You just made my list!

I know you have had a rough week with God going on yet another killing spree, nabbing Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman and Paul Gray (Slipknot) with his greedy cloud hands, but I am afraid I have more bad news… I am taking a week off. I’m going to be away from computer machines for most of the week so unless you want me to call you personally for an over-the-phone rant, I will not be able to share my important opinions with you. I know it will be difficult but I believe in you and know you will be able to make it one week without me.

Please do not visit any other so-called websites in my absence.

Fart.

Calm down nerds, I’m not talking about your glasses, I’m talking about the fact that for the first time in my life I need glasses.

I was always so proud of my perfect 20/20 vision and could often be found challenging people to read faraway signs. After they would give up and fail miserably I would arrogantly say “It says #1 Golden House of Chop Suey” and shake my finger at their weak, inferior eyes. Well, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA FUCKING HA, joke’s on me this time because I, your hero, found out today that I need glasses. Now I’m going to be just like the rest of you pathetic four-eyed nerdlingers.

The thing that really pisses me off is that my right eye is perfectly fine but my left eye is a lazy cocksucker asshole. Way to go douchebag eye!

I’m pretty sure the blinding rage I felt while watching the Lost finale last night did, in fact, blind me.

There are times in life when we must balance comfort with money. Often times one’s financial situation wins this battle and you find a can of Milwaukee’s Best pressed up against your lips. But this is OK sometimes. It is entirely wrong, however, to find a stiff slab of cheap toilet paper pressed up against your butt lips!

There simply is no excuse for choosing toilet paper that feels about as soft as a lemon zester when perfectly good, triple ply quilted toilet paper is sitting right there on the shelf. What is this, Russia? The great thing about being American is that we can smear our feces on toilet paper so luxurious a princess would gladly sleep upon it. Not the feces… she would gladly sleep on the toilet paper!

Pooping is already a horrible experience as far as I’m concerned, so why turn an ugly situation into more of a nightmare? I don’t want to hear about your budget or the environment or blah blah fucking blah. Grow up, buy some real toilet paper and watch your life change, you dirty ass (literally) hippie.

What’s that you ask? Which brand do I allow to touch my sweet bottom? I prefer Charmin Ultra Strong or Charmin Ultra Soft. I mean look at this… you can drag a 3 pound block of shit across your table and it won’t even rip!

Yeah that’s right, I fucking blew off my precious blog today. Nobody cares anyway.

Shut up and watch the last two episodes of “Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis.”

Yeah that’s right, Listy has dropped the ball again. Sorry I decided to WORK and MAKE MONEY rather than blog for free. Maybe if some of you ingrates would click on my ads and buy a bunch of crap you don’t want or need old Listy (your hero) could stop working on other things. So really I blame you for the lack of a real post today. Way to go jerk.

In other news… I am ashamed of how much I enjoy these bloopers. In fact I’m ashamed of how much I like bloopers in general!

Ever wonder how George Bush got elected?

Have you ever been an hour away from hosting a dinner party when you realize “Holy shit, I fucking forgot to make mashed fucking potatoes. MY PARTY IS RUINED!” Well idiot, next time that happens, just fire up the internet and hop over to Craigslist. POW, problem solved! And you thought Craigslist was only good for finding BBW prostitutes.

Over the weekend my girlfriend (yeah, I actually have a girlfriend, fuck you) found this post on Craigslist and it made me happier than the resurrection of magic Jesus. I could waste my breath pointing out all the things that make it insane, but why state the obvious. Instead I will show you the very real email exchange between me, as “Kenneth,” and the guy selling mashed potatoes. Again, these are real!

His original Craigslist post…

mashed potato/just heat and serve
IM IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING THIS FOR SOME FRIENDS HOUSE. THEY CALLED AND CANCLED AND WE ARE NOW GOING OUT TO DINNER WITH THEM. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT IT IN YOUR OVEN FOR 40 MIN AT 375 AND WA,LA. ITS REALLY GOOD. WE HAD IT FOR OUR FRIENDS THANKSGIVING AND THEY REQUESTED IT AGAIN. THATS HOW GOOD. IT WILL BE DECORATED WITH A COLORED EGG IN CENTER OF MASHED POTATO(E). PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL xxx-xxx-xxxx. ONLY THOSE WHO BELIVE NEED REPLY.” GOD BLESS “…………ALL.

My first email to him…

Hello. Are the Mashed Potatoes still available??? If so, how late can I pick them up? It’s going to be about a 25 minute drive for me, so I need to plan accordingly.

Also, is the colored egg optional? I’m worried that it will stain the surrounding mashed potatoes by the time I get them home.

– Kenneth O.

He replied…

no it will be fine its in a pie crust aluminum pan no worries. you can pick up any time just call before xxx-xxx-xxxx

I wrote back…

You caught me just in time, I was about to make some instant mashed Ps!

I guess if you say the egg situation is under control that’s good enough for me. About this aluminum pan though….. would I have to return it? If so, would mailing it be an option?

I want to also say I think it’s admirable that you are only giving these mashed potatoes to those of us who believe in the Lord! 🙂 I mean, do non-believers even deserve to eat (ha ha ha ha).

Thanks,
Kenneth

He said…

yes they can eat too, but with living in sin wont help them. ha ha ha. no you do not need to return the pan. enjoy, it will be a delite. someone on cl asked for the reciepe they got it.

A few hours later I wrote…

Darn it! I accidentally fell asleep on the floor (of all the crazy places) so I guess I blew my chance at eating delicious mashed potatoes tonight. I have that post-nap feeling, and to be honest, I don’t even know if I’m going to eat at all tonight. Will probably just watch some Raymond and hit the hay.

You can say that again about living in sin! HA!!!!!! LOL. I don’t mind if sinners eat, as long as it’s not MY mashed potatoes!

But seriously, since tomorrow is Easter I don’t think I can pick them up until Monday and I’m worried they will be A) already picked up by some other person or B) no longer edible. OH, and what about the EGG?!? Will it go bad before the MPs?

Okee dokee, I’m going to turn in early so I can be up early for mass tomorrow. PLEASE let me know about Monday, my mouth is already fantasizing about these darn potatoes!! HAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 🙂

God bless on this joyous Easter,
Kenneth

To which he replied…

well if you really want them than i can bring it to you at around 12:30 tomorrow if you live around downers grove. call me and let me know or else im just going to bring it with me to my friends and make them eat it anyway. ha ha ha. xxx-xxx-xxxx before 10:00 please.

The next morning (Easter Sunday) I emailed…

Would you believe I actually had a dream about your mashed potatoes last night??? In this dream I met you in a parking lot to pick up the MPs but the problem was that, for some silly reason, I rode my bike. To further complicate things, you brought so many mashies that they filled a giant, dirty cardboard box. I was like “how am I supposed to carry all these mashed potatoes home on my bike?” Plus I was wondering what kind of a crazy person would put delicious mashed potatoes in a darn cardboard box!!!! I woke up about this time so sadly I will never know if I managed to get the box of MPs home. DREAMS!

I don’t think I can make 12:30 work today so I fear this is the end of the road for me and your mashed potatoes 🙁 I guess you will have to force-feed them to your crazy friends HAHAAAAHAHAHAHA! I hope they appreciate them, it doesn’t sound like they fully do. Thank you for offering to bring them to me, you are truly a kind Christian and the Lord will take special notice of you on you this day (even though Easter is his busy season – HAHAHAAAAAAAAA).

Maybe you could email me the recipe of the mashed potatoes and I can give ’em a shot?

Enjoy this blessed Easter Sunday – Praise him!
Kenneth

I have not heard back but I am hopeful “Kenneth” will soon have that delicious mashed potato recipe in his hands! You will be the first to know if/when the mashed potato believer writes again.

God bless you sinners.

I hate to admit this, but I feel it is my duty to be honest. I finally saw the new Guy Fieri game show “Minute to Win It” and I kind of liked it. Not only did I like the show, but I thought Guy was actually a good host. Should I kill myself?

I tuned in so I could write about how much I hated it, and the next thing I know, I was totally on the edge of my seat watching this lady balance plastic cups. Then, out of nowhere, I find myself LAUGHING at some of Guy Fieri’s jokes! Am I in a coma experiencing some twisted dream or is it because this is April fools’ day? I’m thinking it’s the latter you big dumb idiot. Of course I still fucking hate that dime store, rockabilly nut sack.

Fart.

I know, I suck!

Two days in a row without any real content. I chose drinking with friends over writing tonight. Sometimes it has to be done. So you can all talk about how I suck now.

Fuck everything,
Listy