Have you seen this banner ad online yet? I see it, plus other variations, all the time and it just does not sit well with me. It makes me want to shower. My brain wants desperately to figure out which photo is “before” and which is “after” but all I see is before and more before. I have been waking up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat, screaming “BEFORE! BEFORE!”
I did a little nosing around about this ad and the site “cathysteeth.com” that it advertises. Turns out there are about 100 variations of this “mom’s blog” all telling the same story but from the beautiful white mouths of different fake moms. Just google the following sentence and you will see what I mean…
I discovered a two-product combination that works better than anyone could have expected
I used to just hate the ad because it made me physically ill, but now I hate it because it’s just another example of people trying to scam each other. Fuck everyone. Not you though, you are my favorite.
Does this piece of shit commercial only run in Chicago? If you have not seen it, I apologize in advance for ruining your day. I might even be ruining the joy of cooking a meal that ends with a playful food fight with your lover, and I know how much you love that.
The level of fake fun in this Luna commercial is excruciating! If given the choice of kicking either Guy Fieri or this spatula-singing fuckface in the balls, I would seriously have to think about it for several minutes before kicking them both in the nuts and acting like I misunderstood the question.
I’m sorry.
While doing my “research” I discovered that Luna has been around for a long time. Although I grew up in the Chicago area I have never seen these gems. They almost make up for the “Free Flooring” cock-licker.
FUCK! I spent the last 9 months cleansing the brain space that had previously been invaded by “We Like to Party” by the Vengaboys but thanks to a new round of annoying Six Flags commercials it’s right back in there.
I know I already wrote about Six Flags and their mind-numbing commercials that seem to run during EVERY SINGLE commercial break but the gates of hell have opened once again, only this time Mr. Six is actually speaking. It makes me very uncomfortable and I want it to stop as soon as it starts, sort of like an inappropriate hug from a step uncle. On a side note, I just googled “step uncle” to see if it was one word or two and discovered this insanity…
“I have a freind [sic] who is dating her step uncle, they are not related by blood at all, but is it right? because i feel i should advise my freind [sic] on this!”
“Step uncle-step niece relationships are not prohibited under Leviticus 18 in and of itself. As long as, they are of age I don’t see the problem.”
I’m sorry for my lack of focus but what the hell?
OK, what was I talking about? Who cares. I also saw that Mr. Six is on Twitter which reminds me, follow me on Twitter if you want to ruin your day, possibly week.
God, this is the worst site on the internet, why are you still bothering with me?
Admittedly, this is sort of a cop-out post because I’m in the middle of a huge project and don’t have a ton of time for “blogging.” God damn I hate the term “blogging!” Even though this is a short post it is still brilliantly awesome and you should bow before me for finding the time to squeeze it out of my brain hole.
Here are two commercials that have been making me insane lately. One makes me insane with rage while the other practically gives me a boner from how awesomely awesome it is.
Let me start with the one I hate. I’m sure you have seen this commercial for “Rhythm Heaven” on the Nintendo DSi Featuring Beyonce. First of all, what the hell is the point of this game? As far as I can tell, the goal is to slowly become retarded. I hate when people call things retarded but in this case I literally think this game might make you retarded. Wait, is Beyonce actually retarded and I’m being incredibly insensitive?
If I’m ever having a bad day all I have to do is watch this commercial for finallyfast.com and the world seems beautiful again. Specifically the part with the video game kid! Oh sweet lord I love him! I fear him, but I love him. Seriously mom, get this kid a faster connection because he has a certain “shooting-up-the-high-school” vibe to him.
Here’s my challenge, my Pepsi challenge if you will… give me way less money, say $500,000, and I will design a new logo for Pepsi that kicks the sissy ass of this piece of shit. In fact, Pepsi could simply pay me $250,000 and I will save them about 40 million in rebranding by telling them to stick with their old/better logo. After I cash the check for $250K I would tell them their cola tastes like ass! Ass and sugar. It will be such an awesome burn because what are they gonna do, I already cashed the check (and waited for it to clear).
I will never understand why a company feels the urge to constantly spend millions and millions to simply tweak their logo in a misguided attempt to make it “hip” and “edgy.” It is extremely rare that this rebranding will end up superior to the existing identity. The only successful rebranding that comes to mind is FedEx.
These Pepsi jerks should learn a lesson from Coca-cola and 1) stay consistent and burn that logo into our minds for 100 years so we see it in our sleep and 2) make their drink taste more awesome and less like liquid balls. I realize this implies I know what balls taste like, well I do, they taste like Pepsi.
Can’t I just buy these Funyuns in peace? I’m already freaked out by being left alone in line, do I really need to have Rachel Ray scream a panini recipe in my face while I wait to check out? Can’t I just fill up my tank without having clips of “Two and a Half Men” forced upon me? Can’t I ride in uncomfortable silence in this elevator rather than listen to the latest gossip about Sarah Jessica Parker’s troubled marriage?
Now, if they were to play People’s Court on these ever-present TVs I would be overjoyed! Yes, put a TV playing People’s Court on every surface I see. I want to see Judge Marilyn Milian’s face smiling back at me when I’m peeing in a public restroom. I want to see the tough but lovable bailiff Douglas McIntosh on my ceiling when I hop into bed at the end of a long day. When my eyes are closed I want to hear the deep, sexy voice of Curt Chaplin delivering difficult but fair questions in the halls of People’s Court. Oh, and how could I leave out that beautiful son of a bitch Harvey Levin? I want that motherfucker permanently implanted onto the back of my eyelids. I want People’s Court on one eyelid and TMZ on the other!
My complaint about the FreeCreditReport.com “Pirate” commercial is really a back-handed compliment I guess. That fucking song gets stuck in my head and hangs out in there well past its welcome. The party has cleared, the music has been turned off, I’m doing dishes and that stupid jingle is still hanging out on my brain couch. Leave already you dick!
I have every word of this commercial memorized and often find myself humming it. It used to only happen just after seeing the ad but now it will pop into my head at all hours of the day or night. Weather permitting, I ride a scooter and due to the lack of radio and my borderline OCD brain I will often have one song loop over and over in my mind for an entire 2 hour ride. Sadly I will catch myself singing “They say a man should always dress for the job he wants, so why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant…” over and over until I force another song in my head.
In case you care, which you don’t, the guy in the commercial is some Canadian singer/songwriter/actor named Eric Violette. I’m guessing poor Eric gets recognized and then promptly punched in the balls at least 4 times daily. That’s an average of 2 punches per ball, per day.
