how strong those hands look and we have to protect babies and the circle of life and kumbaya and peace on Earth and that scene in Ghost where Patrick Swayze fucks Demi Moore on a pottery wheel and Sarah Palin, and Jesus and Blue Collar Comedy and Walmart… Lord, take me now!

No problem, paint your horrible face while you drive. As long as you got an additional two minutes of sleep this morning, it’s worth running over a few kids on your way to your sad, grey cubicle.

And don’t worry about me, I’ll just go ahead and drive through this Dunkin’ Donuts so that you may drive in every lane. I was in the mood for a “Today’s Special” anyway. Hey that reminds me…

Why the fuck has the Dunkin’ Donuts “Today’s Special” been the same God damn doughnut for all of my adult life? Don’t get me wrong, a glazed doughnut covered in chocolate frosting and half covered in sprinkles from Dunkin’ Donuts is awesome, but I think they are confused about the word special. Unless they are trying to say this doughnut is retarded, they need to mix it up a bit. And what’s up with the half sprinkles? If I wanted an abstract work of art I would… well, I wouldn’t want a piece of abstract art so I don’t need your creative sprinkle configuration either. Knock off this under-achiever attitude towards sprinkles and throw some other doughnuts into the mix. That would truly be special.

All I do on this website is bitch and bitch and bitch (for good reason) but sometimes you witness something so beautiful it stops you dead in your tracks and for one brief moment all is right in the world. Perhaps you see a baby bunny hopping across a field. Maybe it’s the innocent smile of a child. Sometimes it’s the tiniest things that make you feel the warmth of the universe around you, like one fly banging the crap out of another fly.

Not only was I lucky enough to witness this act of love, I was lucky enough to snap a photo on my phone before the little guy finished up and started making excuses about a big meeting he had in the morning. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about? MEN!

The point is, there is nothing more magnificent than watching a fly do it doggie style. I’ve seen the Grand Canyon and it is nothing more than a crack in the sidewalk compared to the love-making I witnessed today. This fly took his time and knew what the hell he was doing too. You men out there could learn a thing or two from this little shit-eater. He was stroking her hair, kissing her wings and smacking her ass with that teenie tiny little hand of his. It was… I’m speechless.

God bless us all.