It’s official, I relate to nothing. I am digging a hole in the dirt where I shall live until I die.
Have you ever written a grocery list and thought “This is just too quick and easy. There’s got to be a harder way.” You are in luck! The SmartShopper Deluxe Grocery List Organizer takes the convenience of quickly hand writing a list and turns it into an elaborate, complicated task.
With the SmartShopper, you just speak your list one item at a time into your magic list robot. After each item, simply wait 5 seconds for the robot to figure out what you have said. When the robot displays a list of the words you might have spoken, you scroll through the list and find the word you want. At this stage you can also remind yourself that you have a coupon for that item with the touch of several buttons. And just like that, after only 2 minutes you have one item on your grocery list! Pour yourself a glass of wine because your ass is going to be making that list for the next 45 minutes. It’s just that hard!
But wait, how will you remember this list while at the grocery store? Do you rip your robot off the wall and bring him? No, you big fucking idiot, all you do is hit ‘print’ and your robot will start pooping out your list in under 2 hours! Go watch a movie or paint the garage at this stage because your list robot likes to be alone as it slowly handcrafts each letter.
Hey, want to make the world implode? Just watch this clip of Rachel Ray and her audience of cackling morons have g-spot orgasms when the SmartShopper cures cancer. Oh wait, I meant to say when the SmartShopper recognizes the word “garlic.”
Watch the SmartShopper in action with a real life mom! If you need me I will be in my dirt hole.
Much like the Terminator, you can be sure that after you eat Wendy’s “Baconator” it too will be back.
Do I really need to “conquer” my food? Ted Nugent and Sarah Palin may love to bring their food to its knees, but I just need something that will go down and come out the other end without trying to kill me in the process. Don’t get me wrong, I hate fussy food, but I also don’t need a fucking pizza on top of my pretzel. How in the hell am I supposed to walk around the mall and impress 18-year-old girls (or their moms) when I’m trying to balance a pizza on top of my God damn pretzel? I’m already carrying 4 bags from Hot Topic!
A Triple Baconator clocks in at: 1330 calories 86 grams of fat 780 calories coming from fat.
Let me put that into perspective for your fat ass… a Big Mac has 540 calories with 29 grams of fat and 260 calories from fat. In other words, a Triple Baconator is like eating 2.5 Big Macs. The recommended caloric intake for a 25 year old male who is 6 feet / 175 lbs is about 2500-2900 depending on how active they are. So let’s add medium fries and a large Coke to your Wendy’s order, please drive to the first window. Congratulations you just consumed 2020 calories and 106 grams of fat in ONE MEAL! I’m sweating just from the thought of it.
Your body literally does need to conquer that son-of-a-bitch!
If you can’t live without your precious Baconator, you might as well class it up a bit.
Dreams DO come true! Paula Deen is used to large amounts of food flying towards her face, but this time the food won the battle. Sit back and enjoy Paula Deen getting hit in the face with a ham.
You know those people in the Philippines and Latin America who flog and crucify themselves in an attempt to feel the exact pain Jesus Christ went through? Well, that’s nothing compared to the pain and horror of drinking water through a straw. If Jesus had to suck down a glass of water through a straw to save us from our sins I bet he would have thought twice about it.
“What’s it gonna be Jesus?”
“Um, hold on, I’m thinking. Is that nailing me to a cross thing still an option?”
This is a true story, I was once at lunch with a 5-year-old child who took a big drink of his water through a straw thinking it was soda. What followed was the most overt expression of disappointment I have EVER seen on a human face. He was literally on the brink of tears and who can blame him? The human brain is simply not equipped to handle such an assault, or lack thereof, on the senses. There is no doubt in my mind that this child will become a serial killer.
And while I’m on the subject of water… can you please stop putting a slice of lemon in my glass? I asked for water not the world’s shittiest lemonade.
Red Delicious? More Like Red NOT Delicious! OH SNAP!!!
Let me tell you something Mr. Red Delicious, you fucking suck. You suck ass and you suck balls. You might LOOK delicious, but you taste like disappointment. You taste like unfulfilled dreams.
You sit there acting like your shit don’t stink when the reality is that, not only does your shit stink, your crappy apple meat stinks too. Sure, you have that textbook “apple” look but who gives a shit, Carrot Top looks funny but it doesn’t make him funny.
You could really learn a thing or two from the Honeycrisp apple. If it wasn’t for this incredible apple variety I would put ALL apples on my list!
Obviously Stephen Colbert and his little staff of pot smoking New York hipsters are HUGE fans of my work and have once again stolen the contents of my handsome head. This time around these pilfering sons-of-asses have taken my genius thoughts about the Miracle Whip commercials and used them word for word. Literally WORD FOR WORD! Well, maybe not literally word for word but they literally used some of the same words. Let’s just say that words were used and leave it at that! Look, the point is that clearly Stephen Colbert has instructed his “writers” to monitor my every thought and claim them as their own. It hurts Stephen, it really hurts.
Can all you douchebag chefs stop “reinventing” food that is already perfect?
There simply is no way to make the classic, basic cheeseburger better so stopping piling random shit all over it and telling me it’s better. This trend of trying to make greasy fast food into an expensive gourmet meal is lame. Not only do gourmet burgers not taste as good, they are always so tall you have to unhinge your jaw like a fucking python to take a bite. And stop making desserts with Cap’n Crunch crumbs. Ha ha ha (slow clap) we get it, you’re whimsical.
Stop thinking you are so talented that you can take something as amazing as a pancake or a cheeseburger and make it more awesome’er. You can’t. You can’t and your restaurant has a dumb name and is filled with douche wads
My opinions are flawless, just like cheap burgers.
