You just made my list!

Sorry this post is a little late, I was just too busy last night. Sue me! Just keep in mind, if you do choose to bring a lawsuit against me it will be very frivolous and will most likely be dismissed by any court. I think you should save us both time and money and drop the lawsuit. UNLESS, you take me to People’s Court! That would totally rule.

I really do HATE being late though. It doesn’t really bother me that much when other people are running late but I am personally very punctual. I’m one of those people who actually gets to the airport 2 hours before my flight. Does that make me anal? Do I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? Do I have Obsessive-Anal Disorder? I’m not sure what makes me this way but I am pretty sure it has something to do with my anus.

As I mentioned, I am in the middle of a huge project and until it’s done I’m pretty much not leaving my home office. I no longer sleep or shower and I’m working an average of 15 hours each day. I know, cry you a river.

A byproduct of this schedule is that I’m not really eating healthy. Actually, I’m not really eating. Look at this gem of a meal I “cooked” today. Are you getting hungry yet? NO, I didn’t scan this photo from a cookbook!

I had some nacho chips but none of the other necessary nacho ingredients but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. Way in the back of the fridge I found a 1/4 block of sharp cheddar. Sure, it was moldy but I was able to cut right around that shit and begin to construct my glorious nachos! Things were not looking good but I still had faith that when I pulled that plate out of the microwave somehow a beautiful plate of nachos would appear. Not unlike when Jesus broke a magic loaf of bread into enough pieces to feed 1,000 people! Is that how that story goes?

Well, unlike Jesus, I fucked up my magic meal. I accidentally left my ghetto nachos in the microwave for 2 minutes, turning my cheese into some form of orange lava rock. I ate them anyway.

I’M SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO THINKS THIS IS BORING! STOP READING BLOGS, THEY ARE ALL BORING!

That’s right jerks, I’m done. It’s over. I quit. Take this job and shove it!

I’ve spent almost every night of the last 9 months forcing myself to write this dumb blog and I finally came to the realization that I hate blogging. I don’t even LIKE blogs so what the hell am I doing writing one?

The truth is it has been really fun and I have enjoyed watching a little community of fellow complainers grow around the site and I feel really bad about leaving you all alone with your dark thoughts. On one hand I am happy I will no longer have to force myself to write every day but on the other hand I feel sick about letting my dumb little blog die. I also hate April Fools jokes and I hate myself for playing one today. So stop crying you big idiots. I’m not going anywhere, I’ve got too many things to complain about.

God damn I’m a good driver!

You think I’m good at blogging? You should see me work my magic behind the wheel. Sitting in the passenger seat of my car is akin to sharing the piano bench with Beethoven while he composes his music and shit. Yeah, I’m THAT good.

While the rest of you are sitting confused and helpless behind a UPS truck, I simply check my mirrors and casually turn my steering wheel allowing me to drive around said truck. While you monsters allow your fellow man to die a slow death at a parking lot exit, I give the gift of life with the benevolent wave of my kind hand. You drive like you no longer have arms and eyes while trying to talk on a cell phone but I can literally send a text and eat an ice cream sundae while flawlessly driving with my knees. I work my way through traffic effortlessly like a surgeon carefully performing brain surgery… on a fucking brain! A human brain you idiot! I drive with a kind yet firm hand. I will happily pay it forward but do not think you shall tread on me.

Parallel parking? Yeah, I’m pretty much the best at that too. Actually, I’m awesome at driving in reverse in all situations. I once drove from Chicago to Detroit IN REVERSE! I’ve changed from my beach wear into a tuxedo while driving 70 MPH down the highway. The drivers I pass give me thumbs up and rush home to twitter or tweet or whatever the fuck it’s called.

I am the world’s best driver.