You just made my list!

Flying home from Vegas today so you will have to wait another day to bask in my brilliant glow. So sayeth the lord, amen.

Obviously I went out for my birthday. Obviously I am too tired now to write, but you will be happy to know that a good 30 minutes of my dinner was spent discussing the various reasons why Guy Fieri should be dead and Corey Haim should be alive. Sorry I’m being lame and skipping a day but I think this will help you get over it, you cry baby.

Not only is MY birthday ruined, I’m sure Corey Feldman is having a pretty shitty day too. This is one of your all time boners, God!

True story… I was in a movie with Corey Haim and spent the better part of a day with him. It was the most beautiful day of my life. What is it going to take for God to kill Guy Fieri and leave the good ones alone?!? God is a douchebag.

If you have never seen Corey Haim’s self-produced video “Me, Myself and I” I suggest you find a copy and spend the day in bed watching it. Unfortunately, it looks like that is how I will be spending my birthday.

Throw it to Lucas, in heaven.

I accidentally got drunk last night. I didn’t mean to and now I feel like Guy Fieri’s butthole.

I wanted to write about the fucking annoying old lady in the Resolve Bright and White commercial but I can’t find a clip. Shouldn’t everything be on the internet by now?

So please accept my deepest apologies and then shut up and watch this. I know it’s not new but it’s awesome (like me).

“Oh my god, you’re my totally fuckin’ like favorite.”

OK, everyone can stop crying about it now, the transfer to my new host has begun. I will be back up and complaining in a hilarious fashion in a couple days. Lucky for you all this bullshit is making me extra angry and cranky. I’m about to go off the rails.

I accidentally ate half of a Pizza Hut pizza last night and it led to a series of events that prevented me from writing anything. BUT, I have been meaning to point you in the direction of some older posts, so I will do that now. Not because the posts are all that great, but certain topics have become magnets for excessively dumb comments. I’m sure most of you regulars don’t both digging back into past comments, but you might enjoy some of the conversations you have been missing.

The crazy comments usually start half way down…

Andy Samberg and his shitty Digital Shorts!

Irish Dancing!

Parkour!

See you Monday.

Oh IKEA, I hate you, I love you.

Like most people on the planet, within a week of moving to my new place I found myself making the pilgrimage to the blue and yellow monolith. I check my pride at the door, get on my belly and suck that IKEA teat like a hungry piglet. I’m pretty sure I know exactly what a crack whore feels like when she’s “working.” (That’s two posts in a row that mention whores, if you are keeping score. More whores in 2010!)

I feel equal parts shame and excitement as I walk through those doors and the sweet smell of cinnamon rolls and particle board wraps around my body like the ghosts in Poltergeist. Shopping at IKEA is like telling the world, “I’m poor, I’m lazy, I like ümlaüts and I want my stüff to look like your stüff.” I spend most of my time convincing myself that, “It looks OK, right? It’s kind of cool looking, right? It doesn’t look too IKEA, right?”

I would love to sit here on my throne and criticize all my fellow IKEA shoppers as middle-of-the-road, boring, predictable, suburban, wannabe hipsters but how can I when I’m walking around filling my cart with Flürgens, Gråbenfüks and Lüäöküöås just like they are. I want to feel superior, but as I type this from my IKEA Vika Grevsata desk it’s not that easy. I used to be cool. I used to be in a band.

But don’t think the pain ends when you get home with your pile of vaguely stylish products. Oh no silly pants, that’s when you get to decipher Swedish hieroglyphics and spend the next 7 hours assembling your crappy bookcases.

Is it würth it?

Holy shit, I am completely overwhelmed by all the comments and well wishes from everyone. Seriously, I am truly touched that so many people would take the time to write.

So, I’m rebuilding, I’m getting my shit together and I’m dusting myself off. I will be back, I just don’t know when. I think for a while I will try to write a few times a week. Once I am unpacked and settled in my new place I will get back to the 5 days a week schedule. I was honestly ready to quit but you guys talked me out of it. I wish I knew how to quit you.

So in the meantime, I would like to hear as much Jay Leno bashing as possible.