You just made my list!

You know, every night after a long day of “work” I bust my hump to write some barely interesting shitty post for this crap blog of mine. Occasionally I will reread older posts and think “eh, that was sort of funny” but then two separate people in the last few days sent me a link to this blog called Fuck You Penguin and now I’m ready to quit. I suck.

It makes me so mad when people are better than me. This blog is not just a little better than mine, it’s WAY better. I give all of you permission to switch your allegiance to FYP. If I were you I’d rather read it, it’s better than this piece of fart soaked poo.

I don’t even like blogs.

Nothing fills me with panic quicker than not being able to find my wallet. Fear immediately overtakes me after I check all the usual wallet resting places in my home and find nothing but dust outlines of where my wallet once was. I begin to catalog everything in my wallet and fantasize about the fat turd who probably found it on the sidewalk and is currently charging porn to my credit cards. Worse than losing my credit cards is losing my collection of dumb fortune cookie fortunes that has grown over the years. Where will I turn when when I need to be reminded that I “love the nightlife” without those fortunes?

For the record, I always find my wallet eventually and have never really lost one but those 10 or 15 minutes when you think it’s gone forever is the worst feeling in the world.

What a monumental task it has become trying to figure out who or what to put on my list for my very first post on this soon to be famous blog. I have such a long list of people and things that annoy me how could I possibly choose. This is a real Sophie’s Choice I’ve got on my hands.

I decided to choose the one thing in life that makes me the craziest. The one thing that instantly sends an unexplainable rush of adrenaline through my body and that one thing is dropping my keys! Oh sweet lord how I hate to drop my keys. I realize this simple event is ridiculous to 1) care about and 2) write about, but I just want to go on a killing spree when I drop my keys.

And while I’m on the subject of my jerk keys, why do I have so many? My house alone requires 4 keys. I feel like a janitor walking around with this mess.

Dropping my keys… you just made my list!