You just made my list!

Full disclosure …..I am drunk.

Wow, what a day it has been! so much talk of pee and poop and balls. I am overwhelmed by the care and detail given to the subject of peeing while sitting. I now know what it is like to win an Oscar.

So (thanks to beer) I would like to say that I am so impressed, and sometimes intimidated, by the readers and commentors on this website. Your comments are often better than my lame attempts at humor or social commentary or whatever it is I do here. To be honest, it kind of pisses me off when I read comments that are better than what I wrote. Only sort of though.

Really I am proud that, for the most part, the people who waste their time reading my bullshit are so smart and funny. When I write a post I feel genuine fear and pressure to deliver something good because I know most of you guys are funny and smart. Writing does not come naturally to me so writing each night can be a daunting task. (I wish you could see how hard spellcheck is working to keep me on track right now). I would like to point out that the recent comments on my scrubbing bubbles post are not included in the “smart” category.

The point is, I just want to say (thanks to being a happy drunk) I genuinely really appreciate you guys for wasting your time reading my bullshit. I’m only saying this because I’m drunk, starting Monday I will be calling you all idiots again.

(for the record, it took me approximately one million hours to write this)

I’m awesome! FUCK YOU!

Yeah, that’s right, I’m a man and I pee sitting down. Deal with it!

It all started in high school when I realized I could sneak an extra 15 seconds of sleep if I took a little pee-nap on the toilet during my morning piss. It was these brief, relaxing moments that led to my impressive pee-sitting career.

Soon I began to notice all of the advantages to lounging while peeing. Without the distraction of standing and aiming my stream into the bowl, my mind was free to contemplate important issues. Let’s do the math… If I pee-sit 2 times a day for an average of 15 seconds per session (not including pee/poop combos) and multiply that by the approximate number of days I have been a pee-sitter (about 9,490) we are talking about 79 hours and 8 minutes of free mind time. That’s 3.29 days! And where did I figure this all out, on the toilet while peeing of course.

The next advantage of sitting while peeing is the reduction of piss noise. This usually only comes into play when you have guests or while you are a guest at a friend’s house that has one of those annoying bathrooms placed right near the action, like just off the kitchen where everyone is hanging out. Guess what, I don’t want you to hear my powerful racehorse pee stream as much as I don’t want to hear your piss splashing all over the place. Nobody needs to hear that while trying to enjoy a delicious nacho a mere few feet away.

But even without the relaxing, brainstorming and reduced noise, pee-sitting is worth its weight in gold for this reason alone… it’s neater! I don’t mean neater as in “OMG, that’s so neat,” I’m talking about reducing the amount of human piss that splashes all over your bathroom. When a man takes a leak standing up I would estimate about 1% of the pee ends up out of the bowl. Only 1%? What’s the big deal? If you ask me, even one drop of piss out of the bowl is too much!

Now, let me very clear about this, I do not pee siting down in a public bathroom. Public bathrooms are standing room only, hence the huge amount of piss covering every surface.

OK go ahead, start calling me names, I know you are dying to, but I can tell you this, tonight I sleep soundly in a home free of wayward piss.

I am proud to be a pee-sitter!

A good friend stayed with me last night on his way through town and I’m not going to lie, I chose beer and male bonding over blogging.

Cheers!

That’s right people, you will have to survive two entire days without my hilarious and important opinions because I’m going on a road trip! If you happen to be attending the World’s Longest Yardsale look for me. I will be the one scoring awesome deals with my Jedi-like haggling abilities. “You WILL give me this Singing Bass for .25¢.”

I suggest going back through my archives and reading the last two years of my correct opinions. Wait, I’ve wasted TWO YEARS doing this? I hate myself.

Suck it.

Sorry guys. I know last week was lame so I had a full week of good stuff to rant about but I have to attend to a family matter for a couple days so I will hopefully be back and complaining Tuesday morning.

WHOOPS! All day yesterday I thought it was Friday. Guess what I don’t do on Friday? That’s right, I don’t share my hilariously important opinions on Fridays.

So everyone loses! Well, maybe we all won.

I feel that I owe you something, so here’s further proof that God hates parkour and does his best to sterilize all who participate in it.

Happy Birthday America! You are the best and never do anything wrong!

I’m writing this from my phone because Comcast is shoving the internet up its own ass! I’ve been without an internet connection for over 14 hours now and it’s seriously cramping my style. How will I keep up with every single cute thing my Facebook friends’ kids say? Don’t even get me started on an ENTIRE DAY without porn! I hate you Comcast, I want my porn back!

Whoops. I accidentally went to see Mexican midgets wrestle last night. The sad result of this “situation” is no brilliant post today.

I am sort of sorry.