I’m bored, I have to pack for a trip and I don’t really feel like writing. According to some people I should probably just give up. I think they might be right. Blogging is almost as dumb as twitter-ing or whatever it’s called.

This idiot called me an idiot. I’m going on a road trip!

I’m awesome!

Today while waiting in line at a local eatery I felt a creepy presence behind me and I knew, without even turning around, my personal space had been entered. He entered my little personal universe and ruined it! By the way, I love the word eatery, I like that it turns a verb into a noun. I’m going to start referring to all places like that from now on – i.e. the bathroom will now be known as “the poopery.”

Sorry. The worst part about this space invader is that at the time I was checking my email on my phone and this turd was literally only a foot behind me and possibly looking over my shoulder. I stepped forward but he followed as if we were attached by an invisible creepy rope. I closed my email, opened up the little iPhone notepad and wrote “people who violate my personal space.” I hope he read it.

Let me set the scene for you…

You are waiting in a long line at a restaurant. Well, actually more like a local hot dog or burger joint that is always busy. It’s a long line that holds more people than the amount of seating in the restaurant. To the untrained eye, the eye of a selfish prick for example, it seems almost certain that you will get your food but will be unable to find an open table at which to feed your fat face. So it looks like you have a real problem on your hands. Oh my god, what should you do, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?

I’ll tell you what normal people do, they wait in line, get their food and sit at the table that inevitably opens up just in time. Now the amateur, or “asshole,” will choose a different path, a darker path. They will rip apart the fabric that holds society together. These jerks will send a member of their group to save a table although they still have a good 10 minutes of line to wait in. I have two words for these people… go-fuck-yourself-you-table-saving-buttholes.

As soon as you jump the line to save a table you throw the entire symbiotic relationship of the people waiting and the people eating. In these types of restaurants the crowd generally eats quickly and leaves which means by the time you get your food a table will be waiting for you. But these selfish jerks fuck it up for everyone. They create panic and discord in the herd. They need to be stopped.

The real reason this gets me so red in the face is not so much that I am worried I will not find a table, rather it’s just another case of my fellow man acting selfish and remaining unaware that other people exist. Just wait your turn like everyone else.

WOW, did I ever just witness something! I didn’t even realize the Smashing Pumpkins were still a band when I was offered a free ticket (a very good ticket) tonight. I figured it would at least be decent. It’s their 20th anniversary and I live in Chicago, their friggin’  hometown.

Instead, myself and a thousand other EXTREMELY patient fans were treated to the most bloated, self-indulgent, egomaniacal, boring, never-ending guitar solo, jamming, noodle fest. This was big baby Billy Corgan’s official “fuck you” to the people who supported him for 20 years. He was downright rude and unbelievably arrogant throughout the entire concert. We had to suffer through 30-minute songs and 15-minute guitar solos. The audience was given thumbs down by Billy when he asked us to sing “Today” and apparently it wasn’t to his liking. Billy proclaimed himself to be the “king of rock and roll” and “the god of metal” and then challenged us to “die for rock and roll.” Fuck off. We had to watch him play the fucking kettle drums for 15 minutes before they finally ended the show with a chorus of Kazoos. Ha ha, fuck you audience! They refused to play any recognizable songs. When the audience became restless, Billy said “Last time I checked we were an alternative band.” Check again Billy, you are playing an expensive show in one of the swankiest theaters in the country and the audience is made up of 40 year olds who arrived from the suburbs in minivans.

I’m not a super fan so I actually thought it was entertaining to watch Billy act like a big baby all night but I genuinly felt bad for the people who paid a lot of money to watch a rich kid have a temper tantrum. It was the most ridiculous concert I have ever seen.

Hey, you know what could make this long line go faster? Listening to you complain about it for 20 minutes!

We all feel the same way when we open the door at the post office and see a long line. One of two words is usually whispered at this point, one begins with an F and the other an S. I go with the classic F-word but then I get over it and wait like everyone else.

But there is a different breed of person out there whose sole purpose on earth is to make an already long line feel even longer with constant sighs and groans. They shift from foot to foot and dramatically look down the line in an attempt to understand how there could POSSIBLY be a line at the post office 5 days before Christmas. They fold their arms while they huff and puff over this tragedy against mankind.

Oh no, it does not stop there does it. These annoying turds have one more trick up their sleeves and this is what really gets my blood boiling. These assholes love to try and draw everyone into some sort of customer revolt. They start to say things like, “can you believe this” or “this is ridiculous, why don’t they hire more people?” They assume just because you are stuck in the same line you will agree to join the killing spree they are planning. Look guy, I just want to mail these Star Wars figures to the guy who won them on Ebay, I don’t need to join your militia.

One time, while waiting in line for a rental car, this guy in line was losing his shit to the point where he drafted a crazy person petition and asked all of us to sign it. I have no idea what we would have been agreeing to exactly, but obviously everyone ignored him. I should also mention that we only waited in this line for approximately 6-8 minutes. I’m surprised we all lived through such hell!

I see the obvious irony in complaining about other people complaining so shut up.

Well it’s official, I hate everyone in modern society. PBS is going to stop syndicating one of the all-time best children’s programs, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, because of “declining ratings.” A spokesperson for PBS had this to say, “I’m a big fat asshole, and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

Let’s get one thing straight (3 things actually), Fred Rogers rules as a person, as an educator and as a TV host. He was more than a host really. He created the show, wrote the scripts, wrote all the songs and even did the voices of the puppets, for 33 years! Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood was a labor of love and all kidding aside I think Fred Rogers was an incredibly great man. The world needs more people like him.

I guess I’m so pissed because here’s another example of how our society has changed for the worse. Kids need to practically have a seizure from bright colors and flashing bullshit or they won’t watch a TV show. You know what, that’s not true. Kids have not changed but what they are exposed to has. I loved – LOVED – Mr. Rogers when I was a kid and I know for a fact he helped shape me into the person I am today. OK, maybe I shouldn’t use myself as an example of a Mr. Rogers success story but he must have helped some other people grow into normal, happy people.

You know what PBS, Fred Rogers was there for you when the government was going to cut your funding in half. In fact he saved your nerd asses with a simple 7 minute speech to a Senate subcommittee in 1969. How about you repay the favor and keep this amazing, timeless show on the air.

SAVE MR. ROGERS’ NEIGHBORHOOD by clicking here

Watch this clip and tell me this guy doesn’t rule.

First of all, I worked in a restaurant for two years and I know first hand how INCREDIBLY difficult and stressful it can be. Working in a busy restaurant sucks giant hairy ass because every time you start your shift you know the next 8 hours are guaranteed to be total chaos. EVERY DAY!

So anyway, I went to lunch at a nice-ish restaurant with two coworkers (fuck you, yes I have a job) and a couple of us ordered the tortilla soup appetizer. What we received looked more like orange chili or maybe this, but OK not a big deal. Before the first spoonful touched my lips I already smelled something suspect but I like to live on the edge so into my mouth it went. YUMMY, soapy bleach, just like mom used to make when she wanted me to slowly die! I took another small bite and it was clear something had gone horribly wrong with this soup. I asked my friend is she felt the same way and of course she did because it tasted like hobo’s armpit.

We quietly discussed the possibility of sending the soup back but didn’t want to be dicks. Ultimately we decided it needed to be sent back but unfortunately our waitress refused to check back with us. I think she saw us discussing the soup and was avoiding us. Finally she stopped by with our sandwiches and in my shyest, most polite voice I said “I’m sorry, I know you are going to think we are crazy but this soup does not taste right. I really think there is something wrong with it.”

Her reaction? She stared at us like we just said “I think this soup is evil, it’s stealing our thoughts.” All she said was a long, sarcastic “O Kaaaaaaaaaay” before removing the bowls of poison soup. Here’s the thing, even if we WERE dicks and the soup was JUST FINE she still should have said “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Let me take these from you and check with the chef.” Then she can go into the kitchen and flip us off or spit in our food but to our face at least PRETEND to give a shit.

She never said sorry once. Well, that’s not entirely true, when dropping off the check she lazily said “again, I’m sorry about the soup.” Again? Again? Too late to start working for that tip.

I realize this long boring story about my soup seems trivial but I just fucking hate people in the service industry who treat you like shit when you are being VERY polite to them. I don’t care if you hate your job, most people do, deal with it. I have worked some HORRIBLE jobs but I never took it out on the customer, it wasn’t their fault that I was too stupid to get a good job.

Be like me, I am perfect.

I have never wanted to see a crane collapse as much as when I stare into the soulless faces of these jerks. How bored do you have to be to pay something like $20,000 to eat while hanging from a fucking crane? You will not find a human being on this planet who is more bored than me and yet I somehow have avoided calling “Dinner in the Sky” to come hoist my lazy ass 150 feet in the air for a little fine dining while strapped to a chair like a turd. YAY, now you have a lame story to tell all your lame friends down at the country club.

If I didn’t know this was real I would assume it was an internet gag. The best part? Here’s the first item on their FAQ page…

“Toilet Facilities – It’s like in a normal restaurant: you ask where they are to the waiter and… you go down. It’s just a bit less discreet because the whole table goes down but it takes less than a minute.”

It’s not going to take less than a minute if it’s me who’s using the toilet facilities. “Hey everyone, I know you all paid like a million dollars to eat up in the sky so all the poor people could watch but I need to take this bitch down for a sec. I REALLY have to shit you guys. Sorry but I am touching cloth over here. Very expensive cloth.”

Hey rich jerks, YOU WON ALREADY! You don’t need to prove it by eating from a crane for all to see.