Every week I see commercials for ER that claim the next episode is a “can’t-miss event.” It seems to me whatever hospital these guys work at is the least safe hospital in the world. Every week there’s a guy with a gun mowing people down or a helicopter crashing through the roof. You’re there for a simple tummy ache and the next thing you know your alcoholic doctor is screwing the nurse and a runaway truck is driving through your room.
Why can’t ER be more like People’s Court and be awesome? Is that too much to ask?
Well, it’s my last day of vacation and I thought it would be nice to head into the weekend with a true classic. Christian Bale isn’t worthy to hold Jack Rebney’s dirty underwear! Now THIS is how to go nuts on the set! I’m so old I first saw the Winnebago Man before all this “internet” business. Yeah, I saw it on good old fashioned VHS video tape! See you losers Monday!
“It ain’t worth it. Not this shit, it ain’t fucking worth it.”
I’m still on vacation and no doubt drunk. I’m writing this a week before I actually leave for the beach but I’m guessing as you read this I am currently being oiled up on the beach by 4 sexy island women. Does anyone miss me?
I love cable access weirdness! It does not get much weirder than John Kilduff’s “Let’s Paint, Exercise and…” program. GENIUS! More Let’s Paint TV here.
I want to hate Ryan Seacrest so bad! I want the sight of his face to make poop involuntarily explode from my ass. I’m not sure why I would want that to happen now that I think of it. Let’s just say every cell in my body tells me to hate this turd but I can’t do it. I LIKE RYAN SEACREST and I want the world to know it!
You know what, good for him for realizing his only talent is being a bland nice guy and making a career of it. If there was a computer programmed to create humans and you instructed it to create the absolute least offensive person possible it would shoot out Ryan Seacrest. On paper that sounds like reason enough to hate him but it’s not. There are plenty of bland celebrities worthy of your anger but they are offensively boring. Ryan is just lovably boring.
So who’s offensively bland? People like Pete Wentz, Jay Leno and Gwen Stefani are aggressively boring to me whereas Ryan is just lovably middle-of-the-road. He’s smart too. He stays out of trouble and works hard at being America’s nice guy. It’s making him rich and making me fall in love with him.
I went to see “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” and not only was I punished for this decision by having to sit through it, I now have a cold that I undoubtedly caught from one of the many mouth-breathers who made up the audience of cackling idiots. Just when I thought the day was winding down and I could drift off to sleep on the couch I accidentally turned on the Grammys. What I saw will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Do you remember the first time you saw footage of that Vietnamese solider shooting that Vietcong guy in the head? Remember watching this man die right on the street, blood pouring from his head? Take that horrible, disgusting, soul-crushing feeling and multiply it by approximately 523,038 and you will know how I felt seeing the Jonas Brothers shitting their shit all over “Superstition” while poor Stevie jammed along with them obliviously. Who is responsible? Who could do this to Stevie? Did they tell him it was Radiohead or The White Stripes? Taking advantage of a blind man like that makes me sick. SICK!
I mean that’s the only way Stevie Wonder would ever perform with the Jonas Brothers, right?
I simply refuse to believe there are more than 14 people watching all of these “dancing with some asshole” shows. There are at least 5 dancing shows on TV right now, probably more but I REFUSE to research it. How is it possible a single person wants to watch dancing? HOW (followed by violent punching of my keyboard)?
I could understand dancing shows being popular in the mid seventies when all those awesomely shitty variety shows ruled the airwaves but in the year 2009? I just don’t get it. How is it possible, when all of society is walking around like they are straight out of Compton, a show about d-list celebrities flitting around in glittery jumpsuits is a #1 show?
Our country acts so fucking macho all the time but these shows have such high ratings that there has to be more than a handful of good old boys secretly watching with a beer in hand and a jar of nacho cheese resting on their fat bellies. Does this cheese fly across the trailer when they stand up in a rage because Rocco DiSpirito gets voted off when Susan Lucci clearly deserves to be sent packing? Does a single tear fall to his Dale Earnhardt sleeveless t-shirt when Ian Ziering nails a flawless Viennese Waltz?
Originally I was just going to write about one thing I hate about ABC’s hit show “Lost” but I fell into a minor rage spiral and now I have to mention a few things that make me crazy about this show. Here are the top 5 things that piss me off about Lost…
1) Ben Linus and his inability to blink.
You may recognize actor Michael Emerson who plays Benjamin Linus from nothing. You might also recognize that he suffers from “Hannibal Lecter Syndrome” which prevents an actor from blinking while in the process of over-acting. HLS usually strikes actors playing bad guys but it can affect anyone. Andrew McCarthy suffered from HLS during most of the 80’s, ultimately ending his career.
2) All the men on the island and their inability to grow beards.
No matter how long these hunky hunks are stuck on this stupid magical island they lack the ability to grow more than 3 days’ worth of stubble. I don’t care if it’s only a TV show, I want BEARDS!
3) Jack’s inability to not breathe heavily.
For those of you smart enough to avoid this show, Jack Shephard is our hero and he’s played by non-beard-growing Matthew Fox. Whether he’s climbing a steep hill or picking up a coconut Jack is out of breath. You see, by sucking wind like a marathon runner an actor is able to communicate just how good he is at acting. The more intense the breathing, the better the acting. It’s simple science.
4) Everyone’s inability to not be able to not make a torch.
How are these jerks making torches? What is their source of fuel? Fuck you and your perfect torches!
5) Me and my inability to stop watching.
Why do I watch every week? Why do I allow these writers to force me to watch season after no-beard season when I am certain they have no idea how to answer all the questions raised by their own story? I hate myself.
