You just made my list!

Have you ever gone to a wedding and thought, “This reception is beautiful. The room is lovely, the flowers are spectacular, the china is immaculate but there is no fucking way I’m sitting on that chair without first covering it with a giant garbage bag! I don’t give a shit if the bride and groom take offense to it, I REFUSE to sit on that chair without putting a giant condom on it first.”

Well guess what psycho? You are in luck thanks to the ridiculous NewSeat!

NewSeat is a single-use chair cover for people who want to tell the world “I’m here. I’m crazy. Get used to it.” You think I’m kidding about the wedding scenario? According to NewSeat.com a wedding is just one of the perfectly normal places to use their chair cover. You can also look normal while using your NewSeat at seminars, conferences and “live stage performances.” Nothing makes you look more normal at a business seminar than refusing to let your fully clothed body touch a chair.

You may not know this but chair-related deaths are up 300% since 2005. I’m sure we all know someone who is battling an illness picked up from sitting on a chair. Just last week I participated in “Sit for a Cure” and I can only assume many of you did as well. GOD DAMN YOU CHAIRS! Sorry, I just get really emotional because in the last two years I have lost three family members to chair illnesses.

Another suggested use for the NewSeat is on an airplane. Hey great idea! I always found airplane seats to be a little too comfortable and often thought my six hour plane ride could be made better if I was sitting on an impervious sheet of plastic.

If there’s one thing I know about teenagers it’s that they LOVE to stand out and look different from their friends. They NEVER want to simply blend in and look like each other. Luckily for them NewSeat works for kids too! I can’t think of a single better way to get in with the popular crowd than to cover your chair at the movie theater with a tarp before sitting in it. When the other teens see you setting up for a hazardous material spill before watching Hot Tub Time Machine they will surely make a mental note to put YOUR name down for prom queen.

While the rest of the world cries and moans about “going green,” NewSeat has the balls to say “Fuck you environment, I’m covering every chair I sit on with a giant piece of plastic and then I’m just going to fucking leave it there when I’m done. What are you going do about it? Nothing, just like I thought.”

The next time you go to a movie theater built in 1910, bring a NewSeat!

Whatever! Like, I’m totally not sitting on that chair, it’s like gross-out city to the max. LOL. LMAO. BFF. WTF?

OK, you win God, big fucking deal. Great, you killed your arch rival, Ronnie James Dio. It’s bad enough that I got drunk on Old Style beer today at a baseball game (awesome seats, thanks Joey) but then I have to come home to this shit?

And let me tell you this, if one person says anything about this being a weak post I will literally hunt you down Rambo-style and kill you with my bare hands. As I write this I have such an incredible headache that I can barely keep my eyes open. Take me lord! Kill me and give the world Ronnie James Dio in return.

Best song ever (fuck you Beatles)

The world is ending… wait for it… NOW!

Why can’t douchebags drink beer from a normal bottle? They just aren’t happy unless they are drinking their watery piss out of a plastic bottle, a metal bottle, a wide-mouth bottle, a bottle shaped like a bowling pin,* or a bottle shaped like Mike Ditka’s cock.

If only there was a way to suck down this shitty beer slightly faster. Introducing the “Vortex” bottle from the makers of your favorite diaper juice, Miller Lite. Apparently this NASA-designed bottle creates an internal tornado of beer blah blah blah that speeds up your drinking schedule, allowing for more rounds of Golden Tee and moderately gay horseplay with your bros. Seems like maybe they are admitting their “beer” tastes like water sitting in an old tire and the best way to get though the experience of drinking it is to get it over with quick, just like when your mom used to ram a spoonful of cough syrup down your throat.

You are probably wondering if this new technology actually works. Well, you are in luck! In the following clip, four of the smartest scientists on Earth gather to test the Vortex at the world famous Horseshoe Lounge labs in Geneva Switzerland. It might be difficult to follow everything they are saying but don’t feel bad, they are processing thought at an elevated level that you and I could never comprehend. These people are as smart as computers! It happens off camera but I think I recognize the voice of Korean Physicist Kim Ung-yong declaring, “The Vortex bottle is full of shit.”

*The Budweiser bowling pin bottle is actually the greatest thing to happen to beer. Too bad it was filled with Budweiser.

You want to know what keeps me up at night? (See above)

When did this shit start? Not only are they all wearing matching pants, but they all have matching genitalia crammed into those matching Walmart jeans because no man who allows this to happen has a penis.

I guess if your goal is to make everyone think your entire family works at the same electronics store this is a good idea, otherwise knock it off. Put your foot down, Steve, and say, “Gosh dang it Brenda, I told you ten times, I’m wearing my jean jacket embossed with the Coca-Cola logo and my favorite jean shorts and I really don’t give a hoot what you and the kids wear! I’m me. I’m STEVE! Steve likes his jean jackets with corduroy sleeves and Steve likes his jorts. If you need me I will be in the basement playing with Steve’s, I mean my, trains.” (Door slams… framed “Footprints in the Sand” falls to the floor and shatters like so many of Steve’s dreams.)

Steve doesn’t need this shit, not now, not like this, Brenda.

Not much to say about this other than it grosses me out to see someone smoking while riding a bike. Actually, as a non-smoker, smoking in general is pretty repulsive to me but there’s something so wrong about a person smoking while bicycling. Your lungs must be like, “hey asshole, I’m working here.”

Not only did I see someone smoking on a bike today, I also watched some lady smoke on her way into the gym. Yeah, she was literally sucking it down seconds before walking in the gym door. Why not drink a beer and eat some bacon while punishing that sweatsuit of yours?

Wow, I sure talk about bikes a lot. It’s probably because my parents never loved me enough to get me a BMX bike. I was stuck with a YELLOW stingray. Pathetic.

Who the fuck does this asshole think he is?

When did this red piece of shit take over Sesame Street? He strolls around the neighborhood like he’s John Gotti, forcing all other puppets to live under constant fear of being whacked.

Apparently this dick has been around since the early 70s, which is strange because I grew up on Sesame Street in the early/mid 70s and I can’t recall ever seeing his lame ass on my parent’s giant TV with sliding doors so you could make it look like “furniture” when not in use. Yeah nice piece of furniture, a giant wood box in the middle of the room. What, were people supposed to come over and gush over what a lovely wood box you had? Come on people, get your head in the game! But I digress.

The point is, I watched a hell of a lot of Sesame Street in the 70s, partially because back then we had about 5 channels to choose from, but mostly because it kicked ass. Cookie Monster was still existing exclusively on a cookie diet, not this “sometime me eat vegetables” nonsense, Mr. Hooper’s Store was the hottest place on Sesame Street to spot celebrities and motherfucking Snuffleupagus was still only seen by Big Bird God damn it! You know who I don’t remember being awesome, or even around? Elmo! I’m guessing he’s Grover’s gay cousin or something but to be honest, I don’t care to know his background.

Somehow through a series of back-alley deals and intimidation Elmo has risen through the ranks to control the Sesame Street territory. I know I should probably fear for my life for speaking so openly but enough is enough, FUCK ELMO, it’s time to take him out!

I got back late from a long road trip yesterday and the result is this lame-ass cop out post. Life is cruel sometimes.

But anyway, did you see the much-hyped Betty White episode of Saturday Night Live this weekend? It had to be the most solidly entertaining episode in the history of the show. Betty White was awesome and it was nice to see all the all-star women from past seasons all back together again. That’s all I wanted to say, tell me how much I suck now.

How is this real?

Writing about getting your fat ass massaged at the mall reminded me of another utterly useless form of relaxation. I am of course speaking of reading a good book on the beach. Oh, and also oxygen bars!

If the sky was made of free beer would you still bother going to a bar to BUY beer? (And with that sentence, I complete my journey to becoming the world’s bestest thinker. Me smart!)

Do you realize these idiots are paying over a dollar a minute to breathe flavored air? Suck that concept up your nose holes and try to understand it. Oh, but it must be special oxygen because look at all those colorful beakers of bubbling potions! If it looks like science from the classic 60s Batman TV show it must be good!

The meaningless fun does not end there. If you are feeling a little frisky you can have one of the bartenders(?) mash a piece of hard plastic into your spine or dig out your brain with a German mind-scraper used in the late 17th century to extract homosexual fantasies and other demonic thoughts from your skull.

I quit.