You just made my list!

I like sports as much as the next guy* but come on bros, give your sports boner a rest for 5 minutes.

We get it, you’re a dude, you’re a man, you like beer and you pee standing up. In fact you are such a man that you usually just pee on the floor while crushing a beer can on your forehead. Jeeze, are these guys really so insecure about looking “gay” that they have to get their hair cut at a Hooters?

Plus, have you seen these places? I think they are decorated by the person who did the set decoration for “Saved by the Bell.” You know how the hallways of Bayside were always plastered with crooked posters that said things like “Football Game Tonight” or “School Dance,” well it’s the same, cartoonish atmosphere in these man-a-toriums. SportClips is to sports what The Peach Pit was to diners.

You know how I know you are gay? You get your hair cut at SportClips.

*This is a totally false statement. I guarantee that I like sports much less than the next guy, unless that guy is Austin Scarlett.

Blah blah blah, I blew off writing tonight. So in place of my passionate rant about something important, here’s a fellow ranter acting like a psycho.

For the record, I know this is old news but I just saw it for the first time tonight.

Are you in a wacky improv group but just don’t know how to convey how hilarious you are in your promo photo? I am here to help with a few tips.

1) Forget everything you know about what adults find funny. Remember in 2nd or 3rd grade when sticking your tongue out in a photo was considered edgy? Well guess what motherfucker… IT STILL IS! Make a funny face, crank your jaw to the side, cross your eyes and bend your fingers all silly like. This technique is know as the “Stephen Hawking” and its power to illustrate wackiness should not be underestimated.

2) If you want to get a little more advanced have a couple members give a “sexy” look. This works best when delivered by the most overweight male or female in your group.

3) Suits! Yeah, suits are funny. Why? Because it’s unexpected! People expect you to be in jeans and t-shirts so you go ahead and turn their world upside down by doing the opposite. Think about it, Carrot Top in a tie-dye tank top… funny, Carrot Top in a suit… I think you get my point.

4) James Bond finger guns. It’s simple really, just imitate your favorite James Bond poster but use your fingers as guns. I know, right? People will be like “What?” and then they will start peeing their pants.

5) This one is NOT optional. Any successful impov group knows to ALWAYS climb all over each other in their promotional photo. Really get in there and fight for it like your job at Best Buy depends on it. Stretch those arms and legs like crazy until the whole group looks like some sort of rollicking comical octopus. Holy shit, I’m laughing just picturing it.

It’s that easy, just ask these guys.

Shit, where will I buy my fanny packs and shiny disco leggings now?

Ironic hipsters and flat-chested teen runaways (AKA future American Apparel models) the world over are freaking out because dressing like a fucking asshole is about to get a little harder. Seems that Dov Charney’s business model of sitting around masturbating all day and rehashing every fashion mistake of the 80s is not working out too well.

You’d think a company that sells satin jackets and features vaginal penetration in their ads would be around longer.

Bye bye now.

Look at me I’m skiing! Oh wait, I guess I’m just walking… like a douchebag.

Sure, walking is pretty extreme on its own, but add some fucking ski poles and suddenly you’re the (insert name of famous skier here because I don’t know any) of the neighborhood walking club. With enough practice, you might even make the Olympic walking-around-the-suburbs team!

One time, I was Nordic pole walking and I saw this deep crevasse up ahead. I mean this thing was at least 4 inches deep and a foot across! I was thinking maybe I should pole my way across the street, you know for my own safety, but something in me said, “Go for it, fucking go for it dude.” So I approached the gaping crevasse without fear because I had my poles! I approached the edge of the great hole, sweat pouring into my eyes, and planted my poles. Suddenly it was as if I was weightless and I found myself sailing over the abyss. I’ve never felt so free!

Unfortunately, I misjudged my jump and fell on my face. I was so mad because I ripped my best walking pants. Stupid poles.

Fuck me.

From as far back as 2008, the entertainment world has been clamoring to find a talent impressive and worthy enough to appear side-by-side with the always impressive Guy Fieri. Well, I don’t know how they did it or what kind of crazy backroom deals went down but they finally found a personality to rival the great Fieri. I am speaking, of course, of the Aflac duck.

Not since Lennon & McCartney, Scorsese & De Niro, Bert & Ernie or Zack Morris & A.C. Slater has the world seen such magical chemistry explode all over its face from an on-screen duo. Imagine if David Lee Roth and Jesus Christ formed a band… Yeah, it’s THAT good.

I have to admit, I never thought I would ever see anyone match the staggering charisma of Sir Guy Fieri but that duck manages to somehow hold his own and, dare I say it, he even manages to out-act Fieri in a few scenes. I know, I know, it’s sacrilege to suggest anyone’s talent could equal Fieri’s but please understand, I’m not saying Guy Fieri wasn’t brilliant in this commercial, I merely have to give credit to the duck for a truly brave performance.

Hey Guy, Billy Idol called and he wanted to let you know the Stray Cats called and they want their bowling shirts back.

Where do you turn when you need a boring white guy to act opposite a dog? Tom Hanks. But what if he’s too busy and not quite bland enough… call The Belush!

What’s that you say, you need to film a scene where a dog and a salt-of-the-earth tow truck driver put on sunglasses and play the harmonica to get out of a dicey situation? BELUSHI! You need your leading man to share a slice of deep dish pizza with a slobbering dog? BELUSHI! Your dream scene is a man and a dog getting drunk together at a bowling alley? BELUSHI!

Don’t believe me? Well then I would ask you to direct your attention to Jimbo’s resume, which includes…
K-9
Dog’s Best Friend
K-911
Snow Dogs
K-9: P.I.
What’s New Scooby Doo
Underdog
Snow Buddies

Oh shit, that’s right, I forgot to mention that Belushi can also PLAY a dog! You can send me the bill for cleaning your carpet and painting the walls because I know I just blew your mind all over the fucking room.

If you have a ponytail and a strong opinion about graphic novels, I’m guessing you are currently home alone fondling your Fushigi Balls. There is also a 37% chance a cassette tape of the Dr. Demento show is currently playing in the background and your penis has not known the pleasure of a vagina.

If you are like me, you are incredibly good-looking and wondering, “What is ‘contact juggling’ and this so-called ‘Fushigi Ball?'” The answer is simple… who cares, let’s go listen to Shout at the Devil and drink beer!

Fine. Contact juggling is juggling but without all the juggling. You happy?

But what is a Fushigi Ball? Is it magic, does it defy gravity? The answer is yes, if you are easily confused by mirrors! For the rest of us, Fushigi Ball is simply a fucking clear ball with a fucking chrome ball inside. When combined with contact juggling, Fushigi Ball can create the illusion of a ball that… um… a ball that appears to… well… fuck, I don’t know, it looks like a ball!

“Hey mom. Fushigi, I like don’t know what it is but it’s the coolest thing ever and I can do it. Also I’m pregnant again.”