I have always hated American Idol but this season has taken me over the edge. For some reason I keep seeing it every week. Specifically I keep catching this season’s “rocker” Adam Lambert perform, and each time I want to dig my eyes out of my skull and shove them down my ears while smashing my face through the TV. I fucking hate the fuck out of this prancing turd and his eye makeup. I would spend every penny I own (which is like 207 pennies) just to have the chance to kick him in the smooth area where his balls should be.
Music is dead. No, the music industry is dead. Everyone, including supposed indie bands, are so fucking into their look and their image now. Even a band like the Strokes, who pretend to be dirty and disheveled, spend just as much time picking out their outfits as the American Idol douchewads. Fuck everyone, what happened to awesome, ugly, dirty, sweaty bands like the Minutemen or the Replacements?
If this clip of Adam Lambert taking a shit all over Johnny Cash doesn’t make you want to go on a killing spree then you need to kindly punch yourself in your penis and/or vagina.
See the look on this woman’s face? You will never look like this while getting a massage from me.
I don’t care if giving a 5 minute massage would lead to hot, sweaty sex with Lucy Liu on a private Caribbean island while Brooke Burke and Keeley Hazel watch and beg to join in, I’m not doing it so stop asking, Lucy!
I absolutely LOVE to RECEIVE a massage, especially from a professional (insert happy ending joke here), but I despise giving them. I would rather retake the SATs than massage your back. When I try to give a massage I begin with good intentions but literally after 10 seconds I am sick and tired of it. I’m not happy, you’re not happy, so why bother?
What is wrong with you people? Why are you wearing miniature jeans? Are you a doll? Do you have tiny doll legs?
Unless you are the sound guy for Jeff Foxworthy and it’s 1991 it’s time to retire your jean shorts. In fact, you might be a redneck if you are STILL FUCKING WEARING DENIM SHORTS!
I have complied a list of everything that is better than denim shorts…
Sorry this post is a little late, I was just too busy last night. Sue me! Just keep in mind, if you do choose to bring a lawsuit against me it will be very frivolous and will most likely be dismissed by any court. I think you should save us both time and money and drop the lawsuit. UNLESS, you take me to People’s Court! That would totally rule.
I really do HATE being late though. It doesn’t really bother me that much when other people are running late but I am personally very punctual. I’m one of those people who actually gets to the airport 2 hours before my flight. Does that make me anal? Do I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? Do I have Obsessive-Anal Disorder? I’m not sure what makes me this way but I am pretty sure it has something to do with my anus.
I don’t get it. I will never get it. I don’t want to get it. I don’t want to live in a world where Twitter is successful. I don’t want to be surrounded by people “tweeting.” I don’t even want to fucking know the word tweet. I don’t want to know that you just ate cheese fries and I don’t need a live update of the Death Cab set list.
As I mentioned, I am in the middle of a huge project and until it’s done I’m pretty much not leaving my home office. I no longer sleep or shower and I’m working an average of 15 hours each day. I know, cry you a river.
A byproduct of this schedule is that I’m not really eating healthy. Actually, I’m not really eating. Look at this gem of a meal I “cooked” today. Are you getting hungry yet? NO, I didn’t scan this photo from a cookbook!
I had some nacho chips but none of the other necessary nacho ingredients but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. Way in the back of the fridge I found a 1/4 block of sharp cheddar. Sure, it was moldy but I was able to cut right around that shit and begin to construct my glorious nachos! Things were not looking good but I still had faith that when I pulled that plate out of the microwave somehow a beautiful plate of nachos would appear. Not unlike when Jesus broke a magic loaf of bread into enough pieces to feed 1,000 people! Is that how that story goes?
Well, unlike Jesus, I fucked up my magic meal. I accidentally left my ghetto nachos in the microwave for 2 minutes, turning my cheese into some form of orange lava rock. I ate them anyway.
I’M SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO THINKS THIS IS BORING! STOP READING BLOGS, THEY ARE ALL BORING!
Remind me again why I just spent 5 minutes segmenting your sour ass.
You suck, grapefruit, and I hate your sucky juice. Have you ever taken a big swig of grapefruit juice thinking it was orange juice? It’s like a punch in your flavor balls! It’s like leaning in to kiss (insert the person you are most attracted to here) and as your lips meet and your tongues mingle, this person suddenly turns into your mom! You pull away and think, “what the fucking fuck was just in my mouth?” In fact, I would rather make out with my mom than drink a glass of grapefruit juice.*
It’s not just the juice that pisses me off. I would conservatively estimate that segmenting a grapefruit half takes on average 45 minutes. And for what, one minute of sour disappointment? Fuck off grapefruit. Stop thinking you are as awesome as your cousin the almighty orange. You are just embarrassing yourself. You sicken me.
If you are a mom or dad with a baby please don’t waste your time telling me that you put sunglasses on your child to protect their little eyes. I realize this and don’t disagree but I don’t have to be logical, I just have to hate something to put it on my fucking awesome list!
I HATE the way babies look in sunglasses. It creeps me the hell out! I’m not trying to be funny, I can’t look at a child when they are wearing sunglasses. A pair of sunglasses on a baby instantly transforms them from cute and innocent to a fat party guy from some late 80’s R-rated teen movie. You know the character, he’s usually named “Moose” or “Pudding” and is always wearing a Hawaiian shirt and not getting laid. The movie ends with “Moose” falling into a pool fully-clothed. He pops his head out of the water while still eating a slice of pizza and the rest of the teens all say in unison “oh Mooooooose.” Roll credits.
