I try to avoid the mall. Not because of some great protest against consumerism or because I think I’m better than mall shoppers, it’s really just that I don’t shop very often.
The last time I visited the mall I made the mistake of walking into a Hollister store, or maybe it was an Abercrombie & Fitch, and thought that I had accidentally walked into a haunted house or possibly that I had a stroke which rendered me blind. Have you been in these stupid pieces of shit? They should hand out fucking night vision goggles at the door because you can’t see a god damn thing! Apparently the easiest way to show that your store is cool(?) is to turn the lights off and watch your confused customers bump into each other like blind mice in a maze. Maybe this is a sign of being “old” but I can’t spend more than zero seconds in one of these dungeons without feeling like I am part of a sadistic experiment.
What’s the appeal of their clothing anyway? Why is everyone so happy to wear a shirt that simply says “Hollister” across the chest? I don’t fucking need to know where you purchased your shitty shirt, I can already guess. Oh, and another thing, not only can you not SEE in these stores, you also can’t BREATHE! I’m not sure if it’s the Axe Effect oozing from every douchebag in the store or if they pump in some mind controlling chemical that turns you into a dcouchebag, but either way you will find yourself crawling in the dark desperately trying to find the door.
I have always hated American Idol but this season has taken me over the edge. For some reason I keep seeing it every week. Specifically I keep catching this season’s “rocker” Adam Lambert perform, and each time I want to dig my eyes out of my skull and shove them down my ears while smashing my face through the TV. I fucking hate the fuck out of this prancing turd and his eye makeup. I would spend every penny I own (which is like 207 pennies) just to have the chance to kick him in the smooth area where his balls should be.
Music is dead. No, the music industry is dead. Everyone, including supposed indie bands, are so fucking into their look and their image now. Even a band like the Strokes, who pretend to be dirty and disheveled, spend just as much time picking out their outfits as the American Idol douchewads. Fuck everyone, what happened to awesome, ugly, dirty, sweaty bands like the Minutemen or the Replacements?
If this clip of Adam Lambert taking a shit all over Johnny Cash doesn’t make you want to go on a killing spree then you need to kindly punch yourself in your penis and/or vagina.
This is one of those subjects that fills me with so much rage that I’m not convinced I can make it through without punching my computer in the face. It does not help that it’s past midnight and I am tired from drinking.
OK, I know you have seen, or at least heard of, Mtv’s Cribs. Well now they have a new version called “Teen Cribs” that makes me want to dig a hole and bury myself alive. You might think from the title that this program visits the homes of famous teenagers like the Jonas Brothers and shows how awesome they are and how bad you suck. Believe it or not, it’s actually much worse. Teen Cribs goes to the homes of rich families who happen to have teen children. Are you following me? These are just a bunch of random rich asshole teenagers! They are not famous and they have literally achieved nothing more than being lucky enough to fall out of the vagina of a rich woman.
Who the fucking fuck wants to watch some spoiled fuck with unruly hair take you on a tour of their parent’s mansion? No wonder this country is about to implode!
OK, here’s the deal. I have a few sites all running on the same server and due to my awesomeness I am starting to overwork the computer machine. You see, the internet is a series of tubes and… forget it, you can’t possibly understand. Anyway, it has made working on the site difficult BUT the complaining will resume Monday!!!
In the meantime, here’s a funny story. In high school I was dating a girl over the summer who moved to my town from Texas. About a week after school started I took her on a date to Fuddruckers. Nothing says “class” and “romance” like a 4lb cheeseburger. So as I’m taking my first bite she tells me that she’s dumping me. Couldn’t she have waited until after I ate my giant burger? Or here’s an idea, tell me BEFORE we get to Fuddruckers and I spend my lawn mowing money on your sorry ass. The best part however is that she casually told me she was breaking up with me because I was not popular enough. Let me tell you, that was a feel-good moment.
Not popular enough? ME?!?
Oh yeah, well I’m so popular now that I’m crashing servers! I’m too popular for technology to even fucking handle it!
When I reread this I realize she made the right choice.
It is not going to be easy getting through this without vomiting.
I hate hippies. Everyone hates hippies. The only thing worse than a hippie is a hippie with dreadlocks. Ew, a little barf just came up. By definition dreads are disgusting. They are born from neglect and filth (on white people). HOWEVER, somehow it works on real Rasta dudes. BLACK Rasta dudes! It’s an entirely different story when Brad from Cinnabon lets his disgusting hair brush against your cinnamon roll. Sure, Brad loves Sublime and owns Bob Marley’s Greatest Hits on CD and MP3 but he’s hardly “jammin.” Now get me another cinnamon roll you smelly hippie and this time keep that shitty hair of yours out of my delicious icing! You know what Brad, forget it, I don’t even want a cinnamon roll anymore, in fact I may never eat again.
Ironically, these white dirt bags attempt to give off this “hey man whatever” vibe when in reality they are thinking, “hey man look at me, I’m cool, I’m different, do you think I’m cool, I’m in your face, me me me love me.”
If my kid ever tried to pull this shit I would ship him off to Jamaica to live in a tenement yard in Trenchtown.
Does the fact that I can barely stomach to be within 100 feet of teenagers mean I’m getting old or does it mean that most teenagers are annoying and I’m awesome? I have to admit that I know some cool teens but they have got to be in the top 1% of their peers. I’m sure I was super annoying to be around too so I’m not cutting myself any slack on this one. The difference between “teenage me” and this tool is that I have never been one of those people who are completely unaware of their surroundings. This kid on the other hand thinks the world stops about half an inch from his scrawny body. Hey kid, got your fucking nerd-fro out of my face and move out of my way so I can get my double cheeseburger and large root beer! And while you’re at it, learn the inner workings of the classic line system whereby one individual waits behind another in an orderly fashion, each with the same goal.
Have you ever just hated someone from the second you saw them? Well, that was this kid for me. He’s probably awesome if you get to know him. I’m just kidding, I’m sure he still sucks.
