We get it, you’re awesome, you can eat a giant cheeseburger in front of a crowd of none. You have certainly earned the right to have your Polaroid up on the wall of sadness, next to the rest of the fat underachievers. What’s wrong, mommy and daddy didn’t buy you that BMX bike you always wanted? Were you stuck riding that girlie, yellow Schwinn Stingray to school while the rest of your friends had kickass, diamond frame dirt bikes? Did you try to camouflage your gay bike to look more BMX with a new seat, pads and a racing number? Did you NEVER get that BMX bike even though your parents could have totally afforded it because your dad was an international banker and your mom worked part-time in a gourmet cooking store and you lived in a nice middle-class home in a nice community? Are you now almost 40 years old but you toy with the idea of buying a diamond frame BMX bike just so you can ride it to your dad’s condo in Miami where you will pedal in circles on the sidewalk screaming “How you like me now old man? Look at your little BMXer now Daddy!”
Sorry, no “real” post today. I met the love of my life and we have spent so much time in the bedroom I simply can’t find the time to write for the site. Her name is Icy Spicy Leoncie and she is probably the most talented singer/songwriter/performer/lover on the planet! THE WHOLE PLANET! Jealous? Yes, you are.
Leoncie and I just love to have fun.
My favorite song about getting killed while jogging in the park.
Let me explain why this ad is on my list before you get on your soapbox and call me homophobic. I’m not at all homophobic, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be happy that the only available treadmill at the gym today faced this poster. My treadmill was about 18″ away so I was forced to literally stare head-on at Terrell Owens’ chiseled body while I lazily walked along like an old guy at the mall. Hey, I burned off 34 calories during those 5 minutes I’ll have you know!
I don’t need that kind of pressure at the gym. I specifically joined Bally because it’s mostly filled with lazy fat slobs who workout for about 2 weeks before getting bored and retreating back to sucking on the fast food teat. At Bally, I almost look athletic, but not when this shit is staring me down. Is it too much to ask for posters of Dom Deluise or “Rerun” to grace the walls so I can remain delusional about the state of my own body? Why the hell is he even naked in this ad?
Plus, what if coincidentally got a boner while staring at this poster. I have yet to get a boner at the gym, but what if I popped one of those “just woke up from a nap” boners while on the treadmill facing a naked T.O.? What if I accidentally started to masturbate after I accidentally got a boner? I’m not saying it’s likely, but WHAT IF?!?
Fuck it, I’m not going back to the gym until his show is canceled.
No post today. I had to paint the garage all day and then trim about 150 acres of bushes at my country estate. Needless to say I’m exhausted. I had to fire my staff, they were stealing my secrets.
A wave of panic just came over me because I realized this post is going to SUCK!
While I sat alone in my car eating dark chocolate Hersey’s Kisses this afternoon (yeah, it’s a lonely life) I watched this lady struggle for about 4 minutes with her windshield sun visor. It would go up, wiggle around a little, then come back down. I watched this happen for about 1/2 a bag of Kisses. For the record, I go to the gym a few times a week, so I’m fucking allowed to eat a bag of chocolate by myself in a parking lot if I want. What makes your life so perfect? Huh? Huh? You want a piece of me?*
Anyhoo… this dipshit probably spent more time setting up this visor then than she spent in the drug store picking up adult diapers and a box of Shamwows. Hey, I just thought of something… Shamwow Diapers!
What is the point of this? The point is, it wasn’t even hot today!
God, this is a dumb post. I promise after a little weekend rest I will stop sucking so much.
*Said while pulling off shirt and spitting dark chocolate
Yeah, that’s right, one more night of painting the kitchen and not sharing my beautiful complaints with the world. I’ll be back tomorrow, promise.
I would like to point out that today I saw about 5 seconds of Guy Fieri’s piece of shit cooking show and in that small time he actually said “The name for this is too long, I’ll just call it MONEY.” I guarantee he jerks off to the movie “Swingers” at least once a week. God damn it, I hate that cockhole so much! (I can’t believe “cockhole” is not recognized by spell check)
So God bless America and God bless the children. Take it away Tyler Busby! (Make sure you also watch little Aaron Koehne make that Casio his bitch at the 6:30 mark)
Hey everyone, I just wanted to send out a quick inter-office email to remind you that the big “You Just Made My List” first anniversary party is today in conference room B at 4:00. Don’t be late (I’m looking at you Brad! Remember SALES IN ACTION 2008 – you will never live that down!!!!!! LOL!) Julie and Lisa have been working like crazy people (cuckoo cuckoo) to make this party ON THE CHAIN!!! If you thought the Sales on the Beach Summer Bash was fun, then hold on to your Dockers because this party will rock you!!
PARTY ACTIVITIES INCLUDE:
• Wackiest Neck Tie Contest
• Best Themed Cubicle Contest
• A Performance by Steve and Frank’s “Rubber-band Band”
• Waste Paper Basket-Ball
• NASCAR, or should I say NAS-CHAIR race (hee hee)
Debbie was nice enough to bake her famous cookies (one each please) and our very own Dan “The Man” will be DJ-ing right from his laptop? I don’t know how he figures that stuff out, zoom right over my head!!! LOL!
Running throughout the party will be an awesome (it seriously made me cry, boo hoo) Power Point slide show chronicling our first year! I’m not kidding when I say it’s as good as any documentary I have seen on Fox News, and you know I love my Fox News!!!
AND… If ALL that wasn’t enough, closing out the evening will be a super entertaining performance from… drumroll… drumroll… Counting Crows? (you wish Stacy! ROFL!!!)… drumroll… RAZZMATAZZ!!!!
So don’t be like that guy Ken who got fired last year for missing the Show Me The Money sales picnic! (he was a weirdo anyway)
