You just made my list!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA, STAY PERFECT!

WHOOPS! All day yesterday I thought it was Friday. Guess what I don’t do on Friday? That’s right, I don’t share my hilariously important opinions on Fridays.

So everyone loses! Well, maybe we all won.

I feel that I owe you something, so here’s further proof that God hates parkour and does his best to sterilize all who participate in it.

Happy Birthday America! You are the best and never do anything wrong!

Ladies, when you go to bed at night do your huge tits slide off the side of the bed and rest on the floor like half-filled beanbag chairs? Have you tried duct tape and rope to hold those jugs in place? There’s got to be a better way! Well, no there isn’t. However, if you are too fancy to stick a can of Coke between your meat pillows, why not try the Kush breast support system.

Ladies, do you like to dress like a whore at night but don’t want to lose your day job at Verizon because your funbags are flopping all over the place? What can you do, bring a nighttime whore outfit to change into after work? What a pain! Thanks to the Cami Secret fake undershirt you can transform effortlessly from boring daytime prude into an awesome, super fun cleavage-rocking slut in seconds! Your boss and coworkers will never know that just under your Cami Secret resides a beautiful, deep canyon of flesh begging to be explored by the lucky guy you are going to hook up with from the “casual encounters” section of craigslist that night.