You just made my list!

Want to go for a walk? Who wants to go for a walk? Who’s a good boy? Go get your leash. Go get your leash! Get your leash boy, it’s time for school.

The kind of parents who walk their kids around like dogs will tell you they do it to keep their children safe but the truth is that they are lazy. They are not prepared for the responsibility of keeping a watchful eye on their child so they opt for walking them around like Marmaduke. Why bother with diapers, just open up the patio door and send Timmy out to make in the back yard.

I miss the old kind of lazy parenting, the kind where mommy would tell you to go ride your bike for 10 hours so she could sunbathe in the back yard with a cigarette and a gin & tonic. The kind that encouraged a steady diet of bologna and soda and never had the time for a car seat. I miss my childhood.

The new wave of lazy parents are no fun.

And the Mother of the Year award goes to…

Whoops. I accidentally went to see Mexican midgets wrestle last night. The sad result of this “situation” is no brilliant post today.

I am sort of sorry.

I’ve avoided talking about this bore for as long as possible but I just can’t take it anymore.

Can we please agree to stop pretending this empty bag is “interesting” and “provocative?” And for the love of GOD, what will it take to stop saying every new female “artist” is the “next Madonna?” I’m sorry but Madonna was tolerable at best so being the next Madonna is like being the next Bud Light.

Yeah, you heard me, Madonna really wasn’t that great. Compared to Lady Gaga, however, Madonna was fucking Johann Sebastian Bach. Compared to Madonna, Lady Gaga is simply Sebastian Bach.*

You can’t polish a turd but apparently if you put that same turd in a costume made out of tampons it’s suddenly pushing artistic boundaries. Here’s an idea, work on the music first and once that’s perfected dress up like cereal boxes all day long. Actually no, forget that, I’m officially declaring no more costumes for anyone. It’s been done and it’s been done better… David Bowie, Kiss, Devo, David Byrne, The Village People, GWAR, The Ramones, Elton John, The Residents, Marilyn Manson, etc.

So there you have it, I have spoken, it is written and I’m sure within a matter of days Lady Gaga’s career will be over. (please don’t wake me from this dream)

*Was that a good joke, I honestly can’t tell anymore.

Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me to not run you over while you cross the street. I was seconds away from slamming my foot down on the gas pedal and running your cranky ass over when, out of nowhere, BAM you put that hand in my face, commanding me to think twice about the murder I was about to commit. I especially appreciated that you also gave me the stink-eye the entire time you walked from curb to curb as if to say, “I know you wanted to run me over but I forbid it. FORBID IT!”

People are the worst.

Did you realize you have been wasting your time with toilet paper for over 100 years you big fucking moron? Finally some genius came to his senses and realized there is a much better way to clean our shitty buttholes!

It’s so simple… just keep your poo stick near the toilet. After you explode a load of crap into the bowl, simply take a wad of toilet paper and insert it into your poo stick, reach behind your back, locate your shit-covered bunghole, jam the stick up there and pull it back up behind you with extra care so as not to smear shit all over your back and hair. Almost done… next just carefully stand up and turn around without letting your poopie ass touch anything and eject the soiled paper into the bowl. Just a few more steps… sit back down, grab another handful of toilet paper and DELICATELY insert it into your poo stick because it will now be covered in feces. Reach back behind you without letting your shit-covered poo stick touch ANYTHING on the way down and jam it back up into that brown mess. Stand, eject and repeat as needed. Once your barking spider is finally clean you are going to want to flush the toilet and clean off any feces that you may have accidentally smeared on your back, legs, hands, hair, clothes, towels and/or walls. All you have to do next is wash your crap-encrusted poo stick in the bath tub and put it back near the toilet. Simply clean your bath tub with bleach and that’s it. SIMPLE! As promised, your dignity is intact.

It really is the modern solution. I mean using toilet paper these days is about as smart as still using AOL for your email!

The Comfort Wipe poo stick is for anyone who poops… uptight blonde MILFs, uncles with bad shoulders, old ladies with mysterious accents and even big guys. That’s right, I said big guys! There are many disadvantages to being a big guy but one of the countless advantages is that you have the opportunity to be so fat that you need to wipe your big wet butthole with a stick. Lucky!

You know Comfort Wipe is going to work, I mean look at that perfectly clean white butthole right in their logo!

Veronica Robinson can try and wrap this madness up in her cute little Harry Potter accent, but this insanity is straight up Deliverance banjo-picking-butt-fucking territory!

Mrs. Robinson (hmmmm, interesting) believes her children should decide on their own at what age to stop sucking milk out of her body. Really? I guess that’s because children make such good decisions on their own. Most of my brilliant decisions around the age of 8 involved setting things on fire or falling off things. If you want to put it in food terms, my 8-year-old brain would happily tell my 8-year-old mouth to eat an entire box of Cap’n Crunch until my gums were bleeding.

This nut actually says, with a straight face, that her children can’t breastfeed forever because eventually they have to go to college and/or get married. I have news for you, marriage is not in your daughter’s futures and judging from the pictures they like to draw of your tits the best they can hope for is a life in fetish porn.

I think her daughter sums it up best when she says she would “rather have lots of breast milk than a million melons.” I think her other daughter sums it up even better when she says, “Mmmmm…grunt…swallow.”

What the fucking fuck?

I’m going to keep this short for exactly 2 reasons.

1) I got home late after dinner and drinks at the latest trendy hipster whiskey tavern (more on that later).

2) My neighbors are going apeshit because we won the Stanley Cup and there’s a good chance our apartment will burn to the ground by morning.

3) There’s only so much to say about these assholes.

4) It’s late, I’m tired and I hate blogs.

Sooooooooo anyway. Tonight was my second trip to the latest hipster hangout in Chicago. It’s more saloon than “bar” and the amount of waxed handlebar mustaches and suspenders holding up tiny pants is staggering. Apparently now it’s cool to look 90s… 1890s. Just ask loyal reader of this amazing website, Erica, about the transportation of her coworkers.

My point is this… FUCK YOU, YOU RIDICULOUS BORING HIPSTERS.

My point is also this… I have coined a phrase for this new breed of precious turn-of-the-century hipster and all I ask is that you spread it and make it catch on. The “Urban Howdy Doody.”

Good night.

Take me now lord, I’m ready.

You know what sucked? The first Karate Kid movie! Yeah that’s right, the original Karate Kid with Ralph Macchio, Mr. Miyagi and everyone’s favorite blond bad boy Johnny Lawrence was a steaming pile of shit. You only liked it because you were 10 years old and fell asleep nightly to the fantasy of kicking the ass of that older kid who ripped your parachute pants and took your Merlin.*

If the 1984 Karate Kid was a piece of shit then consider the 2010 version with Jackie Chan and that insufferable brat Jaden Smith a piece of shit that was eaten by a dog, barfed up and re-eaten by another dog and re-shat upon a hot summer sidewalk. I can’t change the channel fast enough when I see one of the self-righteous Smith clan on my TV. In fact, the other night I could not find the remote when the Karate Kid commercial came on and I literally had to move to a new house. I fucking walked right out the door, left everything behind and started a new life.

Oh, the nightmare does not end with the movie. Watch the following Justin Bieber music video for “Never Say Never” at your own risk. It’s good to see Jaden Smith continue the long Smith legacy of horribly bland rap. Justin Bieber looks like Chuck D. compared to Smith in this clip.

*HOLY FUCK, MERLIN RULED!