Nothing fills me with panic quicker than not being able to find my wallet. Fear immediately overtakes me after I check all the usual wallet resting places in my home and find nothing but dust outlines of where my wallet once was. I begin to catalog everything in my wallet and fantasize about the fat turd who probably found it on the sidewalk and is currently charging porn to my credit cards. Worse than losing my credit cards is losing my collection of dumb fortune cookie fortunes that has grown over the years. Where will I turn when when I need to be reminded that I “love the nightlife” without those fortunes?
For the record, I always find my wallet eventually and have never really lost one but those 10 or 15 minutes when you think it’s gone forever is the worst feeling in the world.
Let me try and describe what I’m talking about. You know that part of most shampoo or lotion commercials when you are shown an animation of the product “working” as if it had a mind of its own? Well, it makes me crazy. For example, they will show shampoo floating through your hair looking for damage like a coast guard helicopter searching for survivors of a capsized boat. When these magic balls find dry hair they attach themselves and lovingly fix the problem like shampoo angels.
Does anyone actually believe this is what that cold blob of shampoo is doing on your head? Sadly, I think the answer is yes. I think there are people who really think hand lotion has the ability to seek out cracks in their skin like a police dog searching for drugs. These people are dumb.
However, nothing can rival a kangaroo shooting a bottle of shampoo out of its purple vagina.
Are you KIDDING ME? Have you heard about this bullshit? Yeah, that’s right, schools are now starting to pay kids for good grades. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now, fuck off.
What happened to people doing things simply because it’s the right thing to do? What happened to kids doing what they are told to do because they are kids and don’t really have a say in the matter? When did Americans become so afraid of children and why must we cater to their every whim? Why am I so much smarter than everyone?!? Probably because I was forced to do my homework without the option of getting rewarded for it.
My reward for getting decent grades was being allowed to live in our house and eat food. Doesn’t seem like I deserved much more than that if you ask me.
School sucked, I hated every second of it. It was BORING and bringing home a mountain of homework every night was torture for me. I was a smart kid but a terrible student, however I am endlessly thankful that I had to suffer through 17 (18?) years of school because it set me up for life. It taught me that sometimes, probably usually, life is not fun. I think that is more valuable than most of the knowledge I absorbed. School teaches you that sometimes shit stinks and all you can do is breathe it in.
Bribing kids for doing what they should be doing anyway is ridiculous. I don’t care if it’s grades or picking up their toys. If my kid went to a school that paid for good grades I would immediately take that money from them and spend it on something for myself. Life can be annoying, get used to it.
OK listen up, it’s SUPPOSEDLY not SUPPOSABLY! Got it?
I used to work with someone who ALWAYS said “supposably” and it made me insane. I would purposely use the word “supposedly” around her all the time and would clearly pronounce every syllable hoping she would one day beg for forgiveness. I would say things like “I’m going to lunch now. SUPP-OS-ED-LY the ham and cheese is on sale at Arby’s. SUPP-OS-ED-LY Arby’s stands for ‘America’s Roast Beef, Yes Sir’ did you know that? OK, SUPP-OS-ED-LY. Bye, SUPP-OS-ED-LY. SUPP-OS-ED-LY”
My hidden grammar lessons fell on deaf ears because before long she would be jamming that disgusting “supposably” back in my face.
Dude, did you get the new Scent Stories disc, “Farmer’s Market?” Yeah, it came out today. It fucking rocks!
Oh brother. Really? Please tell me there isn’t a single person in the world who has fallen for this weirdness.
In case you have a job and don’t watch soap operas, I will explain this madness. First, you buy a giant Febreze “disc player” and place it on the shelf next to your figurines and collection of novelty glasses. Then you choose from an exciting selection of discs with names like “Boardwalk” and “World Treasure” which you put in your pretend air freshener computer. Now you simply sit back and soak in the artificial stink of the boardwalk while your new disc takes you on the world’s saddest journey. Maybe, just maybe, if you close your eyes you can actually smell sweaty chest hair and the urine of 100 homeless guys.
When I see shit like this I feel like I might be stuck in the matrix or possibly from another planet.
PLEASE watch this clip of Shania Twain contemplating suicide while she pretends to give a shit about Scent Stories! I have never seen a more defeated person. She also likes that “it’s EASY” unlike those impossibly complicated candles!
(you have to sit through 45 seconds of nothing to get to the good stuff)
I love People’s Court. I wish there was a People’s Court channel so I could watch it all day long. I’m not kidding, I love this show.
Do you really think that crappy “surround sound” system you just bought from the back of a van for $200 is really a $3,600 system? Do you really think it’s even going to work? Shouldn’t you cut your loses and spare yourself the humiliation of admitting to all of this on national television?
Seriously? Huh? Not possible! NOT POSSIBLE! Someone wake me from this nightmare!
If you buy a treadmill for your child DCFS should remove them from your home and you should be immediately sterilized by a brutal smashing of said treadmill to your baby maker.
Just like when I discussed baby helmets, I am only referring to people who put normal, healthy kids on a treadmill. If they need baby-sized treadmills for some sort of physical therapy that’s fine, but if you would rather see your dumb kid taking a walk in your living room rather than playing outside like a normal human then there is something wrong with you and soon there will be something wrong with your child.
If my child asked me for one of these contraptions I would make them live outside in the wild for a week as punishment. Think of all the exercise little Bobby would get foraging for berries and building rudimentary shelters. Perhaps he will have to run from a family of rabid raccoons, I don’t know but that kid is going to lose at least 8 lbs without the aid of a god damn treadmill. Problem solved.
Full disclosure, I do not feel like writing anything today. I almost put myself on my list for deciding to write a fucking blog 5 days a week but that seemed stupid. Then I thought I could quickly fart out a post about what lying liars John McCain and Sarah Palin are but I’m too sick of their faces. So I flipped through my list, yes it is an ACTUAL list on paper, and tried to find the easiest thing to write about.
And that brings us to my disdain for people who think they can actually be jinxed by some stupid thing I say. I’m not talking about people who lightheartedly say “you’re going to jinx us” after I say “I think we are going to get lucky with parking tonight.” I am referring people who actually get angry and believe jinxing is as real as the air we breathe.
Here’s what I know… 1) There is no force in the universe that will take my words and cause you to get a flat tire or make your plane crash and 2) This post is a boring piece of shit and I apologize. Maybe someone recently said something like “your blog is always so awesome” and it jinxed me.
Seriously? Huh? Not possible! NOT POSSIBLE! Someone wake me from this nightmare!
