Well, the end of the world is officially upon us, this guy is on a hit TV show.
Not only is there one “reality” show about the incredible action that takes place at the pawn shop, there is now a second show on its way to that TV of yours that one day, if you are lucky, you will be pawning on a TV show about pawn shops. The circle of life.
The first show to break the pawn cherry was “Pawn Stars” on the History channel. Wait, did I just say the History Channel? I must have accidentally said the History Channel because clearly there is no room to squeeze such a mindless show into their full lineup of Hitler-related entertainment. I mean, come ON, it’s a show about people selling their crap to buy drugs, how can it be on the History Channel?
Can’t get enough of people hocking watches and bowling balls? You are in luck because TruTV (whatever the fuck that is) is about to shove “Hardcore Pawn” down your various head holes. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see people argue over the value of uncle Eddie’s class ring!
By the way, see what they did there? Both shows had the incredibly hilarious idea to exchange the word “porn” for “pawn.” HOLY SHIT, that is rich! Now, I’m just thinking off the top of my head here, just a little brainstorming… I’m thinking Nickelodeon needs to immediately start developing “Kiddie Pawn” if they want to ride this amazing pawn wave all the way to the bank. Don’t be the only channel without a pawn shop show, Nickelodeon!
Remember when we were kids and we would stroll down to the local penny candy shop to buy as many World Sauna Championship cards as our messy handful of nickels and dimes would allow? We would run home, with old Mrs. Walker’s crazy dog nipping at our heels the entire way, to see which of our favorite sauna athletes we got.
After gathering together in one of our various secret backyard clubhouses, the ritual would begin. First, the wrappers were carefully opened and that horrible pink gum stick was devoured as if it was $1,000 caviar. Next, we began to sort though the cards and the faces of our heroes would reveal themselves. It was glorious! Soon our secret fort would fill with the sound of excited young voices saying, “I got a Bjarne Hermansson!” or “No way, a rookie Annikki Peltonen card!” and “Timo, I got a Timo Kaukonen!” Of course some very serious wheeling and dealing took place for the next hour or so. Timmy would trade a sack of marbles for Skippy’s Ilkka Pöyhiä and Bobby would be forced to give up his pet toad AND a slingshot for his chance to own an extremely rare Katri Kämäräinen.
That night, next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.
I’m sorry but this is bullshit! First, the love of my life goes and marries that stupid Irving (I’m twice the man) and now she has the balls to call it quits and leave us in the dark with only our feeble imaginations to guide us through Cathy’s future! ARE YOU AACKING KIDDING ME?
Now you listen to me Cathy and you listen good, I don’t want to live in a world without you and your mundane problems, and I sure as HELL don’t want to lie awake at night wondering how your job at Product Testing, Inc. is going or if you were able to find a bathing suit that actually fits for once!
I was fully prepared to watch you grow old and die but you just had to fucking ruin everything. So much for the Cathy funeral I had planned. Happy?
Of course you aren’t happy, you never are. “I’m eating too much chocolate… My cat keeps me up at night… Irving’s mother is overbearing… I can’t find my keys… Aack this… Aack that!”
You know, on second thought, who needs you and your problems? I have enough to deal with, lady!
Who am I kidding? I take one look at you in that robe and I fall right back in love with you. You melt my heart faster than a box of chocolates accidentally left in the car. Goodbye sweet sweet Cathy, I will see you in my dreams (my wet dreams).
Ladies, have you ever wanted to transform your jiggling fat rolls into solid hunks of slightly less gelatinous fat? Have you ever wanted to go from a size 53-inch waist down to an incredible 52-inch waist? Do you want to go from looking like fat 1992 Rosanne Barr to the incredibly sexy 2010 Rosie O’Donnell? And most importantly, do you want to reshape your neglected body without making a single lifestyle change or watching what you shovel into your mouth cave?
Then let’s start celebrating with a sack of cake because the Kymaro Body Shaper is about to rock your fat ass!
Why waste all that time at the gym when you can simply cram yourself into a giant sock? Eat what you want and let the magic Kymaro do all the work. Hey, it’s not even your fault that you’re overweight, it’s that damn fat gene that they are always talking about on the news! God did this to you, not Pizza Hut and Mountain Dew!
Some people are just genetically fat and no amount of McNuggets or ice cream can stop them from gaining weight. For example, look at this poor woman below. You can clearly see why she needs an elaborate device to control all that disgusting fat all over her body. When I think about the unlucky guy who has to have sex with this woman… I want to be sick.
Sure, there’s going to be an awkward moment when the young stud in the Affliction shirt you lure back to your apartment sees you naked for the first time. He thought he was going home with Brooke Burke but once you squeeze out of your little space suit there, he’s staring down Delta Burke. Yes, he will start making excuses and will bolt for the door but luckily you are now big enough to fill it.
I think the infomercial host sums it up best when she says, “Keep your doughnuts.” Yes America, keep your doughnuts. Keep them in your cold dead mouth!
Where do you turn when you need a boring white guy to act opposite a dog? Tom Hanks. But what if he’s too busy and not quite bland enough… call The Belush!
What’s that you say, you need to film a scene where a dog and a salt-of-the-earth tow truck driver put on sunglasses and play the harmonica to get out of a dicey situation? BELUSHI! You need your leading man to share a slice of deep dish pizza with a slobbering dog? BELUSHI! Your dream scene is a man and a dog getting drunk together at a bowling alley? BELUSHI!
Don’t believe me? Well then I would ask you to direct your attention to Jimbo’s resume, which includes… K-9
Dog’s Best Friend
K-911
Snow Dogs
K-9: P.I.
What’s New Scooby Doo
Underdog
Snow Buddies
Oh shit, that’s right, I forgot to mention that Belushi can also PLAY a dog! You can send me the bill for cleaning your carpet and painting the walls because I know I just blew your mind all over the fucking room.
That’s right people, you will have to survive two entire days without my hilarious and important opinions because I’m going on a road trip! If you happen to be attending the World’s Longest Yardsale look for me. I will be the one scoring awesome deals with my Jedi-like haggling abilities. “You WILL give me this Singing Bass for .25¢.”
I suggest going back through my archives and reading the last two years of my correct opinions. Wait, I’ve wasted TWO YEARS doing this? I hate myself.
Boy, it really makes me mad when I’m watching the news and some reporter is talking about a murder or a fire and everything is going smoothly until, EL WHAMO, they sign off by pronouncing their name all Spanishy. They go from sounding like Sandra Bullock to rolling their Rs like Charo at the drop of a sombrero.
I’m sitting there eating a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats thinking everything is dandy and the next thing I know, my head is spinning trying to keep all these languages straight! I mean, what gives these people the right to pronounce their own names correctly? The unimaginable arrogance of some people!
This is NOT an example of what I’m talking about but… well… you know.
