You just made my list!

I have already written about what a hunk of ass shit the new Pepsi logo is but I feel it’s time to talk about the turd water contained within those ugly new cans. By the way, in the previous sentence I did not intend to write “ass shit” but I think it has a snappy ring to it, so it stays!

The official list of delicious colas is as follows:

#1 Coca-Cola – Some people call it Coke.
#2 Royal Crown Cola – RC is almost good enough to tie for 1st.
#3 Shitty generic colas – The kind you get after T-ball.
#4 Cola used in an enema procedure and then placed back in a can.
#5 Pepsi.

To be honest, a good root beer will kick the ass of a cola any day of the week, except pizza night… pizza needs cola like Ron Jeremy needs his mustache. Don’t give me this pizza and beer bullshit either. Yes, beer is awesome and yes pizza is awesome BUT pizza needs to be washed down with a freezing Coke or an RC. It’s science but you wouldn’t understand.

If I’m presented with the classic “Is Pepsi OK” question after ordering a Coke, I simply look the server in the eye and cordially say “Nope, I’ll stick with the original plan where I drink the world’s most famous soft drink that you clearly must have in your fine eatery. Now be gone with you and go get me that delicious Coke as per my original request.”

Fuck Pepsi.

I was all set to write about something else when fate directed me to this bullshit. All of these inventions aim to do the same thing… make you look like a dick while the rest of the world is being awesome.

OrbitWheel
What do you get when you cross a skateboard with inline skates? A fucking shitty skateboard. If you ever dreamed of ripping your crotch in two the OrbitWheel is your best bet!

AquaSkipper
Maybe you would rather look like an asshole on water. Great, just climb aboard your AquaSkipper and start humping!

“Walk On Water Shoes”
Perhaps you love the water but the AquaSkipper is just a little too extreme for you. Well I would suggest stripping down to your underwear, strapping on your water shoes and going for a nice walk on the ocean.

Swerver Ultimate Carving Streetboard
A skateboard cracked in half? Sure, why not.

Magic Wheel
Let’s see… if there was just a way to combine the nerdiness of a unicycle with the outrageous fun of a wheel chair… hmmmmm… and if you could put it dangerously close to my balls that would be perfect.

Calm down nerds, I’m not talking about your glasses, I’m talking about the fact that for the first time in my life I need glasses.

I was always so proud of my perfect 20/20 vision and could often be found challenging people to read faraway signs. After they would give up and fail miserably I would arrogantly say “It says #1 Golden House of Chop Suey” and shake my finger at their weak, inferior eyes. Well, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA FUCKING HA, joke’s on me this time because I, your hero, found out today that I need glasses. Now I’m going to be just like the rest of you pathetic four-eyed nerdlingers.

The thing that really pisses me off is that my right eye is perfectly fine but my left eye is a lazy cocksucker asshole. Way to go douchebag eye!

I’m pretty sure the blinding rage I felt while watching the Lost finale last night did, in fact, blind me.

Spoiler alert… Lost can suck my dick!

I just wasted six years of my life on smoke monsters, polar bears, “freckles,” punches to the face, slave ships, numbers, button pushing, hatches, people who see dead people, plane crashes, helicopter crashes, car crashes, spinal injuries, hot Australian girls who become less hot as time goes on, a giant foot, the fucking Dharma Initiative, Walt, temples, electromagnetism, disappearing islands, Tunisia, terrorists with puppy dog eyes, endless walking through the jungle, men who never shave but don’t grow beards, an excessive use of the word “dude,” Driveshaft concerts, skeletons, mercenaries, machine guns, Koreans who learn to speak English in two weeks, sex in cages, time travel, hydrogen bombs, a good guy in white, a bad guy in black and a motherfucking golden cave? And for what? What did it all mean? NOTHING! Absolutely nothing!

Just as I always suspected, the writers of Lost had no clue what was going on and never had a plan to connect any of their mystical dots. If I tried to list all the unanswered questions, plot holes and missing characters I would be here all night. FUCK YOU LOST, YOU OWE ME 6 YEARS!

I never even enjoyed watching the show, I accidentally started watching and only stuck with it because I wanted answers. I was just curious. Well, curiosity killed the cat and threw it into a magic cave until it turned into a smoke monster, whatever the hell that means!

Fuck you Lost, fuck you.

I’m so excited I can barely find the ability to type. I’ve written about Jack Rebney before so I will skip an introduction and just say watch this…

www.winnebagoman.com

What the hell is on this sandwich you just gave me? Is that mayo? You just fucked up bro… big time! Now stand back while I kill this sandwich with my gun that shoots Miracle Whip bottles!

Guess what hipsters, the Hells Angels are here to take your precious Miracle Whip out of your tiny hands and fucking stick ’em on the back of our motorcycles while we crisscross the country committing crimes and fucking shit up! That’s right, dude on the moped, just a few months ago you would have been considered hip and eccentric enough to eat Miracle Whip but not anymore you fucking dork, the bikers have reclaimed Miracle Whip.

Oh, and another thing bitch, we don’t have time to say “Miracle Whip” so hence forth this shit is gonna be fucking called “MW” and if you have a problem with it take it up with the complaint department (pointing to my crotch).

Holy shit, there’s nothing I love more than getting jacked on Jack Daniels and MW and punching some old lady in the fucking face. One time this fucking pig pulled me over on my way to Sturgis and was like “Hey you, your plates are expired.” I was like “My plates are expired? MY PLATES ARE EXPIRED?!?” and I threw a handful of MW in his pig face and was like “Now whose plates are expired motherfucker?”

One night me and my old lady stole an El Camino, robbed a liquor store, did a shitload of coke, got MW tattoos and banged in the porta-toilet at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. Is that REAL enough for you, mayonnaise? That’s what I thought.

LET’S RIDE!

If you are like me, you have often wondered what to do if attacked by cowboy boots filled with meat!

Even though the current sword fighting fad is mostly driven by hipsters who have grown bored of their fixed gear bikes and mustaches, one can no longer leave the house unprepared. Just yesterday I was challenged to a sword fight on my way to the post office and, like a fool, I was standing there without any weapon other than my messenger bag which I was forced to throw at the swordsman like an old lady throwing her purse! I immediately came home and web surfed the world wide web for “best swords stab slice crush awesome dungeon overweight” and found this. Perfect!

Finally there’s a way I can also not care about what your baby is doing.

Let’s see if I can describe this new invention without killing myself. Twoddler may look like your average Playskool activity center but this little piece of shit is hooked up to Twitter so every time little Susie moves the plastic piece with your face on it a tweet is sent to you saying something like “Hey asshole, look what I can do… randomly touch things.”

Am I the last sane person on this planet? If this takes off I’m moving to a cabin in the woods. I don’t want to live in a world where babies keep me up to date every minute of the day. “I C poopies on da floor. LOL.” Come to think of it, how can you tell if a tweet is from a baby or an adult with the ridiculous way people write these days? I’m guessing a baby could tweet something just as intelligent as, say, Miley Cyrus.

Let’s see if you can guess which of these tweets (I fucking hate that term) are from babies and which are from adults…

“jus ate sum soup”

“spendt da day on da couch in PJs – LMAO”

“life is a jurney, U just half 2 take the furst step”

“yo, yall need to see ma new crib”

See? What’s the difference? It’s all inane, utterly useless bullshit nobody needs to know.

Nap time!