You just made my list!

Fuck you.

Chef Daniel Angerer wants you to know he’s cool and the only way he could think to convince you is to milk his wife like a cow and start churning titty milk into boob cheese. Keep your disgusting hooter cheese to yourself, you douche.

The female breast is meant to be soaked with icy water and judged in Mexican bars, not used as an Easy Cheese can. God made boobs so young girls have a way to acquire beads and T-shirts, he never intended them to be used as nacho cheese fountains.

On his blog, Angerer rambles on about some hippie bullshit and wanting to donate his wife’s excess milk to Haiti, but somehow that morphed into sweater cheese. This guy craves attention even more than I do!

Yeah that’s right, I said onion rings! Bring it on motherfuckers!

I’m really getting tired of these asshole onion rings walking around like they are God’s gift to fast food. We have all been bamboozled by these greasy jerks for too long and it’s time someone took a stand! This is your cue to use that annoying voice of yours to quietly say to the computer, “Who do you think you are? I like onion rings.” Do you ever listen to yourself? Let me tell you something, you THINK you like onion rings. You don’t.

First of all, what makes these jerks so expensive? When did onions become the Cristal Champagne of vegetables? It’s not even a vegetable, what the hell is it? Why is a giant basket of french fries half the price of these six pathetic pieces of crap you just brought me?

Secondly, It would be nice to bite into an onion ring without hot air shooting into my mouth. I feel like I’m giving a jet engine a blowjob. I’m hungry now, onion rings, I don’t want to wait two hours to eat you.

And another thing, it sure is nice to have that slimy onion booger flop out of the batter on the first bite leaving me looking like an idiot holding my empty ring. Nice teamwork onion.

Before you start pissing your panties with anger, consider this… battered and fried onions DO taste awesome BUT the ring format must be put to rest. I suggest we all switch to onion CHIPS!

I am right, I know everything.

Are you tired of cracking eggs in your mouth and eyes? Are you sick of cracking eggs with a shovel? Do the simplest tasks cause you great anxiety because you are such a fucking moron? Not anymore. Introducing the EZ Cracker egg cracking robot!

I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to crack an egg by chucking it against the wall, only to be disappointed by an omelette filled with dangerous shells. For a brief period in the early 1990s I would crack most of my eggs by running them over with a rented Home Depot truck but even THAT didn’t work. At least it gave me a good excuse to enjoy the many grunge radio stations programmed into the truck’s radio. I would wake up around noon, brush my long hair, tie a flannel shirt around my waist and mosh my way to the driveway for another attempt at making a delicious ham and cheese omelette.

To add insult to injury, I would be forced to listen to Eddie Vedder and Chris Cornell scream “I’m going hungry” while attempting to crack open eggs in my rented pickup. If only the fucking EZ Cracker existed in 1992!

Hey, who took a dump in my burrito?

Just when I thought it was impossible to make wraps suck any more, McDonald’s has decided to shove a Big Mac up my wrap hole. I’m picturing the people in charge of developing new “food” at McDonald’s slumped in their chairs and just sort of lazily tossing crap from the garbage onto a table and saying “Um, I don’t know, I guess I would eat it if I was forced to. Steve, what do you think? I’m too drunk to care.” What’s next? Big Mac milkshake? Just toss some chocolate chips on that sucker – BOOM – meat cookies!

I also really love it when food brags that it’s made from FOOD! Congratulations Big Mac, your beef is made from beef. Way to go Easy Cheese, you’re made from cheese. Honestly though, I think most Americans would be just as happy to eat a Big Mac if it advertised “Made with some meat.”

Ba da ba ba ba, I have violent diarrhea!

Have you ever seen anything more disgusting than former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins posing nude without being airbrushed in Photoshop? I seriously think I’m going to be sick. I had no idea a human being could be so grotesque!

I caught this vapid idiot bragging about her achievement in humility on some morning talk show and I immediately flew into a rage hurricane and spilled Count Chocula all over my favorite Barenaked Ladies T-shirt.

The best part about this madness is that she’s doing this to promote The Butterfly Foundation, which is “dedicated to changing the culture, policy and practice in the prevention and treatment of eating disorders.” In other words, this incredibly skinny supermodel posed “nude” in a professional studio with professional lighting and professional styling to make girls with eating disorders feel better about their shitty bodies. That’s like playing golf with Tiger Woods to make yourself feel better about your own golf skills, or watching Tiger Woods fuck porn stars to make yourself feel better about the slobs you go home with. (My hilarious comedy is topical!)

I mean, take a look at these photos of Jennifer Hawkins naked and tell me if it makes you feel more confident about that nightmare you call your body. Not to mention the fact that she’s so skinny she could wear a wristwatch as a belt. With all those ribs popping out you’d think she was an American Apparel model. If I was a young girl I would start barfing up every meal too.

Why am I so smart?

Congratulations Bud Light, you made a beverage that technically is drinkable. (slow clap)

Let’s not waste any time debating whether or not Bud Light is, in fact, drinkable. Clearly it is not. It’s one small step above poison and one giant leap below walrus diarrhea. Instead, I would like to discuss the saddest tag line in the history of advertising.

Bud Light is essentially saying to you “Hey, at least you can drink it without dying.” Let me ask you this tough guy, would you feel confident eating at a restaurant who proudly boasted “Jimbo’s Pizza, it’s edible.” How about “Potato Town, our food can safely be crammed down your throat.” Perhaps you would buy a car from Ford if they proclaimed “Basically it pretty much drives.”

The real question is, what the fuck are you doing drinking Bud Light in the first place? Why bother drinking at that point? I’m embarrassed for you, broski.

I quit. I will never try to do anything again.

I found out last week, thanks to a hard-hitting article on Yahoo, that apples are bad for me. Yeah, that’s right, fucking APPLES are going to kill me. Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning?

Apparently apples are covered in pesticides and washing them does next to nothing to remedy that little problem. The pesticides are designed to stick to the fruit in the rain, so you have to either peel your apple or wash it in some hippie fruit cleaner to make it safe to eat. Fuck that, I’m going to fill my fat face hole with pork rinds until I die.

Why do any of us bother to do anything? You just can’t win in a world where apples are bad for you and Wild Hogs is a successful movie. Guy Fieri walks the earth with his God damn sunglasses on the back of his fat neck but John Lennon is dead? We live in a world where apples will poison you and the Kardashians are rich and famous!

I’m going to kill myself. I’ll start by eating some apples.

Wraps. Fuck you.