Thanks for giving me the names of all your kids, it will be much easier to kidnap “Boogers” from the playground with that info.
These stupid bumper stickers have been mentioned in comments before on this site, but it’s time they got their due. They have more than earned their place on my list. I don’t give a shit about your stupid anorexic family, I just want to drive behind your slow-moving minivan in peace. I don’t need to know the intimate details of your life. I don’t need the pressure of trying to figure out everyone’s hobbies from the rudimentary cave drawings you have provided. Perhaps you could also display your tax returns for the last 3 years, your resume and the kids’ grades? Tell me, who is Booger’s favorite Jonas Brother?
The thing that really bothers me about this crap is everyone’s willingness to be the same. I hate fads. I guarantee these turds have a box of “valuable” Beanie Babies collecting dust in their basement and a full assortment of Crocs waiting by the door. It’s ironic that these decals end up making every family look exactly the same.
As a self-employed person, I pay every month for health insurance. I pay a lot for health insurance and over the years have spent tens of thousands of dollars on it. I also happen to be a very healthy person, knock on wood, so I rarely go to the doctor. I’m not a person who takes advantage of “the system” and I’m not looking for a handout. All I ask is that my insurance is there for me when I need it.
Well guess what insurance? FUCK YOU you fucking FUCK BALL! Today I went to the doctor for a very valid reason, nothing serious but still something that needed to be taken care of. As part of my treatment, I was given a prescription. While driving to the drugstore I was excited because I was just a few minutes away from my magical elixir. I asked the pretend doctor behind the pharmacy counter to tell me how much the medicine would cost. I just about shit all the way to the candy aisle when he told me a month’s worth would run me a mere $600! OK calm down, I’ve got that magic insurance card that I pay for every month and never use, surely I would be paying around $50. Turns out, my insurance is about as useful as having Flavor Flav as a father. With my DISCOUNT, the prescription would cost me… drum roll… $580. Way to go, health insurance!
So even though I have health insurance, my ailment will go untreated, because I cannot afford the $3,500 needed for the necessary amount of medicine. It literally turns my stomach to think about it. Sadly, our government is too busy fighting over whose party is more awesome to ever solve this, or any, problem. While they act like a bunch of toddlers arguing on the playground, the average American gets fucked. It’s shameful.
Then you have these fearful, douchebag idiots who think providing health care for EVERY American is somehow akin to socialism. I would love to ask these people to even give me the definition of socialism. “Duh, it’s like Hitler and Iraq.”
When I think about how little we accomplish in this country due to all this back-and-forth fighting about bullshit, I’m embarrassed for us. We used to be leaders and innovators but now we can’t get anything done. Everyone suffers, except of course, our elected officials and the drug companies. It is truly shameful.
Fuck you Jill, fuck you Kevin and fuck you anyone who has emailed this video with a little note that says “OMG this is awesome! Hilarious, a MUST SEE!”
There are a lot of things about this video that offend me, but the thing that REALLY makes me insane is the fact that this wacky dancing wedding shit is OLD NEWS! Jill and Kevin are way at the end of a long list of douchebags who worked up some lame wedding dance in an attempt to find internet fame. Why is everyone acting like Kevin and his whore bride Jill have invented something new? Yeah, Jill is a whore by the way.
At least the shitheads who did the Thriller dance at their wedding a few years ago put some effort into it. Jill, Kevin and their fat-fuck friends thought it was good enough to put on sunglasses and randomly convulse their way down the aisle. Oh, the fucking sunglasses make me so fucking mad. The kind of people who think a pair of sunglasses paired with a suit make you look “cool” are the same tools who slap on a Hawaiian shirt (tucked into khaki shorts of course) and a plastic lei before heading to the Jimmy Buffet concert. You see, the Hawaiian shirt conveys a general fondness for the beach party lifestyle while the plastic lei says “Hey bro, I own over 15 CDs and close to 30 MP3s so obviously I know how to party!”
The other thing that really perplexes me about Jill (the whore) and Kevin is that they chose to use a Chris Brown song in their wedding ceremony. I think Chris Brown best summed up what it means to be in love when he said, “Bitch, I love beatin’ yo ass! Now git da fuck outta my car, bitch! Yeah, I know it’s still moving you stupid fucking ho, now jump out dat window before I punch some mo love into yo teeth!”
Can everyone PLEASE stop trying to make their weddings into an internet sensation? Here’s a wacky idea, concentrate on what it means to be getting married and stop trying to be the next big thing on youtube. Is there anyone left on the planet who does not want to be famous or a public spectacle?
I hope Jill and Kevin (the whore’s husband) are eaten by a shark on their honeymoon. I hope their plane crashes into the mouth of a shark. I hope their plane crashes into the mouth of a shark and on the way down Jill cheats on Kevin with the guy sitting next to them. I hope that she gets pregnant during this quick fling and gets an abortion right there on the plane in front of Kevin and her new lover. I hope the guy who impregnates Jill on Kevin’s lap has swine flu. I hope the shark that eats Jill, Kevin, Jill’s aborted fetus, Jill’s lover, and the plane has AIDS.
Can you believe there are still Americans who reject science? I can. Just look at the popularity of that fucking dolt, Sarah Palin! I’m trying to think of something funny to say about these ridiculous, religious morons, but nothing I write could ever be as funny as just letting them speak for themselves. Up is down, black is white and peanut butter is a perfectly reasonable metaphor for the planet Earth? Fuck me.
To call these people retarded would be an incredible insult to retarded people. These assholes actively choose to be stupid. They choose to ignore the overwhelming facts that disprove their childish theories. To say they stick their heads in the sand is an insult to sand. I’m not sure exactly why, but it just is. Get your dumb head out of my sand!
In this clip, Kirk Cameron and some douchebag present “the atheist’s nightmare,” the banana!!! Kirk sits there with his trademark vacant shit-eating grin while Mustache jerks off a banana and spews his 1st grade deductions. By the way fuck face, here’s God’s banana, what you are holding is a domesticated banana created by man! Idiots.
Proof that either God does not exist or he’s a shitty product designer. Get your head out of your ass, God!
If you are a fan of intelligent design, take a good look at one of your “scholars.” Imbecile.
My head is literally spinning from all these dimwits. This is the only thing that can make me feel better. This and about 15 beers.
In case you can’t see where Calvin has decided to aim his pee this time, it says “Bin Laden.” That little scamp just loves to piss on things!
I’m sure this turd likes to fancy himself as a classic American tough guy, but is wishing that a toddler would urinate on a the man who masterminded the biggest terrorist attack on American soil all that hardcore? Is that the best you’ve got?
OK Osama, this child has clearly emptied his bladder on you while maintaining his trademark devil-may-care attitude, what do you have to say for yourself? Do you promise to stop blowing things up? Don’t make me sic Dennis the Menace on your ass! I will NOT HESITATE to bounce a basketball off your forehead, just try me!
Not to mention, Bin Laden is soooooo 2001. He could barely even make it onto TMZ at this point. It’s a all about Heidi and Spencer now. HELLOOOOOOOOOO!
Remember the good old days when Americans could not only speak English but also understand it when spoken? Are we really this dumb?
English subtitles for English-speaking people used to only be reserved for soccer hooligans on BBC America and Oasis interviews, but now it’s commonplace to see subtitles used for Americans on American television! Should we not be worried that TV programs feel the need to use subtitles under people from fucking Florida? FLORIDA! Oh god, I feel a rage spiral coming on.
Stop the madness! Just get married without trying to prove to everyone that you are “the most funnest, kickass couple in Terre Haute, Indiana and all of the surrounding Wabash Valley!” Stop trying to be the last story on the local news. The last story on the news is reserved for important stories, like the various activities of kittens and the kooky places they get stuck.
Is it wrong that 1% of me wants to see one of these “weddings” end in tragedy? That seems wrong. Maybe not tragedy, but is it too much to ask for a couple of broken legs that totally ruin their Six Flags honeymoon? I bet if you broke both legs during your skydive wedding, the local news would do the story before the sports.
I once ordered an edamame appetizer at one of these pretentious restaurants and when the waitress brought six individual soybeans to our table a single tear fell from my eye, because I realized I just paid $13 for six soybeans. The next time I went to this restaurant I noticed the menu now included “One soybean seasoned with a single tear.” Clearly they had stolen this idea from me.
Take your tiny, pretentious dollhouse-sized food and shove it up your oh-so-hip ass. Do you realize some of these places actually sell scented air. AIR! My grandfather did not storm the beach at Normandy so some turd in a $300 T-shirt could eat one grain of sea salt with a side of almond-scented air. And don’t even get me started on molecular gastronomy. Don’t!
I’m not happy after a meal unless I feel like I might die. I want to feel HEAR my stomach struggling to sort through all the meat and fat I just crammed down my greasy mouth. A meal really isn’t worth eating unless you need to shower immediately afterward.
