You just made my list!

These assholes are the worst people on the planet. They do not deserve to share the oxygen we breathe. They are worse than serial killers, they are worse than Hitler.

These people pull up to a red light in the left lane of an intersection without a left turn lane. You feel safe and cozy about pulling up behind them because they are obviously not turning left. I mean how could they POSSIBLY be turning when their blinkers are off? You are so happy with your lane choice that you crank up the Creed song on the radio and fucking rock the fuck out! Life is good. Ding, the light turns green but wait, what is that? Suddenly, without warning these fuckfaces casually turn on their left turn signal and your life will never be the same.

Listen up dicks, turn your blinker on BEFORE you get to the intersection! Your turn signal is there to tell people “Hey, I’m going to be turning in the future” not “Hey, I’m turning NOW!” Waiting to pop that son-of-a-bitch on when the light turns green is pointless and I hate you.

Oh, hi corn, it’s nice to see you again. I haven’t seen you since the BBQ. Did you enjoy your trip through my body?

Remind me again why I even bother eating corn-on-the-cob. I don’t even like the way it tastes that much and I hate the way it gets stuck between my teeth. Then, corn has the audacity, the arrogance, the fucking GALL to just scoot right through me without doing shit. Literally! Ooooh, I get so mad when I see those perfect, little, yellow kernels glaring up at me from the toilet. I can almost see their tiny middle fingers raised high in my direction.

Guess what corn? FUCK YOU!*

*popcorn not included, popcorn is awesome.

Hey everyone, I just wanted to send out a quick inter-office email to remind you that the big “You Just Made My List” first anniversary party is today in conference room B at 4:00. Don’t be late (I’m looking at you Brad! Remember SALES IN ACTION 2008 – you will never live that down!!!!!! LOL!) Julie and Lisa have been working like crazy people (cuckoo cuckoo) to make this party ON THE CHAIN!!! If you thought the Sales on the Beach Summer Bash was fun, then hold on to your Dockers because this party will rock you!!

PARTY ACTIVITIES INCLUDE:
• Wackiest Neck Tie Contest
• Best Themed Cubicle Contest
• A Performance by Steve and Frank’s “Rubber-band Band”
• Waste Paper Basket-Ball
• NASCAR, or should I say NAS-CHAIR race (hee hee)

Debbie was nice enough to bake her famous cookies (one each please) and our very own Dan “The Man” will be DJ-ing right from his laptop? I don’t know how he figures that stuff out, zoom right over my head!!! LOL!

Running throughout the party will be an awesome (it seriously made me cry, boo hoo) Power Point slide show chronicling our first year! I’m not kidding when I say it’s as good as any documentary I have seen on Fox News, and you know I love my Fox News!!!

AND… If ALL that wasn’t enough, closing out the evening will be a super entertaining performance from… drumroll… drumroll… Counting Crows? (you wish Stacy! ROFL!!!)… drumroll… RAZZMATAZZ!!!!

So don’t be like that guy Ken who got fired last year for missing the Show Me The Money sales picnic! (he was a weirdo anyway)

See you at 4:00 and thanks for a GREAT YEAR!!!!

This is going to be a short post for exactly 3 reasons.

1. Chicago finally has nice, warm weather and I want to sit in my yard and get drunk.
2. I have spent the last 2 hours getting drunk in my yard.
3. I have a suspicion that nobody gives a shit about this stupid website and my bullshit anymore.
4. I purchased the Criterion Collection version of Bottle Rocket on DVD today and I want to watch it.
5. Shut up!
6. I have spent the last 2 hours getting drunk in my yard.
7. For the record, I have a chair, it’s not like I am literally sitting in the middle of my yard drinking. Idiot.
8. The world will be ending soon. Thanks North Korea!
9. I’m A Celebrity Get Me Outasafghddddddddddddddddddd. Sorry I just fell asleep face-down on my computer.
10. I hate that I even know who fucking Jon and fucking Kate are!!!

The official post begins now… Blah blah blah, I hate Jon and Kate. Kate is mean and Jon is miserable. The end.

This is my biggest nightmare.

I am not a fan of fussy interior design, especially when it is taken to such an extreme. What kind of a psychotic maniac wants to spend 45 minutes every night excavating through a pile of pillows like some earthquake rescue worker? Oh and guess what, you get to spend most of your morning replacing these functionless pillows in just the right order while the rest of us normal people sleep in until the last possible second before work.

These pillow people are obviously unstable and could snap at any moment. Move one pillow out of order and you’ve got another Jeffrey Dahmer on your ass. Yeah, that’s right, these horrible pillow people are worse than Osama Bin Laden!

First, I need to put myself on my list for watching NBC’s latest waste-of-video tape “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!” three nights in a row. In fact, as I type this I am watching Janice Dickinson cry because John Salley called her a bitch and a motherfucker for spilling water in his boots and using his shampoo. Stephen Baldwin thinks he’s justified and Sanjaya just wants to chill on the hammock. Oddly, Patti Blagojevich is the most likable person on the show. I’m only watching because I want to see when the actual celebrities join the cast. I mean, they are going to have celebrities on this show at some point, right?

Anyhoo, thanks to this future Emmy-winner, I have been introduced to Janice Dickinson’s fleshy horror show that she calls a neck. I could probably type the night away about Janice Dickinson’s loathsome personality but it’s really her ghastly neck that has ruined my night. RUINED IT! I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to describe her neck and I think I figured it out. It looks like an enormous, veiny penis! Yeah, she’s a shriveled head sitting precariously on top of a beastly, repulsive monster cock.

I’m going to be sick.

Yeah, that’s right, at some point today I accidentally deleted 10+ hours worth of work. The end result is 1) I don’t feel like writing about anything tonight (sorry) and 2) I’m going to get drunk.

Please continue yesterday’s discussion about whether or not little people are, in fact, people.

My life is a nightmare.

If you know me personally, there is a good chance you know that I hate to poop. You may also know that I can go several days without pooping. Those poop-free days feel like a gift from God. I would imagine it feels not unlike getting a call from the Governor that spares you from the electric chair.

I am not trying to be funny or outrageous with these claims, I honestly hate everything about pooping. People often try to convince me that “pooping feels soooo good” but I will never understand how forcing a tube of warm, smelly feces out of my butthole is supposed to feel good. I feel sad and humiliated while taking a dump. You know the way most dogs look embarrassed when pooping in public? I’m sure I look exactly the same every time I poop.

Pooping at home is bad enough but the panic I feel when I realize I am going to have to shit in a public bathroom is unrivaled. Taking a shit in an airport might be the worst thing to ever happen in my life. NO, pooping on the plane is even worse.

I need to go lie down.

p.s. I love farting! I just wanted to clear that up.