You just made my list!

Just how badly do these parents want their daughters to be strippers, sluts, bitches, bimbos and/or whores? It is scientifically proven that the most likely way to see your daughter flash her dumb tits on a Girls Gone Wild commercial is to allow her to watch Bratz or play with Bratz dolls. On a side note, I wish I could be there to witness some dad sitting alone in the family room late at night as he gets a boner watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial when all of a sudden, WHAM, his daughter appears on the screen! That has got to be one of the greatest moments in the history of mankind. I mean not for him but for the rest of us.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, if you let your daughter watch Bratz you are a bad parent and your kid is going to be a trashy whore. That is all.

I always thought Indiana had the worst state slogan with their lame “Crossroads of America,” which basically means “Nothing to See Here, Keep Driving.” Well Indiana, you should thank Wisconsin for announcing today that their new official slogan is “Live Like You Mean It!”

I just about fell off my chair* when I heard this hilarious news. Have you ever been to Wisconsin? Has the Wisconsin Board of Tourism ever been to Wisconsin?!? Wisconsin is not a bad place, in fact I like a lot of things about Wisconsin, but it’s hardly a seize-the-day kind of place. Maybe seize-the-nachos and beer. Carpe diem? Nope.

Now if you are from Wisconsin and think I am unfairly categorizing Wisconsinites as “fat” please do not waste your breath. I have lived in the Midwest my entire life so I know firsthand what a bunch of fat fucks we (not me) are. We like our meat, we like our cheese and we like our beer. Then we like some more meat, some more cheese and 6 more beers. If you give us a salad it fucking better be covered in cheese and bacon or someone is getting hurt.

Back to the topic… how exactly are people from Wisconsin meant to live? What if they don’t “mean it,” should they give up hope and sit around getting fat and drunk? Hey, that sounds a lot like Wisconsin! Perhaps a better slogan would be something like “Mean to Live but Have Another Beer Instead.”

*gold-plated throne

I could just as easily put “men who wear gold chains” on my list but when they are worn over a sweater or turtleneck it really pushes the douchebag envelope.

When you wear a gold chain on the outside of your sweater it says to the world “I’m creepy, I sweat too much, I wear Axe, I prefer Van Halen with Sammy Hagar, I think Jim Belushi is hilarious, I still listen to cassette tapes and I lack the ability to understand why all this is wrong.”

It is also a scientific fact that if one wears a gold chain over one’s sweater, the sweater in question will be ugly enough to induce vomiting and will be worn without a collared shirt underneath.

I feel sick.

There is nothing more tragic than white people who think they are somehow tapping into some great mystic force because they purchased a plastic dreamcatcher when they stopped at the Kum & Go for some lottery tickets and a Slim Jim. I hate to tell you this Linda, but the fact that you think you are 1/32 Cherokee and you collect wolf figurines makes you about as spiritual as a stripper. How’s that dreamcatcher working out for you by the way? If your dream was to dress exclusively in sweatpants and oversized Looney Tunes T-shirts then I guess it’s working. Did you pray to the wolf spirit for an alcoholic husband who loves Nickelback and works at Pizza Hut? Is the wind God helping you lose that last 165 lbs. you just can’t seem to lose on your own? Stop embarrassing yourself Linda!

I was all set to write about something completely different today until a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song started playing at the gym. As soon as the disgusting, throaty, barf bag* vocals of Dicky Barrett entered my ears I instantly knew I would be changing today’s post. THEN out of nowhere some guy walked by bathed in AXE body spray. As I lay there on the floor like a fish out of water desperately trying to breathe while the Bosstones mocked me from the speakers above I realized this was the single worst moment of my life. It was as if all of my fears had become real. I began to cry, the kind of crying normally reserved for children. The kind that turns your breathing in to a series of violent convulsions. The crying along with the AXE that still hung in a thick cloud around me caused me to pass out. “Is this what they mean by the AXE effect?” I thought as the world turned dark and blurry.

I woke up in the hospital (which is where I’m writing this) with tubes and wires covering my body. The doctors told me my body had literally shut down from “an overwhelming amount of sucky shit.”

*I think I stole the “barf bag” description of Dicky Barrett’s vocal style from a review I read years ago.

Unfortunately my friend sent me a link to these “Talking Head Tables” yesterday and now I’m pretty sure our friendship is over. I don’t want to live in a world where this exists. I’m not kidding, one of us has to go. It’s me or the guy who makes his living dressed as a pile of shit.

I quit.

Standing still on a street corner is not a job so please stop giving these people a paycheck (AKA change in their buckets). It doesn’t matter if they are posing as a Roman statue or a silver robot, fight the urge to gawk with your tongue out at these lifeless turds. Are we really so easily amused that watching a person stand is entertainment? Entertainment that deserves payment?!?

These people are the worst human beings on the planet. I would rather have 8 more years of George Bush than see another asshole painted white just standing there seeking praise as if they actually hand-chiseled a statue. Hey out of work actor, you didn’t do shit so stop pointing to your bucket with your robot finger.

I take it back, there is one group of humans worse than these buttholes and they are the tourists who stand there staring and grinning like a dog about to go for a ride in the car. They practically orgasm when the frozen robot man decides to finally move his arm in a roboty way. They take photos and investigate closely because “dang it Brenda, don’t he look real?”

I wish I was a pigeon so I could add one more layer of realism to their little statue game.

We get it, God loves you best! Now stop having children you weirdos!

There is no doubt in my mind Jim Bob (shocker) and Michelle Duggar are addicted to the constant attention they receive for having such a ridiculous amount of children. In fact, they even have a show on TLC called “18 and Counting.” They remind me of parents with Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy disorder. They must be the talk of Arkansas every time they go to Wal-Mart or Pizza Hut. They are like people who cover their face in tattoos, “LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!”

I think it’s really sad that there are couples out there struggling to have just ONE child while this woman poos out kids like she’s a dog at a puppy mill. What really kind of sickens me though is the amount of unwanted children in the world who would give anything for a home, even with these creeps, but the Duggars just can’t stop fucking long enough to consider adoption. How does this sound… have 8 or 9 kids and adopt or foster the other 10. Everyone wins.

By the way, these assholes have said they would love to have more children. If that isn’t a cry for attention I don’t know what is.