Let me be VERY clear I LOVE animals and am endlessly thankful for people who devote their lives to helping them. I’m one of those ridiculous people who sees a homeless guy with a dog and thinks “I hope that dog is getting enough to eat.” I am glad there are people like Sarah McLachlan who use their celebrity to do something noble. Finally, the thought of a person being cruel to an animal literally turns my stomach.
Having said all of that, I can’t reach the remote fast enough when this commercial comes on the TV. It’s not the commercial’s fault, I just can’t stand to see slow motion shots of sad/abused/forgotten animals. To date, I have only seen the first 3 seconds of this ad and it’s enough to ruin my day. I always change the channel immediately. The problem is that the commercial is so long I always turn back too soon and find a pair of sad doggie eyes staring at me from behind cage bars.
Oh, and now there’s a new sad animal commercial with polar bears clinging to life on a tiny chunk of ice. Jesus Christ, I just want to watch People’s Court without crying!
If the economy didn’t suck and I had some extra cash I would be more than happy to donate to the ASPCA. So I guess that means you will have to donate in my honor. If you don’t, I will email sad animal photos to you every day. Don’t be like me, donate to The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
Please make it stop. I beg you to wake me from this nightmare and tell me I have been in a coma for 5 years. In a gentle, caring voice explain to me that while in my coma my brain invented an entire universe that does not actually exist. Put your hand on the side of my face and tell me this Ashton Kutcher monster existed only in my hang-gliding-accident-coma-mind and I am free now. Tell me I am free to live in a world without Ashton Kutcher. Is that you ma? I’m back ma, your little baby boy is alive!
And the award for the least loving, most soulless, awkward kiss goes to… Lee and Ann Marie from the eHarmony commercial!
Poor Lee was going in a hundred different directions before he met Ann Marie. Lee has been saved! I practically see this couple in my sleep thanks to this never-ending ad campaign.
Call me crazy but I swear if you pay attention to the body language in this commercial Lee is not really that into Ann Marie. I’m guessing Ann Marie is the driving force in this relationship and SHE probably proposed to HIM! Lee looks like a kidnapped journalist forced to read a statement by his terrorist captors while they stand beside him with machine guns. Seriously, watch the part where they talk about knowing when you have found the right person. Ann Marie makes sure to remind Lee that “he knows” she is the one. She sticks that gun right against his face and screams “You know! You know! American rock and roll pig, YOU KNOW! Mr. McDonalds Pac Man, YOU KNOW!”
I also like that she can’t pronounce the name Lee. It’s one syllable and it rhymes with “tea” not “bay.” Ann Marie better be careful though because it sounds like Lee has a bit of an anger management problem and if you mispronounce his name he could fucking snap!
Let me try and describe what I’m talking about. You know that part of most shampoo or lotion commercials when you are shown an animation of the product “working” as if it had a mind of its own? Well, it makes me crazy. For example, they will show shampoo floating through your hair looking for damage like a coast guard helicopter searching for survivors of a capsized boat. When these magic balls find dry hair they attach themselves and lovingly fix the problem like shampoo angels.
Does anyone actually believe this is what that cold blob of shampoo is doing on your head? Sadly, I think the answer is yes. I think there are people who really think hand lotion has the ability to seek out cracks in their skin like a police dog searching for drugs. These people are dumb.
However, nothing can rival a kangaroo shooting a bottle of shampoo out of its purple vagina.
I never thought I would actually long for the days when Mr. Six danced his fake old ass off to that piece of shit song but then Six Flags rolled out their “Fun-O-Meter” campaign. Sheesh.
Mr. Six and that song almost took me to the edge of suicide on a number of occasions. He started to appear in my dreams, I stopped showering, I ate dog food and I lost my job. I would sit in the corner wearing nothing more than a bow tie and a KFC bucket on my head. I rocked back and forth quietly singing “ba ba ba ba ba bababa, ba ba ba ba ba bababa, da da da da da dadada, ba ba ba ba ba bababa” in a puddle of my own pee. I hate you Mr. Six but I want you back!
I want you back because this new “Fun-O-Meter” yelling-in-my-face guy has me on the brink of bringing the KFC bucket and bow tie out of storage. Why can’t Six Flags just show me happy people waiting in line for 2 hours with gangbangers and slutty 16-year-old girls in mesh tops? Isn’t that why we all go to Six Flags? I’m getting off topic here but seriously, when was the last time you were at an amusement park? If these kids are our future WE ARE FUCKED.
Anyway, I’m sick of people yelling at me via my TV. I told you like a thousand times, I don’t want to snap into a Slim Jim! These commercials don’t make us pay attention, they make us dive for the remote as if it were a live grenade.
I’ll tell you who else just made my list… me, for spending the last 30 minutes researching who the “real Mr. Six” is. I should be on my list for even knowing his name is Mr. Six!
Well here he is everyone, strike up the fucking band, it’s Danny Teeson from “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl.” Did you even know there was a “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl?” So there you go, the last remaining mystery in the universe has been solved! Who cares? Apparently me.
