You just made my list!

Have you ever been forced into one of these ridiculous wastes of time? If you are currently reading this from the safety of your grey cubicle then I will assume the answer is yes. I will also assume a chill just shot up your spine and a tear fell to your Dockers.

For those of you who are lucky enough to NOT know what a “team building” seminar is all about, let me sum it up like this… your entire office is herded onto a party bus and driven to a remote location where you will be forced to act like a toddler in a misguided attempt to make you give a shit about your job and coworkers. Oh, it’s a real fun time alright, you get to wear your “weekend” clothes, bang on drums and various other children’s instruments, share feelings and play wacky games that involve being tied with ropes to the accounting department. You laugh and bond over how funny your boss looks in a hula skirt and comment endlessly about how hilarious it was when Larry from sales sang “Margaritaville” at karaoke! If you are a man you might as well cut off your penis because it will never look you in the eye again after one of this weekends.

Oh it’s a big love fest that really strengthens the team until Monday when the mere sight of Larry and his stupid face brings back those fantasies of going on a killing spree through the sales department. You imagine Larry begging for his life in a pool of his own blood, looking at you with puppy dog eyes pleading, “What about Margaritaville? Come on Bob, we won the potato sack race together! Wastin away again in Margaritaville? Margaritaville!”

Remember when companies functioned without team building? Remember when people at your insurance agency had to wear suits and could not bring their dogs to work? Remember when you called a company and didn’t have to talk to a robot until you finally break down in tears screaming, “CUSTOMER SERVICE! CUSTOMER SERVICE! OPERATOR!” I want those days back again. No amount of egg toss will change my mind.

I watch a lot of People’s Court and the biggest crime you will see is the murder of the English language. This is not a rant against People’s Court however. I love People’s Court. I want to marry People’s Court. People’s Court is the greatest achievement mankind has known.

My complaint is not specifically with people who appear on TV courtroom shows, or this lovely couple to the left (God help us), it’s really about anyone who says “had went.” For example “I had went to 7-11 to buy my old lady a panty rose when I ran into my parole officer.” Here’s the way this works, just say “I WENT to 7-11…” or if you really want to impress people with extra words you can say “I had GONE…” OK? Simple enough right?

Here’s another odd grammatical phenomenon that seems to be spreading. More and more I keep hearing people using the word “whenever” in place of “when.” What the fuck? Stop it! Someone will say “Whenever I went to buy some crystal meth I realized I left my money in my other overalls.” NO NO NO! It should simply be “WHEN I went to buy some crystal meth…”

I just realized there must be people who say “WHENEVER I HAD WENT to buy some crystal meth…” I hate these people.

I feel like a 7 year-old on Christmas morning! Have you heard the news, the wonderful, glorious news? Crocs’ crimes against humanity may soon end thanks to their stock taking a major nosedive (-47%) after the company had to announce they wouldn’t come anywhere near their previously announced expectations for the quarter. It has been a long time since the stock market has given me a boner this hard.

I’ve already written about my disdain for these rubber pieces of shit but this morning’s gift from the universe had to be acknowledged. The Crocs CEO Ron “Satan” Snyder had this to say, “Although we made important progress reducing costs in our manufacturing and distribution platform blah blah blah fart fart fart.” Who cares?

Michael Pierce, who is a smart guy from London said “I suspect the problem at Crocs is simply that people are tired of them and do not find them as exciting as they once did.” Yes, they were once so exciting!

Another smart guy named Mitch Kummetz has the quote that made my morning, “But with the outlook as bad as it now is, the fundamentals really are that bad. We see no catalyst to reverse the trend.”

Praise Jesus!

Maddox is pretty angry too.