You just made my list!

I would like to preempt any desire you might have to tell me to “burn my TV.” It’s not going to happen so I don’t want to hear it. I don’t need to be told to turn off the TV and pick up a book so fight that urge you fucking hippies.

Now that we have that unpleasant talk out of the way I can explain why I even know who this guy is. You see, I used to be like you and would ignore programs like TMZ. That was until they placed it between my 5:00 Simpsons and my 6:00 Simpsons. I have a little TV on my desk but I don’t turn it on until 4:00 for People’s Court. Have I ever told you how much I love People’s Court? The mere mention of People’s Court makes me kiss my fingers while making the “muah” sound like a cartoon Italian chef on a pizza box.

Anyway, thanks to the programming change I started listening to TMZ while working. I would occasionally glance over but only to make myself feel superior to the idiots who actually watch this crap. A few disapproving glances turned into watching an entire “story” about Pauly Shore waiting for his car at the valet stand. Next thing you know I’m watching a hard hitting piece on Tori Spelling and that husband of hers waiting for their car at the valet stand. Before I knew it I was watching a full 22 minutes of C and D list celebrities waiting for their cars at valet stands. AND LOVING IT!

The more boring or mundane the activities these “celebs” were engaged in the more I wanted to watch. Look, there’s Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo drinking coffee. OH LOOK, it’s Seal walking through a parking lot not saying a word. What’s that you say, you have a 2 second clip of that guy from Scrubs going through airport security?!? Be still my beating heart!

If you have not seen the show (loser), the format is a bunch of TMZ gossip hounds sitting at their morning meeting pitching ideas to head TMZ guy and sippy cup lover Harvey Levin (FROM PEOPLE’S COURT). They hold up a piece of paper with a photo on it and say “I’ve got Hulk Hogan eating a sandwich at the mall and he looks really fat” followed by a clip of Hulk Hogan eating a sandwich at the mall while looking fat. THAT’S THE ENTIRE SHOW and I fucking love it!

To get to my point, one of the main TMZ gossip guys who appears on the show every day is this surfer dude with long blond hair. He’s kind of the star of the “morning meeting” and usually gets the most screen time. Apparently he even has a name, Max Hodges. The weird thing is Max, who reports on celebrities, is starting to think he IS a celebrity. I guess he kind of is in a weird way. The point is, he’s starting to act like a douchebag and he’s wrecking my little TMZ utopia.

I just realized how long this post is and how few of you care. Burn your books and watch more TV!

These guys follow every move Max Hodges makes.

Can’t I just buy these Funyuns in peace? I’m already freaked out by being left alone in line, do I really need to have Rachel Ray scream a panini recipe in my face while I wait to check out? Can’t I just fill up my tank without having clips of “Two and a Half Men” forced upon me? Can’t I ride in uncomfortable silence in this elevator rather than listen to the latest gossip about Sarah Jessica Parker’s troubled marriage?

Now, if they were to play People’s Court on these ever-present TVs I would be overjoyed! Yes, put a TV playing People’s Court on every surface I see. I want to see Judge Marilyn Milian’s face smiling back at me when I’m peeing in a public restroom. I want to see the tough but lovable bailiff Douglas McIntosh on my ceiling when I hop into bed at the end of a long day. When my eyes are closed I want to hear the deep, sexy voice of Curt Chaplin delivering difficult but fair questions in the halls of People’s Court. Oh, and how could I leave out that beautiful son of a bitch Harvey Levin? I want that motherfucker permanently implanted onto the back of my eyelids. I want People’s Court on one eyelid and TMZ on the other!

Wait, what was I talking about?

My complaint about the FreeCreditReport.com “Pirate” commercial is really a back-handed compliment I guess. That fucking song gets stuck in my head and hangs out in there well past its welcome. The party has cleared, the music has been turned off, I’m doing dishes and that stupid jingle is still hanging out on my brain couch. Leave already you dick!

I have every word of this commercial memorized and often find myself humming it. It used to only happen just after seeing the ad but now it will pop into my head at all hours of the day or night. Weather permitting, I ride a scooter and due to the lack of radio and my borderline OCD brain I will often have one song loop over and over in my mind for an entire 2 hour ride. Sadly I will catch myself singing “They say a man should always dress for the job he wants, so why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant…” over and over until I force another song in my head.

In case you care, which you don’t, the guy in the commercial is some Canadian singer/songwriter/actor named Eric Violette. I’m guessing poor Eric gets recognized and then promptly punched in the balls at least 4 times daily. That’s an average of 2 punches per ball, per day.

Want to ruin your day?

Let me be VERY clear I LOVE animals and am endlessly thankful for people who devote their lives to helping them. I’m one of those ridiculous people who sees a homeless guy with a dog and thinks “I hope that dog is getting enough to eat.” I am glad there are people like Sarah McLachlan who use their celebrity to do something noble. Finally, the thought of a person being cruel to an animal literally turns my stomach.

Having said all of that, I can’t reach the remote fast enough when this commercial comes on the TV. It’s not the commercial’s fault, I just can’t stand to see slow motion shots of sad/abused/forgotten animals. To date, I have only seen the first 3 seconds of this ad and it’s enough to ruin my day. I always change the channel immediately. The problem is that the commercial is so long I always turn back too soon and find a pair of sad doggie eyes staring at me from behind cage bars.

Oh, and now there’s a new sad animal commercial with polar bears clinging to life on a tiny chunk of ice. Jesus Christ, I just want to watch People’s Court without crying!

If the economy didn’t suck and I had some extra cash I would be more than happy to donate to the ASPCA. So I guess that means you will have to donate in my honor. If you don’t, I will email sad animal photos to you every day. Don’t be like me, donate to The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

So I was thinking, maybe I should do a douchebag-of-the-year award kind of thing but there were too many assholes to pick from. My brain started to boil over while mentally running down the list of potential “winners” and I had a small rage-induced stroke. After recovering I decided that this little idea of mine was too difficult and felt like actual work so I sent it back to hell. While trying to narrow down all the wonderful D-bags of 2008 I realized people from the Food Network kept popping up. So somehow the idea turned into this handy guide to the douchebags and non-douchebags of the Food Network.

*Quick note: If anyone comments that I am “jealous” of any of these people I will hunt you down and pee in your mouth.

OK, here’s the list in order of shittiest to least crappy.

#1 GUY FIERI (tie)
SUPER ULTRA TOOL
Oh Guy, sweet sweet Guy. This is your 3rd appearance on my list, congratulations you big fucking turd! I hate you and your 1950’s via 1992 Swingers clothes and if I hear you describe a sandwich as “money” one more time fire will shoot from my ears. The sight of your fat, sweaty face is about as appetizing as watching a homeless person puke on a pile of dog shit.




#1 DUFF GOLDMAN (tie)
MEGA COCK HOLE
Duff and his whole staff of wannabe cool kids bug the living shit out of me. NERDS! You can throw devil horns in the air all you want and grow a little pussy beard but you will never hide the fact that you are a dork. By the way, when I say “pussy beard” I mean it literally looks the pubic hair of a girl in Penthouse. The best part about this jerk is that his cakes AREN’T EVEN CAKE! He makes his “cakes” out of rice krispies, wood, metal and rope. Delicious! “Blow out your candles Bobby but DON’T eat the cake, I repeat do not try and eat your cake, you will die!”




#2 EMERIL LAGASSE
FAT, LOUD TURD
This guy is shit from head to toe. Why is it that the quickest way to the general public’s heart is to trim your identity down to one simple concept? Larry The Cable Guy has his “git ‘er done” and Emeril has his trademark “BAM” to fire up his audience of drooling underachievers. He’s a crappy chef and an even crappier piece of crap.




#3 RACHAEL RAY
LOUD, ANNOYING AND LOUD
Welcome back to the list Rachael! You still suck and you’re still loud and abrasive like a chainsaw ripping through a chain link fence. Is she married? I can not imagine a worse fate than marrying that mouth of hers. She is exactly the kind of woman I could never date. Even if she was super hot, which she is not, I would not be able to take that voice and the incessant cutesy “EVOO” “yummers” bullshit.




#4 PAULA DEEN
LOUD, ANNOYING AND LOUD
If you put me in a room with Rachael Ray and Paula Deen I guarantee I could claw my way through brick and steel to escape. Boy do I hate “aw shucks” down-home country charm. She’s the Forrest Gump of the Food Network. I bet she fucking LOVED Sarah Palin and her folksy stupidity.




#5 BOBBY FLAY
ASS
This guy thinks he’s the Fonzie of the Food Network. Why is he always “throwing down” and challenging people? We get it, you’re a street smart kid who grew up on the mean streets of New York. Can’t he let some guy in South Carolina be the best at making chili? Does he have to blow into town with the intention of taking everyone down a notch? Sit on it Flay!




#6 ALTON BROWN
BORDERLINE DOUCHEBAG
Eh, I guess Alton Brown is OK for the most part but he does have a pinch of doucheiness don’t you think? He’s a little perky for my taste and I get the impression he thinks he’s cool. Not so much, Alton. He’s right in the middle between sucking and being awesome because he is extremely knowledgeable and owns a motorcycle.




#7 TYLER FLORENCE
SEEMS OK TO ME
I don’t know, he seems nice enough, right? He’s not very annoying and that’s probably why the Food Netowrk has only given him one show. Come on Tyler, turn the annoying knob to 11 and you might get 2 or 3 more shows. Try yelling more!






#8 MARIO BATLI
FULL OF HIMSELF BUT STILL AWESOME
Yeah, Mario thinks he’s the shit and he likes to brag about the celebrities he hangs with but his amazing talent trumps all of that. “Molto Mario” is one of the all-time great programs on the Food Network. This guy knows his shit and it’s fascinating to listen to him discuss Italian cuisine. I’ve eaten at one of his restaurants and it was awesome. Suck it Emeril!




#9 JAMIE OLIVER
AWESOME
I used to HATE Jamie Oliver but I can’t remember why exactly. I do remember when I started liking him though. There was a reality show that chronicled his opening of a restaurant that was to be completely staffed by troubled kids from the wrong side of the tracks. This was no bullshit show, these kids were “bad” and although they constantly screwed Jamie over he never gave up on them. It was honestly inspiring and made me love the guy. Sorry for having feelings!




#10 GIADA DE LAURENTIIS
BOOBS!
Sorry girls, it’s just the way things go. Sure Giada is pretty annoying but Jesus Christ does she know how to dress and flash that cleavage! She seems like a good chef but I am usually too hypnotized by the boobs to notice. OK, her head is huge (physically) and she’s overly enthusiastic but she’s hot and loves to show off that kissing cleavage. That alone is enough to make her the most awesome Food Network chef. Sorry, It’s my fucking list!

This was torture. I am never putting this much work into this blog again.

Geez God, what the hell? Did you have to kill Eartha Kitt on Christmas? Is it because she sang about your arch-rival Santa Claus in the amazing “Santa Baby”? Man, take a day off from all the killing and enjoy your son’s birthday.

Eartha Kitt was my favorite Catwoman, hands down and “Santa Baby” is in my top 10 Christmas songs of all time. Eartha Kitt was awesome. She passed away from colon cancer in her Connecticut home at age 81.

Hey guess what happens EVERY winter in Chicago… IT SNOWS!

Keeping this bit of trivia in mind, why does the local news act as if the sky is raining shards of glass and infected hypodermic needles every time a little snow is on the way? Fine, tell me a storm is on the way but do it like this… “Tonight in weather news, some snow is on the way, probably about 5 inches. You know what to do, so let’s leave it at that. On to other news about real things…”

All it takes is a little snow making its way towards our city and the news people start ejaculating all over each other. They will literally use up half of the news to discuss it. They might as well just run the same footage for each storm because year after year, storm after storm, it is always the same.

Here’s a handy how-to guide for creating your own TV snow report:

1) Go to the airport and talk to people in line whose flight has been canceled. Film some people sleeping on chairs and a family in Hawaiian shirts looking concerned. Roll some footage of the departure screen filled with the word “canceled,” that seems to get people worked up!

2) Show the Streets and Sanitation commissioner at a podium explaining that they will first plow and salt the main roads and then the side streets.

3) Interview a fat guy with a Ditka mustache who drives a snow plow. He will say something like “Looks like we will be workin’ true da night ta clear dees streets, whatever it takes.”

4) Cut to a hardware store and explain that a snow shovel can be used to move snow.

5) Interview people on the street about snow. They won’t have much to say but you can see their breath! Extra points if you can find a guy from Africa who has never seen snow before.

6) Footage of people getting blown over by the wind. Impactful and induces fear of wind, NICE!

7) Cut back to the weather guy (with visible erection) and refer to his desk as “Storm Center 3000”.

Repeat each time it snows.

Please make it stop. I beg you to wake me from this nightmare and tell me I have been in a coma for 5 years. In a gentle, caring voice explain to me that while in my coma my brain invented an entire universe that does not actually exist. Put your hand on the side of my face and tell me this Ashton Kutcher monster existed only in my hang-gliding-accident-coma-mind and I am free now. Tell me I am free to live in a world without Ashton Kutcher. Is that you ma? I’m back ma, your little baby boy is alive!