You just made my list!

Well, the end of the world is officially upon us, this guy is on a hit TV show.

Not only is there one “reality” show about the incredible action that takes place at the pawn shop, there is now a second show on its way to that TV of yours that one day, if you are lucky, you will be pawning on a TV show about pawn shops. The circle of life.

The first show to break the pawn cherry was “Pawn Stars” on the History channel. Wait, did I just say the History Channel? I must have accidentally said the History Channel because clearly there is no room to squeeze such a mindless show into their full lineup of Hitler-related entertainment. I mean, come ON, it’s a show about people selling their crap to buy drugs, how can it be on the History Channel?

Can’t get enough of people hocking watches and bowling balls? You are in luck because TruTV (whatever the fuck that is) is about to shove “Hardcore Pawn” down your various head holes. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see people argue over the value of uncle Eddie’s class ring!

By the way, see what they did there? Both shows had the incredibly hilarious idea to exchange the word “porn” for “pawn.” HOLY SHIT, that is rich! Now, I’m just thinking off the top of my head here, just a little brainstorming… I’m thinking Nickelodeon needs to immediately start developing “Kiddie Pawn” if they want to ride this amazing pawn wave all the way to the bank. Don’t be the only channel without a pawn shop show, Nickelodeon!

I give up.

That’s right people, you will have to survive two entire days without my hilarious and important opinions because I’m going on a road trip! If you happen to be attending the World’s Longest Yardsale look for me. I will be the one scoring awesome deals with my Jedi-like haggling abilities. “You WILL give me this Singing Bass for .25¢.”

I suggest going back through my archives and reading the last two years of my correct opinions. Wait, I’ve wasted TWO YEARS doing this? I hate myself.

Suck it.

Much like its cousins, the line beard and the soul patch, the overly trimmed beard makes me feel uneasy. There’s just something about them that says “I have secrets. I have a secret box in a secret room where I keep my secret things. Keep the fuck away from my secret box in my secret room!”

If you are planning a beard-watching vacation anytime soon might I suggest our southern states if you want to check “The Kenny Rogers” off your beard list. A good place to start is near a church or a store that sells jorts. But really, your best bet is to attend any Blue Collar Comedy Tour event. Your beardless head will spin from all the neatly trimmed beards and goatees within reach. Fight the urge to pet these magnificent creatures however! They may seem soft and cuddly but don’t forget about the box of secrets!

Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap…

That slow clap is for you, Kleenex, for having the balls to stick your middle finger up Mother Nature’s ass and say right to her face, “Fuck you bitch, you’re not the boss of me!” What’s next Kleenex? Q-tips made out out baby seal fur? HELL YEAH, fuckin’ go fuckin’ for it! BEER! (sorry, I’m still kind of amped from the 4th of July)

I will admit, I kind of hate the “green” movement. Not because of what it stands for, it stands for the RIGHT thing and we should all be more conscious about our impact on the environment, but rather I hate the way it has become the flavor-of-the-month for marketing agencies and an empty gesture made by most people. “Sure, I drive a Hummer but I also changed all the lights around the pool to compact fluorescent bulbs, so I’m doing my part.”

But come on Kleenex, disposable single-use hand towels in your home bathroom? Bravo! That’s like trying to sell “I hate America” T-shirts on September 12th. Although, this is one of the rare times I am wrong because people WILL buy this ridiculous gimmick because we (not me, you) are afraid of EVERYTHING in this country.

Kleenex will have everyone believing porn stars sneak into their bathrooms at night and jerk off all over their towels while their family safely dreams about EPCOT Center and Guitar Hero in their bedrooms. Oh, and those porn stars all have AIDS… and bird flu. Also, the birds had AIDS so they are really covering your towels in human AIDS, bird flu and bird AIDS. So if you are keeping score, that’s two AIDS and one flu. ON YOUR TOWELS!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA, STAY PERFECT!

WHOOPS! All day yesterday I thought it was Friday. Guess what I don’t do on Friday? That’s right, I don’t share my hilariously important opinions on Fridays.

So everyone loses! Well, maybe we all won.

I feel that I owe you something, so here’s further proof that God hates parkour and does his best to sterilize all who participate in it.

Happy Birthday America! You are the best and never do anything wrong!

Denny’s host: “Good morning, welcome to Denny’s, May I take your coat and top hat?”

You: “Please. We have a reservation for two at 8:30.”

Denny’s host: “Right this way sir.”

Denny’s waitress: “Good morning, would you like to start with the wine list?”

You: “That will not be necessary as we are in a bit of a hurry. The lady would like the chocolate chip pancakes with hash browns and bacon. I would like your Southwestern Sizzlin’ Skillet with white toast. Would you be kind enough to bring us two orange juice beverages as well?”

Denny’s waitress: “But of course sir. Can I start you off with a breakfast appetizer? The chef is offering Pancake Puppies this morning.”

You: “What exactly is a Pancake Puppy?”

Denny’s waitress: “Six deep-fried pancake balls filled with blueberries and white-chocolate chips, served with syrup for your dipping pleasure.”

You: “Well, that sounds like a lovely amuse bouche. We will gladly take two.”

Denny’s waitress: “Very good sir. And will the gentleman and lady be requiring dessert as well?”

You: “Delightful, yes. Please have your chef prepare his special pancake balls but this time served on top a mountain of ice cream and cover them with your finest chocolate sauce.”

Denny’s waitress: “Very good sir.”

I just had the weirdest dream. I was at Denny’s and they actually had appetizers and desserts FOR BREAKFAST! Ha ha ha, wouldn’t that be hilarious… What? Huh? NOOOOOOOO!

You want to know what keeps me up at night? (See above)

When did this shit start? Not only are they all wearing matching pants, but they all have matching genitalia crammed into those matching Walmart jeans because no man who allows this to happen has a penis.

I guess if your goal is to make everyone think your entire family works at the same electronics store this is a good idea, otherwise knock it off. Put your foot down, Steve, and say, “Gosh dang it Brenda, I told you ten times, I’m wearing my jean jacket embossed with the Coca-Cola logo and my favorite jean shorts and I really don’t give a hoot what you and the kids wear! I’m me. I’m STEVE! Steve likes his jean jackets with corduroy sleeves and Steve likes his jorts. If you need me I will be in the basement playing with Steve’s, I mean my, trains.” (Door slams… framed “Footprints in the Sand” falls to the floor and shatters like so many of Steve’s dreams.)

Steve doesn’t need this shit, not now, not like this, Brenda.