You just made my list!

When will it end?

I have been waiting for Jon Bon Jovi and his hair to go away since 1987 but somehow, like a bland zombie, he keeps eating my brains.

WAIT! STOP! Fight that urge to tell me that 80s Bon Jovi is “awesome” because “Livin’ On A Prayer” sucked then and it continues to exponentially suck now.

“But what about ‘Wanted Dead or Alive?'” you ask. It is true that riding on a steel horse and leaving no face un-rocked has a certain je ne sais quoi but, much like what we see with the Areosmith formula, any awesomeness found within “Wanted Dead or Alive” is erased by 20+ years of faces being sprayed with the shit that spews from this ass’s ass.

The summer before my senior year of high school I was super in love with this mysterious girl who moved to my town from another state, a Bon Jovi loving state. When I discovered she was a huge Jovi fan and not a fan of the flawlessly awesome music I listened to, I had to cut her loose.* Sorry baby, I’ve seen a million faces…

*She dumped me.

I seriously hate that I have to vote today. I can’t find a single politician worth my vote.

They all act like a bunch of asshole kids fighting over a broken toy. They don’t actually want to PLAY with the toy, they just want CONTROL of the toy.

The attack ads were so bad this year, I could barely watch People’s Court! Yeah, don’t FUCK with People’s Court if you want MY vote.

When did our country become so dumb? Were we always this dumb but I didn’t notice it because I was too busy listening to Van Halen and skateboarding?

So happy Voting-For-The-least-horrible-Choice day!

I don’t care how “gay” this makes me, but I hate it when girls do the “hot” Halloween costume thing.

“Oh, what are you dressed as?”

“I’m a hot Guantanamo Bay enemy combatant.”

“But you are just wearing lingerie.”

“I know, right? What’s a com-bat-ant?”

It’s not the “hot” aspect I dislike, it’s more about the lack of effort put into these whore outfits. I’ve spent the last two weeks driving around like an asshole looking for a wig and trying to find the exact right compressed air tank to accomplish my stupid costume and all these sluts have to do is show off their incredibly hot, young, tight bodies. Wait, I’m getting confused.

Here’s the deal, I think Halloween costumes are best when they are horribly uncomfortable to wear all night, either physically or emotionally. For example, my friend sent me these photos from a party she attended last night. This fucking genius deserves some sort of “Halloween Commitment To Excellence Award” for cutting and dying his hair and walking around as king douchebag Guy Fieri all night! This guy even purchased official Guy Fieri wristbands! That is serious commitment. This guy is my hero!

It just isn’t fair that this courageous man has to suffer so greatly while others just get to be slightly more slutty versions of themselves.

Who cares? Ignore me. OK assholes, have fun this weekend.

Guy Fieri… meet the female you. Wait, the female you is actually you. Um… meet a more attractive female you.

Only a few short hours ago I thought there was only one annoying, rockabilly, Swingers, loud, 1995, talentless, douchebag, rocker chef in the world. I will refer to that time of my life as “the good old days.”

Everyone, meet Nadia G, I’m sure you will be hearing a lot about her in the pages of this worthless waste-of-time I call my website.

How can I describe this bore? Mix a pound of Andrew Dice Clay with a pound of Guy Fieri and a cup of Joey from Friends. Stir in some Kat Von D, a pinch of Gwen Stefani and mix until it makes you want to rip your own face off. Words can not begin to describe how much I hate this woman and her two-bit, cartoonish Goodfellas persona!

Try to sit through this entire two minute segment without cutting your sack off, pulling it over your head and suffocating yourself.

Have you seen the new video for “The Kill” by “30 Seconds to Mars,” Jared Leto’s shit emo band? Of course you haven’t because you aren’t a 13-year-old girl. The premise is basically this… Jared Leto and his band check into a hotel with 10 suitcases of eyeliner and a desire to shit all over Kubrick’s “The Shining.” Then some screaming and intense glaring at the camera happens. Oh yeah, then Jared Leto fucks Jared Leto in a hallway.

Guess what? This post is going to suck it hard because it’s late and I’m lazy. You see, I actually had to prepare a bunch of stuff tonight for a workshop I was asked to teach about blogging. I know, RIGHT? I am so fucking awesome! I’m going to make the world’s worst/best Power Point presentation for this thing, I can’t wait. I need to track down a corduroy jacket with elbow patches ASAP!

So anyway… let’s talk a little bit about ripped up designer jeans. They are ridiculous. Can I just say that and go to bed?

Why do people want to walk around like they were just attacked by fucking piranhas? And why do they want to pay handsomely for that privilege? When did it become cool to look homeless? Sorry bro, it doesn’t make you look edgy, it just makes you look like you were dragged behind a tractor. Ahhhhh, let me hold onto that image for a while.

The people who wear this nonsense seriously need to get their shit together and think about doing something important with their lives, like teaching blogging workshops. As a professor of blogging, I have superior intelligence and can tell you, without question, that these inconsequential simpletons know not of their own deplorable demeanor. The French have a saying, “Votre pantalon est chié” which means, “Your pants are shit.” At least that’s what Babel Fish says.

What can be said about the McDonald’s “Don’t Talk To Me” coffee commercial? For starters, FUCK OFF!

It’s pointless for me to waste your time talking about what a dick head, asshole, douchebag this guy is. What really gets me about this commercial is that we, the audience, are expected to believe a lot of stupid shit for this commercial to work.

1) This turd actually found someone desperate enough to be his roommate, possibly even his friend.

2) Strangers on the street and public transportation always greet you with a warm hello. Oh boy, I hope the tall sweaty guy sits next to me, I can’t wait to wish him a good morning!

3) This guy’s sole purpose in life is to drink his fucking precious coffee, yet when he wanders into McDonald’s he has no idea they sell coffee? When presented with the opportunity to hear more about this so-called “coffee”  he acts as if the woman behind the counter just offered him a handjob. “What? You sell coffee? That’s great news, I was just walking around like a giant douchebag looking for coffee and, much to my surprise, you here at this restaurant that serves breakfast also have coffee! How do you pronounce the name of this restaurant, I might just have to tell my friend about it. Is it mock-dan-lords… mick-doogles… mac-john-john’s?”

4) Drinking coffee makes you forget the difference between a sweater and a scarf. The guy drinks one coffee on his way to a busy day of masturbating in the public library and suddenly he’s telling non-scarf-wearing girls he likes their scarves, and acts like scarf-wearing girls are wearing invisible scarves. Dick.

Talk to me.

10 easy steps to becoming a Juggalo:

1. Be white. The whiter the better. Try to be almost clear if possible.

2. Be drunk and/or high at least 65% of any given day.

3. Be so incredibly stupid that when you aren’t drunk and/or high it’s impossible to tell the difference.

4. Be poor.

5. Be shaped like a beanbag chair. Alternatively, be shockingly skinny from crystal meth abuse.

6. Have lots of free time. Don’t let bullshit like school or a job get in the way of your Juggalo activities. That fat face isn’t going to paint itself.

7. Love to braid your hair.

8. Have crooked hands. I don’t know what it is but anytime I see a photo of a Juggalo their hands and fingers are all twisted up. I wonder if this is caused by a steady diet of Faygo, off-brand beef sticks and video games.

9. Be in a wheelchair. Juggalos in wheelchairs get extra bonus points!

10. Be amazed and perplexed by magnets.

Gallery of parental failure:

“Water, fire, air and dirt. Fucking magnets, how do they work?”