I thought we were done with this ridiculous idiot. There is nothing more that needs to be said about this moronic dolt, so instead I will rank the cast of Friends from best to worst.
Joey Tribbiani
This is a no-brainer. I mean come on, it’s Joey! He’s clearly the most lovable friend. He’s an actor, a cocksman and he got his head stuck in a turkey.
Monica Geller
Sure, Monica is a neat freak and highly competitive but she’s also fun. She’s one of the guys. She’ll kick your ass at ping pong or Ms. Pac-Man and look good while doing it. She gets points taken off for banging Chandler though. That’s just gross.
Ross Geller
The spot for the third best friend is almost a tie but Ross squeaks by for his goofy antics. Who can forget the leather pants incident or the spray tan fiasco? Plus, he had a pet monkey and that’s worth a lot in my book. Points deducted for being in love with Rachel and for all his serious, dramatic moments. Blah.
Chandler Bing
Could Chandler BE anymore in fourth place? The Chandler and Joey roommate years were great. They had a pet duck and for a while their only piece of furniture was a canoe. Let’s not forget his romance with the lovely Janice, who I believe is his true soul mate. Chandler could have taken the third spot if not for all those hideous vests he wore over the years. Plus he got fat once he started dating Monica. Come on Chandler, Mon deserves better!
Phoebe Buffay
Sorry Phoebe, but as a hippie you must rank low on the list. When her mother committed suicide it must have been incredibly difficult for Phoebe and her twin sister Ursula so I feel a little guilty ranking her so low.
No biggie, I didn’t want to actually WATCH the show I was watching. In fact, I would much rather watch the cute little animation of the Whorewives of Whoreville dance around like whores, getting their whore juice all over my TV. I would also like to thank you for reminding me what program I am currently watching. Sometimes I’ll be watching “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” but until my TV tells me I’m watching “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” I think I am watching The McLaughlin Group.
I’m not talking about drummers. No, I am referring to the guy on stage directly to the drummer’s right. The guy with the perm from 1992 who’s wearing the vest and smacking the bongos with a level of excitement normally reserved for losing one’s virginity. Ironically this is not a joy most percussionists will ever know.
While drummers play an important and kick ass role in a band, it seems the sole purpose of a percussionist is to make that dreamy, twinkly sound during ballads by running a drum stick across the miniature chimes that they seem to have some legal obligation to own. Other than that what do they do? Hit cymbals at the exact same time as the drummer? You know what it sounds like when 3 cymbals are all hit at the same time? It sounds exactly like 2 cymbals hit at the same time.
These useless turds always have the same shit-eating grin on their face too because, unlike the core members of the band who had to work hard to get to the point where they can tour and afford to waste their money on a percussionist, they simply get plucked from their job at Guitar Center and placed on stage in front of the band’s fans. The thing is that these dicks always act like the cheering crowds are actually there to see them play their little setup of nonessential drums. The truth is they are there to see Sting suck.
What do you do if your child is afraid to go to the doctor for a flu shot? Obviously your only option is to allow a doctor to sneak into their room while they sleep and stab them with a needle. Sure, they will never know the joy of a good night’s sleep ever again after you make their nightmares a reality, and they will most likely attempt to bury the dark memory of waking to a strange doctor in their bedroom jabbing them with a needle by getting deep into medical fetish sex as an adult, but hey… NO FLU!
This actually exists! On Earth! For less than $100 you can betray the trust of your sleeping child in his or her own bed. You think your kid was scared of the dark before? Just wait until he wakes up to find a creepy old man hunched over him with a hypodermic needle. You will be cleaning poop out of those Elmo jammies for months.
Why stop with flu shots? Hire the Shamwow guy to sneak in at night and yell math equations in your kid’s face. Maybe little Timmy will be quarterback one day if you start chucking footballs at him while he sleeps.
Middle of the night flu shot by The Shot Fairy… $80.
Turning your child in to a serial killer at age 5… Priceless.
90% of the time when I’m driving and I see another driver make a jackass move, they are busy texting away. I drive up next to them and give them a look that says, “I disapprove of you and your ways.” 92% of the time I am stranded behind someone at a stop sign or a green light it’s because the car in front of me is texting their friend important information like “I M in car, B ther in 5. LOL.” I’m not sure why they are texting LOL at the end of that but I’m sure they are.
Get off your fucking phone and stop driving like you are playing Grand Theft Auto and purposely trying to run down prostitutes.
That is, unless you are me.
I was recently awarded the “World’s Best Driver” award from the International Federation of Driving Arts and Being Awesome. Yeah, I’m that good at driving. I’m even better at driving while writing emails, buying shit on eBay, texting, playing PacMan and looking at porn on my iPhone. I once watched an entire season of Lost on my phone while driving 115 miles per hour through the desert. I wasn’t even wearing a shirt for Christ’s sake!
You, on the other hand, drive like a cockknuckle while texting on your less-cool-than-the-iPhone phone of yours. The next time your texting gets in the way of my trip to Red Lobster, I’m going to pull up next to you and pee in your window. You have been warned.
Speaking of texting, I would like to admit to the dumbest idea I have ever had. I am ashamed of myself for this “invention” but I feel that sharing it will somehow cleanse me. Here goes…
I was driving and thought “Wouldn’t it be easier to text if I could just speak into the phone and it would use voice recognition to create a text?” Well idiot, here’s an idea, instead of speaking a text message how’s about you just fucking call the other person and SPEAK it directly to them. I hate myself for being that dumb.
How is it possible that I still see people walking around with pantyhose on their heads? Is this fashion nightmare here to stay? Is it as ingrained into popular culture as the baseball hat or Tasmanian Devil tattoos? Why am I the last awesome person left on this godforsaken planet?!?
I especially like white guys who wear do-rags. Nothing says “I got fired from Outback Steakhouse for masturbating on my lunch break in the janitor’s closet” like a white guy in a do-rag. And don’t think you Larry The Cable Guy lovin’, Keysotne Light drinkin’, Nickelback listenin’, Harley ridin’ sum bitches are gonna sneak by unnoticed. The white trash do-rags come pre-tied! How hard is it tie a panty on your head? At least ghetto dudes take the time to tie their own do-rags, but you American Chopper fans are apparently too busy searching for that Slim Jim that rolled under the couch to be bothered.
In summation, you look like an asshole with that thing on your head. Unless you are a pirate or you have cancer. Cancer patients are allowed to rag it up.
If only there was a way to make my white trash house more white trashier. Hmmmmmm, maybe 30 branches covered in pink carpet will do the trick!
Listen up, I love cats, I really do. If you have never owned a cat you are probably thinking up different ways to call me gay right now. Well joke’s on you buddy because cats rule, end of story. I also understand the desire to give your cat a few cuddly areas in the house for napping and looking cute purposes. Yeah, that’s right, I find it endlessly adorable to watch cats sleep, fuck you. But I will never understand the desire to completely strip what little dignity your shitty living room has left by shoving some giant cat jungle gym up its ass. Sure, Snickers and Doodles might like to climb it and and snooze, but they would be equally happy on your Harley-Davidson pillows or your Dora the Explorer fleece blanket that you keep on your matching La-Z-Boys.
“Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you’ve never been hurt
and live like it’s heaven on Earth.”
Fuck you like no one is watching. Go fuck yourself like no one is listening. Fuck off like you’ve never been fucked and suck my dick like it’s heaven on Earth!
I HATE shit like this so much! First of all, don’t tell me what to do. I don’t need some jackass wall “art” from Bed Bath and Beyond telling me how to live my life. Guess what asshole, you SHOULD dance like people are watching because they are and you look like a convulsing idiot. Maybe it’s best if you simply stop dancing, singing, loving and living altogether. And another thing, why is “altogether” one word? It’s like the word “nonetheless.” Stop showing off and just be separate words like everyone else!
Sorry, back to your shitty store-bought philosophy. It sucks.
Joey Tribbiani
Monica Geller
Ross Geller
Chandler Bing
Phoebe Buffay
Rachel Green
