You just made my list!

Finally, a way to end that nightmare known as walking.

Remember when this shit was first introduced to the world? It was supposed to “revolutionize” EVERYTHING and soon we would all be trading in our Adidas for robot feet. All they revolutionized was the ability of mall cops to become even more round… round and fast, like boulders. Thank God Segways cost approximately 50 million dollars because I don’t want to imagine what this country would look like if we found a way to be even less active.

A Segway makes a recumbent bike look like a Harley strapped to an angry mastodon that shoots Motörhead songs and kegs of beer out of its hairy butthole.

The first step to riding a Segway is to fight the urge to over-correct and over-react. The second step is to keep your hands on the handlebars even though you will feel your penis and balls shriveling up and falling off. You will want to reach down and try to save them but forget about it Dennis, they’re gone and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just enjoy the rest of your “walking” tour of St. Louis, you will have plenty of time to get used to your new vagina when the ride is over.

Hey, want to see George Bush fall off a Segway? There’s no punchline… here you go.

Douchebags.

You know what the world needs? The world needs another shitty splattery painty-paint painting of Jimi Hendrix. If only it could be painted in five minutes by a prancing nerd with a wacky “rock and roll” attitude… an attitude that says “I wore SHORTS to the U2 concert!” Oh, and can all of this please take place at the Motorola “May The Sales Force Be With You” conference in ballroom C at the Phoenix Radisson? Thank you.

Speed painting is to art what Sammy Hagar is to Van Halen. Speed painting is the Guy Fieri of  the art world! In fact, you know who I bet LOVES speed painting? I promise you Guy Fieri has a splashy speed painting of himself in that crazy rock and roll house of his.

Bob Seger + theater nerds + Jay Leno = the nightmares I will have on my deathbed.

Damn, that Credit Union Lending Direct party was OFF THE CHAIN! I guarantee he had the image outlined in pencil before he started “painting.”

Finally my love of shitty performance painting collides head-on with my love of church! Jesus Christ.

I know you have had a rough week with God going on yet another killing spree, nabbing Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman and Paul Gray (Slipknot) with his greedy cloud hands, but I am afraid I have more bad news… I am taking a week off. I’m going to be away from computer machines for most of the week so unless you want me to call you personally for an over-the-phone rant, I will not be able to share my important opinions with you. I know it will be difficult but I believe in you and know you will be able to make it one week without me.

Please do not visit any other so-called websites in my absence.

Fart.